Please please please HELP!

Hi everybody. Oh, so many thoughts going on right now. I made a full recovery a couple months ago after three straight months of debilitating back/hip/butt pain. It was almost overnight from once I really understood what was going wrong until when I was better. I'd been reading the books and info for about a month, and then it just clicked and I was better. But now I'm in an incredibly vulnerable situation, which has brought up so much stress for me, and it's back with a vengeance. I can hardly walk or stand, but the worst part is that I CAN'T SLEEP. I've tried every single thing I can think of--I've written about it, watched videos, drawn pictures, expressed myself in the relationships I found oppressive, gone for walks in nature (when I could walk), talked to people I trust, etc. I can't seem to get through this, nor make any progress. Guided meditations, everything. I'm a spiritual person rather than a religious person, but this morning, around 6am, I started praying, and that was the only thing that helped me all night. I fell asleep for about an hour, which was SOMETHING. What's stressing me out is that I'm currently in South Korea visiting friends and have been here about a month, and I'm moving to Australia in a couple of days. I feel very vulnerable here in Korea because it's been more difficult being here than I anticipated (I used to live here, and I forgot the stress), but also, I have such high hopes for Australia, as I am hoping it's a place I want to live longterm, and I feel like my high hopes have turned to high fears and high anxieties. What I'm asking for is just some support. Have you been where I am? What did you do? All night, while I can't sleep, I feel not just like I'm in pain, but I don't know how to LIVE through this, it's just so incredibly demoralizing. I feel like I have nothing left in me, that the life is draining away, and even though some people can relate or be supportive, I'm in this all alone. My child self DOES NOT like that, especially since I felt alone my whole childhood. I never really understood that anyone could feel this much pain, but I guess that's what happens when it gets repressed and then comes up all at once. I can't tell right now if the pain I'm expressing here is physical, emotional, or mental; I just know it's overwhelming and I feel like I can't go on. Not talking suicide, just that my will to live, to get out of bed, to take a shower, it's all draining away. Please, can anybody just give me a bit of help?

 

Eve,
I am so sorry to hear of your stress and pain. I myself have a hard time with the way I think, and it affects how I feel. Claire Weekes audios have helped alot. When she talks about nerves, I mentally substitute pain. There are recordings of her talks online. Maybe you have listened before, but maybe she is just what you need right now. As she would say, under the circumstances your symptoms are normal, but can be cured.
I know you will have others encourage you too, and hopefully with more experience than I have. I hope you are doing better soon!

 

It sounds like you're overwhelmed by so many changes taking place so quickly. It also sounds like you're working very, very hard to bring order and understanding into your life. As a result, you're exhausted.

This will pass in time. You don't have to solve it all at once. Stay focused on what you have to deal with right now, which is probably the move to Australia. Put everything else off to later.

You don't have to work on your TMS issues today. Yes, the repressed feelings can be overwhelming when you uncover them. But they can wait until you're in your new home for a while. Put away the TMS books until you're in a safe place and have had a chance to rest.

You are in a crisis, but it is temporary. Don't be afraid to take sleep medication if it helps to get you through.

One step at a time is all you need to take right now.

David.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I had read that sometimes recovery from a relapse can be more challenging because the same methods we used the first time may not work during a relapse. I am personally finding that to be true for myself right now. However, I'm trying to go deeper into examining my emotions that caused the relapse in the first place, as well as the personality traits that are causing the pain to stick around.
When I read your post, one thing jumped out at me- PRESSURE. You are unconsciously piling a lot of pressure on yourself. Pressure to get through this trip to Korea. Pressure to make sure the move to Australia is successful. And pressure to hurry up and feel better. I can relate to that pressure. Once we've recovered the first time, we beat up on ourselves for "letting" TMS back in and we set deadlines to get rid of it so it doesn't affect the events we're planning for in our lives. I can tell you that the more you pressure yourself to just feel better, the more TMS is just going to push back. Try to be kind to yourself. Tell yourself you're strong and deserving of the things you want, including a great life in Australia. Be loving to yourself, while also firmly telling your unconscious brain that you DON'T need this pain to distract you. During your last couple days in Korea, don't do anything you don't want to do. Just take care of yourself and tell yourself you're safe and you're going to get past this again.
As far as sleep, this may be one of those times that you need to take something to help you get some rest. The more tired you are, the more anxious you're going to be. If you don't have a prescription sleep aid from your doctor, perhaps try to take some valarian root or melatonin. I'm having pain going down my leg from my glute for the first time ever, and I mostly feel it at night. When I wake up in the middle of the night with the pain, I breathe in to the count of seven, hold for a couple seconds, and breathe out to the count of eight. I picture my breath filling the painful areas, bringing oxygen back to them. Once I'm focused on my breathing, I eventually drift off to sleep.
You WILL get through this. Just try to focus on your breathing and being kind to yourself. You're stronger than you realize right now, and that's evidenced by the fact that you conquered this once already.

 

Hi Eve,

I can totally totally understand exactly how you feel. Its been the same kind of night for me. I couldn't go back to sleep the whole night due to my back pain followed by fear and anxiety. TMS main agenda is to put in bed, So it is very important for you to keep walking. Its very important to have a support group. I have fallen asleep 6 am in the morning and woke up at 9 am. I couldnt get out of bed for nearly an hour with all sorts of negative feelings, I had to wake up to see my cousins who visited me. I had good 1 hr long chat and cracked some jokes.. I sat for most time and I am feeling better now from the severe muscular pain I had yesterday night. We shouldnt be alone for long time as this will give us freedom to do what we want. Instead we need somebody to push us through. Its important to feel normal although its very tough. Its ok to take a pain killer as said by John Sarno. Killing the pain for some time will atleast keeps your mind in peace.
Even I cant get along with this pain but its important to speak to people and go out for walks. I know its easy to say but things will fall in place and good thing for you is you have made a complete recovery once and you can do it again. I haven't done a recovery till date except for being 40% better. How much ever you journal its important to move around and have a support group to speak to .

Thank. Hope this helps.

 

I forgot to add one important point. The reason why you cant sleep is because of your thoughts.
This is where exactly Mindfullness plays an important role. Just close your eyes and stop thinking about anything just feel blank. Thats it you will drop into sleep. If that is tough just be in the moment. Feel air coming from the fan or feel the weather just look at the ceiling. I am sure you will drop into sleep with in few mins.

 

Thank you all so much for your support. I would say you don't know what it means to me, but maybe you do, that's why we're all here. I'm still struggling so much, but I did watch a Claire Weekes program today (thanks, @Lizzy !) and she helped me put it into perspective: feel it, don't run from it. I struggled into the bath, where I could float and feel pain free for the first time in a week, and I made an appointment at the international clinic here for an hour from now, where I intend to ask for pain medication, anti-anxiety medication, and sleep medication. I've never really been into pills, but this is the most desperate I've ever felt in my whole life. All I want right now, beyond freedom from pain, is a good, long sleep. That will help me get my spirit back. These messages are so strengthening. I can't express my gratitude for your words. Just, thank you so much. Thank you.

 

Good luck with your appointment Eve2015.

All is well.

 

Eve read my frnds success story, it will be helpful to know how he recovered. His discbulge is still present but he is completely pain free and trekking in Himalayas couple of months ago.

 

Can you send me a link?

 

http://tmswiki.org/forum/threads/success-story-of-my-friend-back-pain.8641/

 

Hi Eve, Please know that you are NOT alone. It's great that you reached out to this forum. Many, many of us can relate to your feelings and this forum is the perfect place to go to when you need more support. It sounds like there are many changes going on with your life, so please try to be gentle with yourself. Changes and transitions are a process, and they stir up many emotions - i.e., it's exciting and scary at the same time. You mentioned not being able to sleep - for me, if I don't sleep, I notice that everything seems more effortful and overwhelming. Also, when I travel, my sleep gets interrupted. Please try some different techniques to help you sleep. For example, in the evening you could try picking a time when you put life "on a shelf" and check out, maybe take a bath, do something relaxing and do some self-soothing, give you body a chance to calm down and get ready for a good night's sleep. Mostly, be gentle with yourself. Soothe the child you mentioned who does not like being alone. Maybe try explaining to that child that she is not alone and that everything will be ok - or however you would soothe a small child. Hang in there and know you've got lots of people pulling for you, Sunny

 

Hi Eve, was I talking to you before? Your situation (where you are headed for Australia) sounds similar. Anyway, you're in Korea now, I lived there for a year. Based on that, I have a couple of suggestions. Do you enjoy jimjilbangs? That's one of the things I missed when i came back, try to go to one if you can. I would also recommend trying to work out in some way (not just walking).

Also since you're in Korea... embrace the kpop. It may feel weird, but listen to cheerful music. Turn it up and dance. Go listen to Gangnam Style if you need some inspiration. Get up and sing to it.

Korea can be very difficult, I know. But you're safe.