Report on progress multiple symptoms

Hello wiki!

I’ve been here on the forum 7 months. I’ve had my current symptoms 4 years. In brief, they are pretty widespread throughout my body, in case you don’t know my story. I’m a TMS warrior, so I’ve had many symptoms come and go throughout the years. This most recent round has been very difficult because it has taken my ability to walk (I need a walker) and my ability to use my hands well. You can read more on my profile, if you’re interested.

What I wanted to share today is how hard the hidden psychological battles to recovery are. For me it has facilitated a spiritual inner overhaul. And, I still don’t have the personal strength yet to overcome everything I need to for recovery. For example:

I have needed to assert myself. (Which I haven’t done most of my life). I have had to ask for help, persist in asking and believe in myself enough to get the help. This has been very hard, mostly because I don’t love myself enough. This is clear to me. I still have a long way to go.

I have had to ask myself: “How am I personally blocking my healing?” It’s one thing to just want your symptoms to go away. But sometimes you’re actually in your own way. This can be in the form of many subtle attitudes. You have to really look closely. Do I honestly believe I deserve to get better? Or am I just going to give up, sink down in the mud, and wait to slowly die? It’s up to you. It requires WILL — the desire to keep trying, mixed with self love, mixed with a Higher Power’s influence, to keep going. (My Higher Power is God. But everyone has their own Something they go to for strength.)

Fighting invisible enemies. There are lots of them. Things you tell yourself you can’t do right now because of the pain. I thought I couldn’t cook dinner or type with one hand to do some work. But, yes I can. I still am impatient and furious that it’s just too darn hard and slow for me to get dressed in the morning. I haven’t mastered the art of being thankful to be alive dressing at the rate and capability of a 2 year old.

This is just my religion speaking, but Jesus said that to enter the kingdom of heaven, you have to become like a little child. Maybe that’s the point here, for me. I’m becoming a little child. I’m being humbled. Maybe others would call it enlightenment. But whatever it is, it’s some form of spiritual conversion. (Diamonds are made under extreme pressure.)

I write a lot of my victories here on the forum. Probably, To help myself feel better and to maybe help others. But the truth is, I’ve never been in a more difficult place. And some days I’m just overwhelmed and holding on for dear life until hope surges again. The good news is: it does surge. Sooner or later. Hope surges.

If you’ve ever seen a snail crawl down the sidewalk, you think he’s never going to get anywhere. His movement is invisible. But you look back an hour later and to your surprise, he’s 10 feet away! That’s what my TMS recovery has been like. Invisible- but somehow moving forward.

Thanks to all the angels in this forum. And I mean it! You have kept me ALIVE! You have no idea how much you mean to me. <3

 

You are doing great, healing in your own way!

 

Update on this thread… after I wrote this yesterday I picked myself up —little snail that I am—and I got determined. I did some cleaning and cooking. This is actually a big deal because I’m not used to standing for long. In fact, I think I stood longer yesterday than I have in 10 months. I may have stood 45 min. total.

Yesterday listening to Claire Weekes, the famous doctor for curing anxiety, (she never fails to inspire me) she said something that rang a bell. Your successes are what pull you out of this. As you keep succeeding, little by little, you begin to believe you are well. And then you are.

In another book, she talks about how courage is found in your gut. Literally focus on your stomach, deep in your belly, and bring that fire, that desire. Bring up Courage. Use it!

So I dug in my belly and I determined I would do this cleaning of my bathroom and some cooking (both of these I haven’t done in over month). I felt like an athlete or a warrior. I didn’t coddle my mind. I went to battle. I was determined. My body put up a fuss. My TMS brain doesn’t like this change. It brought its best. Even some new back pain and some weird new knee pain. But I forged on.

WOW it feels good!!!!! These experiences of courage say to yourself: “I’m alive! I’m done with this! This too shall pass.” All evening, I felt like my old self (psychologically). Like before this TMS hit. I was oriented differently. Not wallowing. Just happy. Living.

Doing is believing. Believing is the antidote to TMS. Refusing to give up does the trick.

 

Yes! This here is the truth. Also, outcome independence ties into this nicely. Success can look like doing the thing, facing your fear, even though the outcome is not what you wanted. I believe this is one of the most important things to recovery.

 

This is fantastic to hear, because it’s so easy to avoid doing things because you don’t wanna feel the pain, and you think you’re getting nowhere. But, when you view the pain and doing something as a victory, then it’s a lot easier to do things —-if that makes sense!

 

I need to put this on my fridge! Every single day I have to start all over and build hope —it’s not easy!