Pelvic pain and anxiety

Hello everyone, I have never posted before but have been using this website for over 11 years. I suppose at I reached a stage in my own journey where I feel the need for a community that I can be part of. I have always stayed on the periphery and I suppose never wanted to fully accept that I need a community around me. I have had various TMS equivalents throughout my life. I am a 46 year old woman. My mainstay issues are severe anxiety and variety of different pelvic pain things, mainly back pain, bladder tenderness and sensitivity! I suffer from complex post-traumatic stress disorder and am in therapy. I am open minded when it comes to TMS and, intellectually, can see how this is affecting me. However doubt prevents me from making progress, as well as fear and a strong inner critic. In June, I had a hysterectomy due to abnormal cells in the lining of my womb. I am very scared of hospitals and the whole thing was really traumatic for me. Leading up to my operation I had extremely heavy bleeding leading to several hospital stays and A&E visits. I was told that my chance of developing cancer without the operation was 1 in 3. Following the operation the histology results came back and the cells had turned back to normal. I couldn't believe it. I was so upset about having to have the operation and then this news. It really floored me. And then I started to reflect on the whole thing and wonder whether a form of TMS had been at work within all of this. My ovaries were also removed as part of this operation so I am now in Menopause. I have always been scared of Menopause and the effect that it will have on me. I am basically scared of my body alot of the time. A few days after the operation - sorry of this is TMI but I noticed all the skin around my vagina and vulva was sore and inflamed. I then developed Thrush. This soreness, dryness and inflammation was diagnosed by the GP as vagina dryness due Menopause and I was prescribed Oestrogen pessaries and cream. I noticed an improvement very quickly but then it started to come back and it is really sore again, despite using specific moisurisers and oestrogen. My bladder also feels really tender. I have gone in to a complete fear and panic. I read all about menopausal dryness and bladder problems, what happens to the tissues etc and it sends me in to more panic. My fixation on this area of the body is really high and I have gone in to desperation mode. I have been beginning to wonder whether all of the fixation etc is making it worse, and actually there might be a TMS element to this? I read such horror stories about the Menopause and I feel overwhelmed by the amount of information. I can't stop feeling a deep regret about having the operation but how was I to know the cells would have changed back to normal? How was I to know what other symptoms I would get afterwards? I suppose I'm looking for some reassurance, some connection. Previous to this operation, I knew my body well and how TMS showed up whereas I feel like I've lost that connection with my body and everything I feel my brain is labelling it as Menopause. I hope I'm making sense. Thank you for reading.

 

Hi EmilyE:
First, let me say I am sorry for your struggles.
2nd, do not in any way blame yourself for your needing or having a hysterectomy! You were taking care of yourself and faced your fears and did it! Nobody was to know that your cell culture would return to normal. Perhaps being curious about why this news is not welcome will help give you some insight into your anger about it all. Can you accept that you are angry and rageful about being put in this situation? That this was all completely out of your control and that our decisions do not necessarily mean a certainty. We make them bit decisions still don’t control the outcome, they only choose the path we follow.
You seem very hard on yourself and also sound like it is a challenge to see your glass half full - you always see it as half empty (anxiety trait).
Has your therapist worked with you on your patterns of safety? I ask because I am very familiar with anxiety and constant negativity and self-judgement. In my first session with my new therapist she asked me a series of questions, and made a chart showing me that these were core beliefs of lack of safety. It was so helpful, and very much in the TMS wheelhouse.
Your latest symptom of friends sounds more like vulvodenia. In a recent video on YouTube, Dr. Schecter point out that is a common tms symptom (whatever its name, it is mostly exterior females sensations of discomfort). He states that in his experience pretty much all pelvic pain is tms (when it is not a real disease like cancer etc).
Take stock: you are cancer free.
You are in menopause, which is a normal state for an adult female (I also was in full menopause at your age after surgery). You may experience normal menopausal symptoms and have choices on your treatment if you choose. Your choices and decisions can change, that is also normal and completely up to you. There is no right or wrong decision.
When we use Dr. Google, we only read the horror stories. You never read about hysterectomy successes much, do you?
My mom had a hysterectomy at 48. She’s had her health issues (all common in my family) - she is now 96. She was prescribed hormone replacement therapy but stopped after a few years.
I have been in menopause for 15 years with 0 health implications so far although my Dr. says I have osteopenia. I found out this is absolutely normal for someone 60.
Personally I was so happy to be in menopause! I’m sure I had tms symptoms around my menses, and I’m so glad to be done with it all. Consider that when you read about menopausal horror stories that journalists embellish, and that many women may be experiencing tms around this themselves.
My suggestion is to begin this websites free Structured Educational Program at tmswiki. Org (scroll to find it). Do it slowly, one lesson at a time. Read The Divided Mind or Healing Back Pain by Dr. Sarno to better understand the theory.
Stop googling symptoms or being on any kind of symptom forum.
Begin taking personal responsibility for your wellness. This is not blame, the responsibility is working towards wellness instead of wallowing in dis-ease. Seeing your stuckness (which you do!) and making the firm decision to find a way out, whatever that looks like for you. Choosing to be kind to yourself. To take time for yourself. To be ok with the uncomfortableness of self-inquiry, and symptoms for now and to open your mind to all possibilities.

 

Thank you so much @Cactusflower for taking the time to reply and for your kindness. I was really touched by your grounded response. I had gone into a total freak out about my symptoms and you have helped to centre me again on the potential that this is TMS. I am cancer free, you are right and prior to finding out that the cells had turned back to normal, I had viewed my decision as the right one. I have been beating myself up ever since and keep focusing on all the negatives of the operation. I have been very sucked into everything Menopause, as I do with health things. But, like you said, we rarely hear about hysterectomy successes. And in fact, objectively my hysterectomy went well. There were no complications and I am recovering really well. However, all the bladder and vagina / vulva symptoms have taken over and have become the new obsession. The terror that these symptoms are creating is huge. It ties in so much with intimacy and my connection with my husband. It makes me feel like a failure. I also know that's not true. I would like to stop chasing more treatments, more trips to the GP. My body feels like it doesn't want any more internal examinations. I feel like I have tried so much on this journey and my therapist often says that I need to stop trying so hard! I don't even know what that means. Self kindness - yep. Self criticism feels so ingrained and natural that I don't know that I'm even doing it. I will keep reading your reply. I have been listening to Nicole Sachs (I think that's how you spell it!) and trying to surround myself with TMS experiences and success. Ultimately, I know this is my path and I need to find things that work for me. But the very first thing I need to truly do is BELIEVE that all of this is TMS. Even the severe anxiety. Thanks again.

 

@EmilyE
Well, you have some very good insights. Definitely explore the emotions (not just the thoughts, anxiety keeps us stuck in thought) around your relationship with your hubby and intimacy. Intimacy is not only physical. It is mental, emotional and spiritual. It's that intimate companionship and the comfortableness to just be with someone without being or doing anything, and having 0 expectations of the other person in that regard either. This ties in so much to people pleasing and perfectionism and all the TMS personality traits that can be full force or very subtle. You can't manage your husband's emotions to all that you are going through. That's his to worry about.
Journalism can take many forms. It can be Nichole Sach's method, or you can use that sometime and try some other methods other therapists suggest, occasionally. Write an "unsent" letter (that you tear up and toss out afterwards) to your husband and TO YOURSELF. This is a really nice way to explore self forgiveness.
Here is the Dr. Schecter interview I mentioned
That youtube channel has been around for awhile, and the man who created it has been doing the medical rabbit hole for many years, sort of getting the fact that these things maybe had an emotional tie...but he wasn't ready to accept all that yet. For years he has discussed exercises, yoga, meditation but had expectations about all of it. When he was finally able to fully accept that this was ALL tms, and drop the expectations, he was able to heal. Now he helps men, but everything he says is true for women too.
Your last comment TMS even with the severe anxiety.. TMS IS anxiety. That is exactly what it is. Lots of us will talk about fear, but my therapist has been very clear about defining what is fear vs what is anxiety. Anxiety is worry. It is only the THOUGHT of worry that creates the fear, it's the THOUGHT of the sensations of anxiety that create fear. You begin the feel that internal buzzing, the slight jumpiness, constant anticipation - it's when we sense these physical sensations we push them away mentally. NO....not again!!!! Anxiety is another protective mechanism exactly like the pain. It makes you freeze in panic, or run the other way from "it". What if you stopped and felt it. No judgement. Just sat there anxious as all heck?
What will happen?
NOTHING. You'll just sit. Your heart may race, you might have some fear thoughts, your palms sweat, suddenly you have to pee, you want to get up and move (get a drink or suddenly you are cold and need a sweater...ANYTHING but to sit with this) these are all simply mental tricks so we aren't with our emotions. You won't die if you have a fear thought. You won't catch an incurable illness from sweaty palms. It is amazing how freeing this can be - to suddenly realize we are not our thoughts and our thoughts are not true, especially when you've lived your life believing all this stuff that goes on up there. This took awhile for me to sink in...but then I thought about people who I know who believe the NUTTIEST conspiracy theories. Why do they THINK they are true? So I believe some things aren't true...so why do I believe EVERYTHING I think is true? Now it seems a bit easier to see within ourselves. Now I can laugh at so much of what goes on in my mind. Claire Weekes was an Australian doctor who suffered from anxiety which she calls things like "nervous exhaustion". Amazingly, this little old granny with orthopedic shoes and cats eye glasses has THE BEST advice for dealing with anxiety and it still holds true today. Listening to her via audiobook is the most gentle thing in the world, but reading her books is also just great. She is so comforting, and makes things sound easy although she constantly re-assures you she knows how challenging anxiety can be.

Generally going through the SEP (structured program, which uses journaling as a tool), reading Dr. Sarno and Claire Weekes will pretty much give you every tool you'll need to start your journey. You don't even have to 100% believe that you have tms. Just start the process and see what happens.