Repressed Rage

I often heard on this forum and other books on TMS that it's difficult to ascertain what are the hidden emotions behind the rage within the subconscious.

I was reading about Carl Jung notion of the shadow which is, in Sarno's talk, the ID. The unconscious, repressed aspects of the personality, often containing negative emotions, instincts, and traits that are considered unacceptable or undesirable by the individual or society i.e. the child.

Jung talks about recognising, exploring and accepting the shadow. At that point I realised all the traits I despised in my parents (monster traits) were characteristics within me that I (the superego) suppresses as I find them abhorrent. This is, perhaps, the root cause of all my pains and inner rage as that challenges my "self image" and who I am. Is this the reason my brain is creating so much pain to distract me from this realisation? All the aspects I hate about my parental figures are actually a part of me? If I hate them does it mean I hate myself? If I don't love them does it mean I don't love myself? Is this the pain my brain is feeling and is lashing out as TMS?

The fact that there are aspects of my self image that I hate makes me shudder but I realise that there are aspects of my self image that I do like and I (my superego) can control what parts of the monster I wish to let out. Perhaps those monster traits were too suppressed and needs embracing in order to truly be at peace and love oneself? By monster traits I'm not talking about illegal activities but things that may be morally wrong. Perhaps I am an asshole. Perhaps I'm not as nice as people think I am or how I think of myself. My superego does not like the thought of this and I find it abhorrent but Jung believes that embracing those evil traits we can become more whole.

I can see why my subconscious would want to protect me from this conclusion: A) Acknowledging it AND B) Accepting it as truth. In reality, I feel freedom acknowledging/accepting this as I feel a mask has come off and I can see myself and who I am more clearly. Integrating this into my daily life will be a challenge.

Does this realisation resonate with anyone?

 

I have wondered this same thing. I start to recognize my MOM in me and I didn't like her. She was cold , distant, selfish and indulgent. She was my only parent and is probably at the root of a LOT of my RAGE .

From watching other families interact, I knew there was something really wrong with us, but I couldn't quite get to it. From writing, reading and observing....It was coldness. We never hugged, said supportive things, or acted like a family at all. We didn't do things together. She did what she wanted, and if we didn't like it, we were punted.
My mom was a shutter bug, but in Mountains of photo's there is not a single picture with her hugging anybody. No emotion whatsoever. Very few smiles. Like we were 'mailing it in' pretending to be a family at all.

I raised my sons totally different...they are close with each other, have learned patience and love with people with shortcomings like my brother and ME, and are open about it. This ended up magnifying the issue, and kind of forced the topic to the surface. Right after I read Sarno, just to make it even more poignant.

I was moving to Tennessee from California where we had lived for 35 years. My Mom was upset.

My 11 year old son was surprised. "Why is Grandma upset? She doesn't even like us?"

Everywhere and all the time. The older I get, the more I am seeing myself like her and it surely makes me angry, consciously ashamed, so I imagine it is a Huge part of the Rage down there. Not having a Father is also on every list I make. I am not sure it has ever been healed. The good news?

If it is doing any damage to me down there, it won't be doing it much longer. The older I get, the more faith I have that all of this is a sort of Normal, and we are already home... I don't think anyone is immune and it is a feature of being human

 

We could be twins in life. will write about my experiences asap. Your post really hit me and totally woke me up!

 

@Baseball65
It’s really amazing you turned out so good after everything you’ve been through.

 

Mike,
Wow! This is an eye-opener. I don’t even have any opinions (yet) because obviously, I hate my parents traits so much, but I’ve never even dared to think I too might have them. Even right now I’m thinking to myself no possible way no I don’t have anything like them. I guess my shadow is hard at work! Lol I’m going be thinking about this all day —probably all week. Thank you for bringing this up!

I did read recently that perceived damaged to self image is one of the huge factors causing TMS; when we feel our self image is threatened, we feel rage.

I’m bookmarking this. I really want to think about this!

 

Diana - I realised that there is nothing I find more abhorrent than to be my parents (especially my psychopathic "dad"). I learned to live my life in the total opposite to the way they live their lives. Indeed there are traits about me I do not like which I deny but in truth those traits are mine and make me who I am. However, I do wonder whether the shadow is in conflict with the control I have over it? So, for example, my father has psychopathic traits which I find vile. I do not identify with those traits and I personally find them revulsive. Perhaps, it may be the case that my shadow endears those psychopathic traits? Jung says we should integrate the shadow i.e. don't ignore it. Indeed, I can accept that the shadow may have a dark side and I can understand why the shadow might be that way (genetics etc). However, I cannot allow "me" (superego) to act in a psychopathic way! That isn't society telling me it's abhorrent, it's me (my conscious) telling me NO WAY! I would hate myself if I acted out some of those behaviours which I associate with my parents. The shadow child can scream in rage for all it likes from now to eternity but I'd never gratify it with psychopathic behaviours to the extent that I have witnessed e.g. in my father. I understand that we should integrate the shadow without judgement or self-criticism. So, perhaps, I should learn to not find those traits abhorrent but traits I simply do not tolerate i.e. like a parent who loves a petulant child. Love the child (the shadow) as it's a part of you but not the petulance of the child. In that way you can have a relationship with the shadow/child but be firm that you will not put up with any behaviours that you don't think is appropriate to you but without any condensation or judgement (which is subjective anyway).

 

Mike-I understand what you’re saying totally. I’m sorry you had to live through such a difficult thing! it is terrifying to think that we inherited or learned some of the terrible traits from our parents. And I like what you’re saying about learning to embrace ourselves and love even the dark side of ourselves. It sounds very healing. I guess to fully forgive you would also need to sort of recognize what it is you’re forgiving. Like you, I tried really hard not to be like my parents, but I’m sure I failed in many ways.

 

I absolutely believe what you wrote can cause internal rage.
We consciously develop an outward personality we believe to be who we are at our core to be accepted and loved in this world.
We hide “the monster inside” for many reasons. I believe you don’t have to excavate it too much, just accept and recognize it is there. Let it know it doesn’t define or rule you but also recognize that some of the constructs you built to suppress it are also not you.
Two of my own biggest moments of internal freedom where when two people told me what they see in me as a person, totally busting what some others have said to me (and I believed). This has really given me a freedom to call out bullsh*t and feel free to be me. So what if I am imperfect? Why is my own love for myself so conditional?
A few years ago a woman named Ann wrote some fantastic posts. One was about encountering a homeless person while on a shopping spree - she detailed her thoughts and emotions about the encounter and it plays very much into this thread.

 

I'm curious do you know how I could find that post?

 

Like this!

 

Thanks Jan!