Set back...

Sunday I almost considered getting on the success stories section and posting about what a great day I had. Not that I felt I was completely healed but I noticed that I was really focused on my life, not the pain. I had a really nice morning with my husband, walked the dogs, went shopping(which often gives me a lot of anxiety), did some projects around the house and I wasn't trying to struggle through anything, I wasn't even thinking about TMS. It was nice, it felt normal. I decided not to post because I didn't want to jinx it by thinking about it too much. Yesterday I started to feel some pain in my right foot, a very familiar plantar faciitis pain, and I decided it was TMS and started journaling and focusing on what was going on with me emotionally. I went walking and ignored the pain. While walking I didn't feel any pain, or at least I didn't think about it. Later that afternoon I suddenly felt a very sharp, aching pain in my right buttocks and down my leg but not sciatica. Hard to explain the difference except I had sciatica for so many years and it is not that kind of pain. I didn't think there was any area new in my body to experience pain and boy was I wrong! I could hardly sleep with the pain last night which is very unusual. Feels like a set back and I am disappointed but I think I know what to do. I am just torn about whether I should get out there and walk tomorrow. Walking is good for me in so many ways and I know that connecting the pain to walking is conditioning
but it is generating fear and self doubt. Not doubt about the TMS but doubt about my strength to face it. I guess that is the fear. This is where I get a little confused, when to push through and when to just let it be.

 

I can really empathize with you. The challenge we all face when hit with these setbacks is to view them as an opportunity rather than a threat. Sometimes we never find out what exactly causes the pain to return with a vengeance but as recent threads have illustrated, it's the fear that keeps it going. Looking back at my last challenge I can tell you I was absolutely petrified and no surprises that the pain was the worst I had ever experienced.

So you ignored a familiar pain in your foot which didn't serve it's purpose of keeping you focused on the physical. Your sneaky mind then formed a cunning plan to throw you a curve ball, a totally new-to-you pain. I admit it isn't easy to ignore pain in the middle of the night when you are rudely awoken.

You managed to walk okay yesterday. It doesn't sound like you injured yourself in some way before or during the walk. Perhaps try a shorter walk to start as a compromise. It may just kill off that fear and self-doubt so you can carry on your merry way.

You thought about writing your success story at a time of peace and calm but stopped lest you jinxed yourself. Could this have been a self-fulfilling prophecy?

 

Hi Anne,
I can empathize too. I had a very similar experience recently. I'm beginning to think I see a pattern where every time I either post a success, discuss it with a friend, or write it in my journal, it is followed by a flare-up of TMS. It reminds me of a similar pattern I noticed back when I used to practice yoga regularly. Whenever I would be holding a pose and have the thought 'wow, look at me, I'm getting good at this', I'd fall right out of the pose. It's as if the act of judging, even when the judgment is positive, is enough to take us out of 'the zone'--that place of doing/being/living.

As for the walking--I think this is where I'd try the strategy of talking to my unconscious brain before the walk, even out loud if necessary. Try to pour in a big dose of rational, conscious brain into it. You know the words that will work best for you. I'm still amazed that this strategy works, because it just seems too simplistic, and so I forget to use it sometimes.

Hoping you get back to walking and feeling good soon.

 

You should walk if you wish to walk and stay home if you wish to stay home. Just make sure to give yourself assurance that you do have this whooped. I still get symptom imperatives that I never give in too. I might have to take a break and let a so called muscle pull rest but I know what it is and it just heals rather I rest it or keep moving. I know the difference in tms pain and muscle pain but it will still trick you to the max so here Anne You have to stand your ground and do everything you've learned to do up to now.

Just keep being content and patient and as happy as possible, you should have that success story very soon. You are already a success.

 

Thanks Ellen, Eric and YB44. It sure is nice to talk to people who truly understand! My husband just gives me the "here we go again" look and I completely understand why he feels that way. Hats off to TMS, it sure is good at what it sets out to do! Since the atrocious bladder spasms are back with the new buttock pain(what a wonderful combination!) I have been spending some time enjoying my pain free right occipital region, no numbness or tingling in either of my hands and my neck feels pretty good. All those months locked in constant spasm, headaches, MRI showing multiple ruptured discs, numbness and pain in my hands and arms, and here I am feeling good up top! It shifts and it will shift again soon. And some day it will shift away so I can feel good most of the time. In the meantime I will keep journaling, keep living and laughing. Eric, that was good advice on the walking. I tend to be a little structured about it because if I don't make it a habit, I get busy and don't do it. Ellen, I have also noticed a pattern noticing a success followed by a crash of some kind. I have often wondered why and maybe it has something to do with what being healthy might signify to me. I tend to get ambitious when I am feeling good and perhaps I overwhelm myself. And although I know intellectually I am not at fault for having TMS all these years, I think deep down I feel responsible. I cannot get those years back but I certainly don't want them to color my future. And YB44 I like the idea of viewing this as an opportunity rather than a threat. I really was looking at it as a threat, a big let down. But this just shows me I still have more to learn about how to manage my TMS, and it is forcing me to dig and do the work.

 

Last week I experienced a bad back lasting only a day. This Sunday I 'pulled' my back again when I was thinking about having to go to work the next morning. I blame the time of year for being more sensitive to experience TMS symptoms. The soothe-factor of nice weather and related activities is largely absent. Also conditioning might be a factor in this. Time to do some more work on the possible causes.
Shifting from a hypersensitive mind to one that doesn't produce TMS takes time I think. When we experience little or no symptoms, something might set us back a little, but probably just enough to have our brain going back into TMS-mode... not nearly as deep as when we just learned about TMS, but just enough to get burnt. I believe it takes less time to get back to the symptom-less side; we learned how to, that is our advantage this time. And we keep on learning and getting better at it until the day we die. Take care

 

Thanks for posting Anne. I can relate. It seems that several times I've been very close to pain free only to have symptoms return move etc. It's discouraging when it feels like the end is in sight and then things change. It really helps to know others go through the same thing.

In my case I try to get back to acceptance, that the pain will be gone when I don't need it anymore. I know trying to control, force, manipulate, predict all make it worse. I guess what I don't see is why when I'm almost pain free, there is the subconscious need to bring back the pain.

I've also let go as much as possible with fighting or fearing when this happens.

On an overall level I've had less pain each time around this cycle so I hope it means I'm making progress! Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe compared to before I had TMS symptoms , although I do realize I've had TMS in other forms: anxiety, chronic neck pain, and others, I just didn't realize it.

As you said it's a lesson in how to learn how to deal with TMS on a deeper level.

 

Yes after each battle you will rise a bit higher to having no pain. True
I Believe its got to do with how deeply conditioned it is.
I had 25 years of pain so I still have imperatives
but I don't focus on them and they go away.

 

Hi Anne

I can empathize with you, I go through ups and down too. What I try to tell myself is the ups are better than I've felt in years, and the downs aren't as intense as they used to be, so on balance I am healing albeit quite slowly.

I don't sweat about it too much any more, sometime I know what's caused it and can work on that, sometimes I don't, I just let it run it's course without trying to get "involved", if that makes any sense.

Please don't beat yourself up about it, I used to do that. I felt like a failure for developing TMS. I realised that was a very negative thought pattern, so I'm learning to love myself to wellness instead. Don't miss out on enjoying the good spells because you think it won't last, relish it and give yourself a little treat for doing so well, a bubble bath or a new book or something. Get well for you, not for anyone else.

Be kind to yourself

Much Love & blessings

 

I hope we can all stop thinking about our pain and focus on being, thinking happy.
I did some grocery shopping this morning and took a look at a ham and said, "You're mine!"

It's a 13 pound butt portion ham and it's baking in the oven in the kitchen at the other end of my
ranch house and the aroma is fantastic. I get many dinners and lunches out of it, Annie loves cuts
I give her for a week or more, and it only cost $13.

Amazing how the baking ham is cheering me up on another cold winter day with more snow forecast.

It doesn't take much to think of things other than our pain. Hope everyone will try it.

Another thing, when I look in the mirror to shave in morning I see an old man of 83 looking back at me.
But when I smile, the face looking at me is different. Much younger. Just from a smile.

 

Walt, your post really made me smile! Thank you.