Resentment of TMS

I have been thinking and journaling and it occurred to me that I have this "macho" self-image as a strong, independent and resilient woman. I did have my share of tough times and tragedies, but not on a scale of what Holocaust survivors or people who have been through wars, deaths of their children or horrible illnesses experienced in their lives. Why did those people make it through and did not break down as badly as I did? Is there something wrong with me that I could not handle my problems better? Does it mean that I am just a wuss? When I try to think rationally, this whole resentment seems silly, but why does this thought comes and comes again to my mind? Is it my ego trying to protect itself?

 

The people that suffer from extreme tms are people who cope extremely well with adversity. This does two things. Firstly these people tend to down play their traumas. What seems like some mild trauma to them will more than likely seem horrific to someone who does not downplay things like us. Secondly the mechanism of tms basically occurs due to repressed emotions. Therefore it is the fact that we have decided to get on with life and bottle it all up to not digest these emotions (mostly subconsciously) is the reason we have symptoms. Some people have these extreme things happen to them but along the way have let out their rage, sadness and guilt. This is the thing that prevents tms.

An example of this is with myself and my sister. Came from a similar upbringing, similar experiences yet I have extreme tms and she doesn't. Everybody says how calm I am under pressure, how relaxed I am, what a nice person, how giving. With her they say how aggressive she is, can't keep her cool, is always breaking out into fits of rage. She quiet simply feels and expresses her emotions and I have taught my subconscious to repress them.

Good news is if you train yourself to feel these emotions and starve the symptoms of your attention they will go away. (And people will still like you because your a nice person).

 

Timmy, thank you for answering! The most interesting thing is that I understand the reasons and agree with you - rationally. But what can I do to my inner voice - bully or ego - who keeps popping up and telling me that I must be a wuss if I can't overcome the adversity, let alone my symptoms?

 

Such a good question! I was thinking that the other day too.
I remember reading in one of the TMS books that our society has a lot to do with it. If we have access to healthcare and our pain provides us with some attention, focus, time off work etc. then we see higher rates of chronic pain. In societies where they do not have access to healthcare there is less chronic pain.
Looking back, it was no surprise that I had a breakdown and went on disability after 5 years of saying "I need a break." It's tough to think of it that way but in the big picture, maybe it's true.
But, people who have gone through wars are not healthy either. I have relatives who have gone through a war in the 1990's and they are wrecks. I have relatives that have lost children and they have multiple health issues. Even my father died young of cancer because I believe he had a tough life. People back then died young and suffered too.
It's funny how after you go through trauma you can look at your life as before "x" event and after "x" event. Nothing is ever the same after.

 

You know how we keep our pain to ourselves and hold everything inside? How can you be a wuss? Any normal person would be half dead. Just think of all you have accomplished while having chronic pain. That's the opposite of a wuss. Also, it takes a really mature and intelligent person to believe in TMS. It's way easier to just pop pills and feel sorry for yourself.

 

Affirmations do help me a lot when I'm fighting that niggling negative voice inside of me. Everyday over and over at some point a voice inside me says what if it's this, what if it's not tms, what if your not strong enough, what if you have offended that person. I think just having a preprepared answer that you answer the voice with is what helps me. I continually say things to myself like, you are strong, powerful and healing everyday, there is nothing to fear! You should say things that make you feel empowered, strong and fearless. Even if it seems silly and even if you feel afraid and down on yourself, just do it. Repeat it over and over all day long when you have that negative voice. Even better when you say it, stand a little taller, clench your fists and walk a little faster. This strong physical posture together with the affirmation makes you slowly feel more powerful and fearless allowing you to disregard the voice.

Being hard on yourself and worrying is common to us tms folk. The goal is (and I'm not there yet either) is to just live life in that very moment not letting your past dictate who you are or worrying about things that might occur in the future. Challenge the inner bully, tell yourself your safe powerful and focus on just enjoying your life as you are today.

The best advice that I have ever received regarding this tms stuff is this. The pain doesn't leave you then your happiness returns. You have to find your happiness first and then your pain will bit by bit slip away to a distant memory. This is 100 percent true.

Good luck

 

Ines, this is a great insight! I agree that if there is supply of medical treatments, useful or useless, there will be a demand. We can talk ourselves into just about anything..... I hope you are doing better now, after your "break", which I am sure was not pleasant in any way....

 

Timmy, this is probably one of the most important advice one can get. Happiness, like penicillin in the Petri dish, will kill the bacteria of pain and misery. Once we start returning back to normal life, a bit by bit, we will be chipping away from the pain. I should be more forceful towards my inner bully - thank you for the encouragement.

Best of luck to you, too!

 

Man, I've been thinking about this since I read it Sat and it is HELPING so much. I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sort of getting it. This idea is the game changer. Thank you so much for posting.

 

Sounds like an inner critic voice. I think you are onto something when you say it may be a protector. Maybe by calling you a wuss it is trying to protecting you from getting hurt in some way? Or sharing yourself?

I would go ahead and ask it what it is trying to protect you from. A lot of times it is from something that has already taken place in the past. I explain to these parts exactly how old I am and what my capacities are. How I can be there for myself and take care of myself. How I need other people way less than when I was a child. Parts that are caught in the past may not have this basic information.

Best of luck.

Alexis B.Z.

 

@alexisblairezielke..."A lot of times it is from something that has already taken place in the past." Totally agree. Great insight.

 

I liked reading these things because I get the impression from people around me that they think I have this condition because I am weak. Most of them have TMS in one form or another but deny it adamantly if you hint at it.

 

No problem mate. It is quite a simple mantra to just don't worry be happy but very difficult to do. You do get better if you practice at it. People used to say to me that I just needed to worry about being happy. It absolutely infuriated me because I used to think, "well I was happy until this pain started, if it would go away I'd be fine." Now I realise that there was a large part of me that wasn't happy and I was ignoring that part. I've already seen that the happy moments I get in my life now even with some pain are richer than my pain free times. This is what I try to work towards now, finding a way to be happy everyday regardless of physical sensations.

 

Timmy, I agree. Maybe sounds like a paradox, but in a way I am a less unhappy person now than I was before my last bout of TMS hit me: I stopped rushing myself from one responsibility to another, berating myself for every missed self-imposed deadline... I look inside and talk to myself and look for happiness within. I am relearning emotions that at some point I had very skillfully learned to suppress. I started letting things go - what a totally new concept! Maybe one day I will feel happiness....

 

Wow, something to think about!

 

Many people will suggest fighting an inner bully.

But why would you want to fight with a part of yourself that will not go away? It is YOU, after all, isn't it?

These parts can be healed and transformed. Watch as a monster's face evaporates into a little child who doesn't have even the most basic information.

 

In Steve O's book, The Great Pain Deception, he has a chapter near the back that had some great strategies. He says you can get in touch with your unconscious mind/ inner child during dreams that occur just as you are waking up. He also suggests that our inner child responds well to rewards. This really helped me to recover quickly after hitting a plateau and being stuck for some time.

The inner child is not you exactly. It knows things you do not (unconscious memories) and is more immature and irrational than you are.

 

Yes, I read Steve's book and remember that part. This is where my problem is. Consciously and in self-image, I am a very rational person. I spend my waking hours at night listening to inner child meditation recordings but never feel that I have a connection with inner child. I try to imagine that irrational cute baby I used to be - but nothing comes up. Sometimes I think that my inner child got so hard beaten down - there is nothing left of her :=). Occasionally, I do things unpredictably and then wonder how the heck this idea popped in my head, because it is irrational and often outright dumb - and I am not happy about it - but maybe that's what is left of my inner child who just wants me to look stupid and immature? I have no clue what rewards would she want. Steve talks about rewarding yourself with food and sweets. I never really liked sweets that much and my only food addiction is good cheese.

As for dreams, I had severe insomnia and no dreams for many years - obvious TMS. I view improvements in my sleep and return of dreams as a sign of my recovery, but symptoms are yet to go away.

 

It is very very common to feel like you have an inner child who has been beaten down or to feel out of touch with it. In Internal Family Systems therapy we call this child the criticized child. The child that feels the pain of the critics attacks.

Therapist Bonnie Weiss came up with the concept of an inner champion. She recommends giving the child to a loving protector and caretaker. The inner champion then steps in to set boundaries with the critic. To explain that it's attacks are not helpful and not needed at this time.

That you are safe, that you don't need approval from others, that you are just fine the way you are, you are strong