Reading

I've been working on reading (books), to which I have a very strong conditioned response. It's so hard! Wish me luck, everyone. The symptoms are hard and I am just trying to let them and the feelings pass through me. It's so hard not to start thinking structurally.
Lots of tension at night, too, while I'm sleeping. It's frustrating not to be able to control that and to wake up in a ton of pain. I know I just need to work on relaxing during the day and in time I will also be more relaxed in sleep.
(For those who don't know my story, my eyes have been very thoroughly checked, please don't suggest I go back to the doc.)

 

Hi, Dixie,
My symptoms have always really acted up at night during my sleep, and I think it’s because my subconscious is working overtime on things. Lately, it’s calming down quite a bit—directly coinciding with me thinking much less about TMS and flooding my days with as much fun as I can. Don’t know if that helps you at all.

As far as the reading. That’s the same as standing for me. What I’ve been doing is veeeeeeery slowly increasing my standing on a daily basis. I started with doing the dishes. Maybe you could just read a tiny bit per day and increase it over time slowly?

 

“It's frustrating not to be able to control”

This is why one of the current TMS words is “allow”

what else in your life is frustratingly “out of “ your control? What about control do you find safe and comforting?

I don’t think relaxing is the actual point. Letting go is maybe more what needs to happen. Letting go is a little more descriptive of what needs to happen in the body and mind. To not need to control things, to let them be without worry. Frustration and dislike of symptoms will probably come up, and just allow those emotions and feelings. This method has really helped me recognize how much my mind thinks it needs control (when it does not) and to break some of the habit of fighting and resisting that letting go.

 

Let the symptoms and feelings pass through you. Practice indifference and outcome independence. Your goal is not to get rid of the symptoms, but to eliminate the fear. Eliminate the fear, you eliminate the symptoms. Live your life.

 

That helps me a lot. It got me thinking, what do I do that I enjoy, that I think is fun? Unfortunately, the answer is "pretty much nothing." I find writing and reading fun. And that's where TMS hit me hardest.
So I nee to really think about this. I've been saying to myself I need to live my days emphasizing whatever keeps me regulated and relaxed but that can actually be pretty morose...what about fun? I do all sorts of things that the kids/my husband think are fun. I'm not actually even sure what I think would be fun.
What a state of affairs.
Good comparison about the standing. 10 pages had been my max so yesterday I did about 20, with a break in the middle. Of course the TMS flared but that's not surprising. I'm gradually becoming more able to tolerate the symptoms without fear but there's still fear there. Working on it. 6 months ago I was lying in a dark room with my eyes closed, afraid to move, so I've come a long way. So important to remember how far I've come.
But the most important thing from what you said, I think, is about fun -- I want to recapture fun!

 

Thanks! Doing my very best and hopefully will do even better over time!

 

I think you're right. The hypervigilance is a problem.

 

Don’t go too fast. Just stick with 10 for a while. You’re trying to ease your way into doing it soooooo gently that your TMS brain doesn’t know what’s happening.

This happened to me too. For fun, I’m writing a book longhand because I can’t type right now. I didn’t want to do this at first. But then I just went with it. See if you can find some workarounds. Maybe books on tape? A different hobby you can do right now. Think outside the box. That was my saving grace.

Fun is good because it helps you recapture a feeling of safety. And when you fixate on TMS for so long, you actually forget what real life feels like. Not that every moment is always fun. There’s still work, of course. But I tried to set up a schedule—a plan—so each day I look forward to something in each part of my day. It makes me feel more childlike. More carefree. Just letting myself settle into the schedule (with fun planned and woven throughout) has made a world of difference for me. I went from focusing on “curing” myself, to just living a pretty good life (symptoms and all).