Revelation

Forgive me, for this may be lengthy:

As a quick background, I am a 35 year old wife and mother of 3. I am a former attorney who took time off to have and raise my children. I am now in the process of switching careers and applying to physician assistant schools. I have been taking prerequisite classes for a couple of years, and I am now nearing completion. My PA applications were sent out this week, and I should know by the end of the year if I am accepted. Both programs to which I applied are located a good distance from my current home (one is an 1.5 hours away, and one is 4 hours away).

With that said, during my journaling today, it dawned on me that the increase in my pain may be due to my feelings surrounding returning to school. I have pushed myself to enter a PA program in hopes of fulfilling a lifelong ambition of working in the medical field and also to gain some financial independence. As a highly motivated and ambitious person, I've never been comfortable with the idea of being financially dependent on my husband. We have a tumultuous relationship, and I'm scared to end up in a situation where I find myself alone with kids, but without financial security (that makes for a longer story for a later time). However, even though returning to school was my idea (and fully supported by my husband), I'm finding myself more and more terrified as the time nears for me to actually head off to begin the program (assuming I get in, that is). I'm wondering if the rise in my level of pain is indicative of something related to that...am I going down the wrong path? Is the pain telling me I shouldn't leave my family to pursue this? Can my family make it through something like this? So many questions that inevitably weigh heavy on me. Right now I feel that one way or the other the pain is trying to derail me. I'm so torn over things, but so certain of them at the same time. That probably only makes sense in my own head...

 

I have had a similar thing happen to me recently. Have been doing good for the last couple of months with my pain levels down about 80 percent. So I decided to tell my boss that I'm ready to return to work full time again (was previously working part time due to pain levels) however since making this decision which I feel really positive and confident about, the last few days my symptoms have increased significantly and have also been feeling anxious occasionally. Weird isn't it, I know this is what I want and I know I'll be fine yet I guess in my subconscious mind there is fear of returning back to work full time. On analysis of this I began to realise that over the last 2 years I have had 2 failed attempts after long lay offs at returning to work full time. After thinking about these 2 previous attempts I realised how embarrassed I was when I had to tell my boss on both occasions that I couldn't coup. This has obviously left it's imprint on my subconscious. At a conscious level I feel confident about the decision, but obviously subconsciously I am fearful of failing again. Hence my pain has increased. Today after realising this last night I feel much better.

I suspect that you leaving your current profession to pursue something else by studying again makes your subconscious feel vulnerable and fearful. This coupled with your desire to be independent from your husband makes returning to study and relying on him even more financially while you do this, makes it all the more fearful. (Although you don't consciously know it).

All the best

Tim

 

Sounds like the perfect TMS cauldron storm to me, i.e., see the Rahe-Holmes list for stressful life situations that cause TMS/dis-ease.

Also, don't you think being a P.A. will create a lot of conflict in an alopathic medical practice and your TMS views? Unless you go to work for a TMS mindbody friendly medical practice?--which are few and far between.

 

Tim,

Thank you so much for your response. You said a lot that truly resonated with me. Specifically, your analysis that you fear failing again when you return to full time employment...that's great insight! When I apply it to my situation, I definitely see that I am TERRIFIED of heading back to such an intense program and then off into the full time employment sector (from which I have been gone a long time). Anyone who knows me would tell you I am a strong-willed, confident girl who makes shit happen. Secretly, however, I am not as confident as people perceive me to be, especially now that I'm in such pain. Nevertheless, I feel tremendous pressure to live up to some sort of standard. I've worked this hard and spent this much money and time on returning to school, I'd feel like a failure if I didn't go (maybe subconsciously I don't want to??) or if I couldn't perform well because of the pain. I'm my own worst critic, and I expect perfection...hell, it's why I am in this position to begin with. But if I don't have those things, who the hell am I? I don't want to be embarrassed. I don't want to feel like a failure. I don't want to let people down, namely my family. I don't want to let myself down.

So the question that remains is whether this pain is trying to tell me that I'm on the wrong path, or is the pain a way to safeguard against the possibility of failure/embarrassment? I'm not necessarily speaking to secondary gain here or anything, I'm just trying to figure out it's overall purpose.

Thanks again for your insight!!

Emily

 

Funny you should mention the whole PA/TMS conflict issue. It is something I think about a great deal, but here's what I've come to believe. My hope is that I can incorporate TMS knowledge into whatever type of practice I choose, as I think that newer generations of doctors, nurses, PAs, etc will be more open to the suggestion. I truly feel that there is a place for both allopathic medicine and TMS-guided healing, and it is my wish to help bridge the gap. Time will tell!!

 

Emily, when I decided to go back to school at age of 45 to earn another Master's degree, I was anxious and stressed out. Looking back now, I remember that my migraines and insomnia went through the roof. No surprise to me how you feel about giving up on a well-established profession and diving into something very different and unknown - it is an open invitation to TMS! If you add your family situation, the potential for TMS is obvious.

I would agree with Tom's question about PA. You may want to consider other areas where you could have a more independent role in the medical profession where you will not be working directly for an MD.

All said, you are a courageous woman - best of luck to you!