Recovered from back pain plus many other symptoms. Hip pain the latest, looking for feedback.

Hello!
I have had much success overcoming TMS symptoms over the years. Upper back pain was one that was significant along with many others that I have been able to overcome. I have had the symptom imperative move around over the years and have defeated it every time. It has decided to camp out in my right hip for over a year now so I’m looking for feedback. I feel like I know exactly what is going on but this one is stubborn.

The pain started when I was doing an activity that I resented that involved lifting and thought I just pulled something in my hip. When it didn’t get better, I thought it was my husbands car seat because it hurt when I drove although it never bothered me before. Then driving in my car hurt which never did before either.

I had to do a lot of driving for this activity which I resented as well because it took up half of my day and was stressful for me. I continued to do Pilates/walking and didn’t change any of my routine. A month later my daughter got her totaled by a distracted driver and my father had to have emergency surgery. I am at the hospital for weeks while he is on life support with what turns out to be colon cancer. My mother has dementia so my brother and I had to put her in a memory care unit (against her will) because my father couldn’t take care of her. I had to arrange all of this. Tons more driving everyday. For the last year I have had to take care of all of their affairs which are a huge mess and maintain their house which has 50 years of hoarding which they have refused to sell over the years. I also found out my father has large amounts of credit card debt which was unbelievable to us since he was a tax accountant and seemed very good with money.

I went to PT last fall when it didn’t let up, had x-rays and was told I had osteoarthritis of the sacroiliac and hip joints that may predispose to hip impingement. From what I have read that basically means nothing serious and is just normal. For a while I thought I had a labral tear because my Pilates teacher put that fear in me when I asked her advice which didn’t help. PT exercises helped a little as did massage but pain would come back. Would have days of no pain but would always come back especially from driving which I was doing every day.

I have enormous amounts of anger towards my parents, especially my father for dumping this mess on my siblings and I. He is 85 and although says he is very grateful for our help, continues to task us with menial chores, is stubborn and won’t budge on things. He tries to control us like we are still kids and plays the victim of his circumstances. I am almost 60 so my brother and I sat him down and basically said “you are doing it our way, too bad”. He halfway agreed but still likes to try and control us. I always had a good relationship with my dad but the last 3 years I have been disappointed, angry and totally frustrated with his poor choices that I didn’t know about. I am also watching my mother decline and totally change into someone I don’t even know with her dementia which is very sad.

My pain has gotten more frequent/worse especially when I am driving or sitting at my desk. I believe both of these are because I resent all the driving to see/take care of their issues. Sitting because I have had to spend hours upon hours trying to clean up the paperwork messes they have left behind. Has put a strain on my marriage and huge stress for my brother and I.

I am torn because part of me says, “screw you, figure this mess out yourself, I have my own life and family to take care of.” The other part of me feels guilty as the oldest who has always been the peace maker, organizer and fixer of everything which enrages me as well. Trying to be the good daughter despite my anger. I feel a huge pressure to handle all of it because they will go broke if we don’t sell the house soon despite my parents lack of support. Part of me says I need to suck it up and quit feeling sorry for myself, that’s life and deal with it.

Classic goodist personality. To me its a no brainer and I have no doubt in my mind that all of this stress caused my pain. This situation isn’t going away any time soon and is not going to get any easier so it’s hard for me not to worry or be angry. I have set boundaries with him on what I can and cannot do. I try to journal, meditate to get some of this out as I know walking around semi angry all the time is not good. Even just typing all this sends my heart rate up and puts me in angry mode.

I am about 95% convinced this is all TMS but there is that part of me that thinks maybe something is really messed up and I should have an MRI since it won’t go away. I know if I do, any result they do find will send me into another round of worrying. My PT didn’t think I needed one, just thought I was driving, bending too much which is nonsense. There is nothing physically I can’t do, I just get pain after Pilates (never used to, perhaps more conditioning?) and the driving, sitting at my desk exacerbates it. Sometimes it just feels jammed or out of alignment somehow. I noticed I don’t have pain sitting other places as much nor have pain doing things that should cause me pain like stairs or sweeping.

1) I’m pretty much convinced this is TMS but just looking for outside opinions.
2) Any advice how to handle your symptoms when you have to deal with a stressful situation on a daily basis? I feel like I’ve about won the battle but looking for reassurance or validation.

Thanks for reading!

 

I feel you - hip pain sufferer here too. In fact, reading your post just caused my long-dormant hip pain to raise its ugly head!

For your #1, feel free to read my thread on this, linked below:

https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/recurrence-of-hip-pain-post-surgery.22151/ (Recurrence of Hip Pain post-Surgery)

For your #2, you just have to figure out some way to calm yourself the heck down. Settle your central nervous system. Chill the F out. Self-soothe. Whatever you call it, you have to learn how to do it. I'm sure you've seen all the self-help suggestions for doing just that, the problem is you have to figure out what works for you.

In the meantime, classic Sarno:

Read the books
Read this forum
Listen to podcasts (I recommend Nicole Sachs and Eddy Lindenstein)
Journal (even if 1min a day)
Talk to yourself (while driving alone is a great spot for this)

You're in the right place - there are wonderful people here that will have better advice than me. Good luck, you've got this!

 

Thank you Hip Guy!
I appreciate your advice! I know I have to take care of myself first instead of trying to take care of everybody. I do try and take time for myself everyday to do something I enjoy. I’m taking a meditation workshop this weekend to help me learn further how to try and calm myself when I’m feeling stressed. This is a great website for support and just knowing there are others that have dealt with this is reassuring. I will overcome this, I always do, there is just more for me to learn. Thanks again!

 

Depending on where your parents live, there are realtors who specialize in this type of downsizing, selling and clear out of homes - my sister provides this service for clients in need. Some larger realty firms may have someone who does this, so inquire! It might be very helpful.
Also consider how much controlling of things you have learned from Dad. Obviously he was the master of covert control/lack of control. Let your parents experience what they wrought! We tend to want to protect the elderly and the frail but their reality is they did this to themselves and you!
Nicole Sach’s has a great story about allowing ourselves to feel anger about elderly parents while at the same time loving them. It’s powerful!

 

Thank you Cactusflower, great advice. You have given me some good points to think about. You are correct that for some reason I feel its my duty to must protect/take care of my parents from the poor choices they made and I really don't. That's tough for me to do without feeling guilty but I will listen to the Nicole Sachs story. Thank you!

 

Thank you Jan, I forgot about writing letters to them, great suggestion. The 4 core issues are pretty much all there for me right now so good places to start as well. I will listen to Nicole Sachs too and anxious to hear what she has to say. Thank you for your validation, sometimes just hearing someone say, “yes, that is a lot and can be a trigger” helps me. I think we TMS people try to push through and even though we will admit situations are stressful and are dealing with it, we need to really pause and work on the underlying emotions.
It’s hard to admit to yourself that you are furious, disappointed and disgusted with your parents as society (and my Christian background) say you should love and forgive all the time.
I will get there, just have more digging and growing to do. Thank you, through this we are all becoming WISER NOW!!