Revelation: I THOUGHT I was a victim

Very interesting thing happened this morning. I realized that my list of past events/stressors only lists the times I was, or saw myself as, a VICTIM! I realized I have guilt and remorse for times I've wronged people, but in my mind I've been portraying myself mostly as a VICTIM and buying this story. So I added to the list of past stressors, the times I wronged others.

I took myself on an inner journey through some of these past events where I felt victimized; stopping at each moment where the situation escalated, and FEELING IN MY GUT THAT I HAD A CHOICE. MAKING THAT CHOICE CONSCIOUSLY. I did some reframing, saying NO or STOP where I'd said "yes" before, and had "victimized" myself.It felt good to take control like that.(I also did some pillow-punching, and that felt good, too!)

But it wasn't the whole story.

So I did the same thing again, this time stopping at each moment where the situation escalated, FEELING IN MY GUT AND MAKING A CLEAR CHOICE: YES. I continued forward into the event, doing the things I'd felt victimized by, but instead of feeling scared/victimized/reluctant, I took control by making a deliberate decision that I wanted to proceed. Choices I had made with a conflicted gut, I now did with a clear, conscious, positive intention. I knew what I was doing, and why, what I wanted to get out of the situation. As I did this I FELT IN MY BODY WHAT HAPPENED. I STRAIGHTENED UP. My spine automatically lengthened. My CHEST LIFTED. I FELT CONFIDENT AND IN CONTROL AND POWERFUL. I WAS MAKING THE CHOICE. NO ONE ELSE WAS DOING IT FOR ME.

There are still moments I haven't or can't explore fully yet, but WOW! the difference. I can feel the energy shooting out of my body even when I think about it. I can FEEL HOW I WAS HUNCHED AND FROZEN IN FEAR and my GUT WAS CONSTRICTED before I made a clear choice, how I acted out of conflict and then FELT VICTIMIZED. I know now that I AM IN CONTROL of far more than I realized. I can go back and reframe my life to free myself of emotional bonds that are hurting me, physically as well as psychically. I can make a choice at every moment.

(Prompted by the TMS work, I have also been writing (unsent) letters of apology to people I've hurt in the past, and this feels "clean" and good.)

The lotus is unfolding...