Progress report: Great Week/Physical Emotions/and ADHD

Hey All!

I figure its been a while since I made any kind of progress report, and I've been collecting a few things that I wanted to talk about but for whatever reason I haven't made a post. So I'll make one now

as far as progress this last week has been really really great. I think I reported that for the past few months everyday I work, my symptoms would get worse and worse until I hunched over for the last hour or so of my shift. It was the biggest show of my symptoms. I would also usually experience a bit of pain on the walk to work, pain would subside for the first few hours of my shift, and then come back, and then the walk home would be excruciating. to the point where I felt I needed to stop several times to take a break.

This last week of work, while not fully symptom free, has been much subdued as far as symptoms are concerned, but I'd like to lay it out day by day. I'd like to get a feel for what people think about it.

Saturday (first day of my work week):
Walk to work was basically pain free: A little bit of tingling in my leg but not the usual "thunderstorm" moving around my leg for my morning walk. Get to work and again, basically pain free. I always have a bit of a sensation right in my buttock. where the "nerve" is "pinched". but completely manageable and honestly forgettable. I stayed this way for hours. Hours and hours. Usually after my lunch is when the pain will start to really kick up and start to activate my unconscious need to hunch over and try to alleviate the sensation, but this happened at a much slower rate. It didn't start to feel like it usually does until my shift was nearly over, and by that time, I was able to be more proactive in correcting myself when my back tried to over correct. I'm finding that what I thought was more symptoms was actually just my lower back muscles getting sore from being hunched over for hours at a time.
My walk home was still pretty rough. I think I've conditioned myself hard that its going to be a rough time. But I tried to remind myself that I wasn't in any danger. I tried to keep my posture relaxed and in the way I normally walk (does anyone else sometimes forget how they normally walk??) and I think I only sat down once; all the while reminding myself that the break wasn't to save my back physically. It was just a break from the symptoms.

Sunday:
Walk to work was the same as Saturday. Work was nearly the same but if I recall symptoms may have come on a bit sooner than they did the day before. they were still pretty manageable and I don't think that I gave into any corrective posture but I think I ended up leaning a bit more. resting my arms on the counter. Sometimes I just do it out of habit now even when there isn't any pain; so it may just half be a bad habit now. Walk home Sunday was still bad, But I don't think I took a break this day. I can't recall.

Monday:
Monday was the worst of the four days. The walk was fine but I felt my symptoms come on much quicker then the last few days. At this point I started to ponder whether or not I had conditioned myself to think that my symptoms should get worse throughout the week. I still tried my best not to give in to corrective posture or lean too much. I always remind myself when leaning or taking a break that I'm not taking a break from damaging my back, just taking a break from feeling the symptoms. I don't know if this is a good practice or not. I'd like to get to a point where I can convince myself I don't need a break because the symptoms don't affect me but... I may be a ways away from that yet. The walk home was very very rough. It took everything in me to walk normally. I kept reminding myself that I was safe and that I was not doing any harm by walking home. reminding myself of my proof. But the pain was persistant.

Tuesday:
Miraculously a 180 from Monday. Walk to work was great. Near painless all the way until the last hour of work. and then the craziest part: Walk home was leagues better than all three previous days. It was still painful, but nowhere near as bad as it had been up until this point. I was pretty blown away.

I think this week gave me a lot to think about. I think one of the biggest ones is that a reemergence of symptoms doesn't mean a regression in progress. Monday and Tuesday were like night and day. it was pretty crazy.

I've also been having a lot of trouble sleeping. every night, regardless of my activity level, I have an ache in my buttock where my main symptom is. It keeps me awake. I've tried lots of different things, and every other night or so I end up taking Zquil, Which doesn't seem to help me fall asleep much faster, but keeps me asleep. I've never been great at falling asleep. My mind moves a million miles a second. In retrospect I think this could be another manifestation of TMS. being alone with my thoughts at night has always kept me awake. Its also when I tend to be the most afraid of my thoughts. I don't need pain symptoms to help keep me awake on top of them though lol.

Monday night I actually got super frustrated with the ache when I was trying to sleep. I ended up thrashing about for a few seconds in anger at the symptoms. I "lost my cool" I guess you could say. But I fell asleep shortly after that. I don't know if that helped or hurt? regardless I can't force myself to feel angry about the pain like that all the time. Sometimes I feel angry about it, sometimes I don't. Mostly I think fear is the emotion I feel surrounding my symptoms, and its the one I tend to tackle to most.

Thinking about it I don't feel like anger was ever a taboo feeling for me until a few years ago. I feel like I feared anger in others, other people being angry or shouting has always made me super uncomfortable. other peoples emotions in general make me uncomfortable. Maybe thats because I'm uncomfortable with my own. Idk I'm kind of getting off track.

Something I've wanted to talk about is journalling, and feeling emotions physically. I have a hard time feeling my emotions physically. I've been trying to remind myself when I do feel my emotions mentally to check in with my body and notice anything, and I think I've made little headway but not too much. There are only a couple of things I know I feel when I'm feeling certain emotions. Those being a lump in my throat when I'm about to cry, and a pit in my stomach when I think about death too hard.

The latter is the one I want to talk about because I think its the most intense physical feeling I feel, but Its also my best example of forcing down my emotions rather than feeling them. I think if I can find a way to let it play out I could make some good progress. but as soon as I start to feel it gets shoved down immediately, I almost have no control over it I've gotten so good at automatically getting rid of it. It feels like its the only physical thing that makes its through my minds defenses, even if only a little bit. But I also can't control when it happens. It doesn't happen every time I think about mortality or death, so I can't just summon it whenever I want. In fact, it pretty much happens when I least expect it; which is probably how it sneaks through. I get a similar reaction sometime when I randomly think of embarrassing things in my past but again; if my mind is braced for the embarrasment, the physical feeling has no chance of making it through.

I think the last thing that I wanted to talk about would be ADHD and Imposter Syndrome.
I have ADHD. I was diagnosed late in life, and I also have Imposter Syndrome. Which Is one of the main reasons I waited so long to get diagnosed lol.

With ADHD I tend to hyperfixate on things, and that also translates to ruminating and worrying. I have a lot of worry and fear in my life that keeps me from taking steps towards the life I want to have. And the imposter syndrome doubles down on those worries. It also affects my thoughts about TMS. Do I really have it? Do I really have the personality traits of someone with TMS? Do I really worry as much as I think I do? Do I really have repressed emotions? All day. I try to combat these thoughts as much as I can with mindfulness and standing up to my inner bully and all that, and its been helping a lot! But its an all day kind of thing. My mind goes a mile a minute because of my ADHD and it can be hard to stop the thoughts or even acknowledge them and let them go a lot of the time.

ANYWAY

My posts are always so long lol. I never think I have that much to say and then I start typing and it turns into a novel.
I just wanted to check in and give a progress report to everyone. any kind words or advice is greatly appreciated!

 

wow, Eli! Great update! Glad to hear you have so much insight and you had some great progress with some pain relief. Here’s the thing: the pain is going to fluctuate. And there’s sometimes no rhyme or reason for it. So just count on one step forward, two steps back. And that’s prolly how it will go.

You are hard core conditioned to get symptoms on your walk home. We have to find a way to bust our conditioning. I haven’t been very successful yet in that. But I know others have conquered it.

You are absolutely right! You are making great progress! It’s starting to loosen its hold. But it doesn’t want to give up the fight yet.

it is! I hate to say it. That’s where meditation or soothing mantras can help. You’re going to have to slow down your thoughts and tackle your worrying. It’s a huge traight of TMSers. Start up a head talk program. Talk to yourself like you’re an adopted 5 year old orphan. How would you talk to him? He was alone and scared til you found him. Make him feel safe.

Ha! The symptoms got booted out because you expressed the anger they were protecting you from. Maybe you should get angry every night before bed? I noticed I have less symptoms at night when I journal before bed. As far as feeling anger. Just practice it. Fake what it feels like. Sooner or later a little spark will come.

Why is that? Journal about it. I’m guessing anger was pretty scary when you weee little. You learned to stuff it. If you expressed it there would be some bad consequences. Tell your little self that times are changed. You can express it now. You are safe.

Dude! Who doesn’t?! @JanAtheCPA has some cool journaling exercises on dealing with mortality. I’ll try and find them. Or maybe she will direct you.

This can be conquered. And ultimately, it’s THE cure to TMS.

I’m wondering what @Baseball65 thunks about your situation. He’s a guy that gives great advice. And it’s sometimes tough love, but it has always helped me out. He works in his feet too, and might have something to say about resting and compensating for your back.

Way to go! Keep up the good work. And just assume all is well. It’s only your body talking. It’s not broken.

 

Imposter Syndrome seems to be simply untrue thoughts and not really a "syndrome". It looks like it can be overcome by changing your thoughts to those that are more true to your core beliefs.
I think you are probably already working on this with your journaling, and your current thought process. You have already come so far! Amazing!

 

Thank you everyone! I appreciate your advice and insight and encouragement so much! I’m excited to continue the work. I’ve see. Jan’s posts about existential psychotherapy and I’ve been meaning to incorporate it more into my process!

 

Mortality is a tough topic! I have always thought about it, too. Even when I was young. I would say it has definitely played into my personal quest for meaning and my faith beliefs. And I noticed at times in my life when I felt like I was drifting from my faith or doubting it, I felt very sad and/or panicked about mortality. So I guess you could say that my faith is a big comfort to me. And I notice it means even more to me now, as I grown older.

 

it’s definitely always played a huge role in my life and definitely the thing that caused so much stress in my life. I’ve recently tried to remind myself that it’s my choice how i spend my life; and that I don’t have to do anything, or be in any position that society things I should be in. I don’t have to worry in my leisure time that I’m not doing enough to reach my potential. And I think the pressure of all that is what keeps me from doing the things I actually want to do. Like a singing or voice acting career.

The idea of mortality is mostly terrifying but it can be comforting I suppose if you find the comforting parts.

 

Wow! This is a huge pressure that I’ve always had, too. Doing all this TMS work has made me calm down a little on the pressure. You should chase your dreams! When you are ready and in your own way.