Post Event Processing

Post Event Processing - PEP - This is a fancy new term that I just learned that applies to something I have experienced and done my entire life. It refers to the period after a social interaction where you "replay events" from the standpoint of improving the interaction for the main purpose of making yourself more liked/respected.. It's apparently something done regularly by those that suffer anxiety or OCD.

It's a little bit like that episode of Seinfeld where George thinks back to that interaction with his co-worker where he SHOUILD have said "well? the JERK-store called and they're all out of YOU!"

I would say that George Costanza is a prime candidate for TMS therapy but then he is based on Larry David who is a well-known sufferer of TMS and credits Sarno for his recovery.

Anyway, I digress.

I suffer from PEP, often agonizing in hindsight over interactions with others in social settings - usually worried that I came off like a jerk or was unintentionally rude. This is a clear by-product of my people-pleasing personality that contributes to my TMS. I'm also an introvert generally, so social parties/gatherings are always slightly stressful for me - I fake it well enough at the time though - but afterwards I am exhausted from having my energy sucked from me. The perfectionist in me also hates that none of these interactions - as good as they might have been - are never "perfect."

Common wisdom indicates the first step in fixing a problem is recognizing you have it, so at least I've made it that far.

Usually for 24-48 hours after a social event I go into a feedback loop of repeating specific conversations or interactions before I naturally drift off into other things. To get out of this feedback loop here are some things that help me:

- Recognize the fact that most people simply don't give a crap about you, and stopped thinking about you 30 seconds after you left. This is a harsh fact, but it is a fact.

- For those that might've noticed a gaffe you made, most of those will simply forgive you for it or think nothing of it as it doesn't represent you as a person.

- Most people are having the same concerns about themselves (we're all the protagonist in our own story afterall) and didn't notice whatever you think you might have done.

There are a few others that I'll think of later but for now I just thought it would be helpful to post this and see if anyone else has any comments or advice. I think this PEP is part and parcel of my TMS, so it's probably a good thing for me to dive into it and dissect what I can.

Interested in other thoughts...

 

Oh my gosh, @Mr Hip Guy ! I have had this my WHOLE life and never even knew it had a name or was OCD. But that makes total sense. It’s such a miserable repetitive loop. I get it even after phone calls with people. I constantly analyze every little thing I said. And even what I may have failed to say.

Like you, I am also painfully introverted (until I know someone, and then I won’t shut up). I dread social interactions where I don’t know people. And I’m terrible at small talk. ( I also just plain think small talk is stupid. Lol) Maybe that’s why I never learned it. But I do think your parents can teach you the art of small talk, and you can gain more confidence. I didn’t get that as a child.

Recently, I have had this new theory that I have post event processing (PEP) because as a child, I needed it to stay safe. My parents were pretty volatile and unpredictable. If I analyzed my interactions with them, maybe I could prevent an error that would cost me their disfavor. Of course, there was no knowing what would earn their favor. Because they were screwed up. But as a small child, I was just hoping to make sense of the world. This grew into perfectionism. And now— I want all my interactions with the entire world to be perfect. (There isn’t even such a thing as a perfect interaction—is there?)

My most miserable sensation when I’m looping on this is that the person may have gotten the impression I don’t love them. This is a special torture I save for when I talk to my grown kids. why do I wonder if they know I love them? Why do my interactions need to prove that? Insecurity? Fear? They already know I love them.

Welcome to my TMS world. Thanks for this topic, brother! (Now I’ll go analyze what I just wrote. lol)

 

Oh wow, you hit me hard with this one - simply because I never considered that with interactions with my kids (my PEP is almost exclusively with not-close-friends interactions i.e. party settings). I feel for you for this though as I am always second-guessing whether I am a "good" father or not in much the same way.

I think for what you describe above I am reminded of the quote - "people hardly ever remember what you say, only how you made them feel."

Thank you very much for your reply. Your post made me realize something else related to this: I have always preferred written communication to in-person verbal communication. Why? It's obviously because I can proofread what I write and get it "perfect" before I click submit/send. It all makes perfect sense.

 

You’re welcome! And thank you! I love these discussions!

We should journal on this one. It probably goes way deep.

Haha!!! Right?! And I always go in and edit if I can!

 

Yep. Been there, done that. May someday do it again but right now I don’t.

 

French call it "l'esprit d'escalier" (smart on the stairway, I guess after you left the meeting) . Americans call it "Monday morning quarterback". Russians call it "smart on the back of his/her mind". The true art of it is to continue obsessing over how you could have done it better for days or weeks. Some of us take this art to perfection and never stop. It is called TMS personality - admits one to our club! .