Some nighttime ramblings..

I've been a little edgy, because this damned pain has returned. Not awful, but just enough to knock me off my high horse. I've had a few things kind of break through my mental barrier today, so I thought I'd share.
I read through a post from last year, about the way to beat TMS is to let go. That's always been a difficult concept for me to wrap my head around. I'm a control freak. Isn't that one of the personality traits of this thing? That post then brought a very specific quote to mind- "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone..." pg 84 of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book.

You see, my father is an alcoholic. He nearly died, but has been sober 9 years now. My mother quite literally drank herself to death, four years ago- I may never have a taste for whiskey again. I've spent some time in these AA meetings over the years. Like my dad said this morning, there are an awful lot of parallels between his kind and my kind. Control freaks. Hell-bent on maintaining a demeanor of calm and collected, having it all figured out. Fighters.
There was a time that I was establishing my alcoholism quite well... but my dad's was farther along, and I had to take care of him. I didn't want to go down the same path, so I fought my way through it. Then it was pharmaceuticals, but I watched my friend with her addiction, and again, I fought it off. Then ptsd sank in from an abusive husband, and I fought to stay alive. Then I fought to keep my mom alive.

For a decade, I've been fighting, my brain has been on constant high alert. Is it really any wonder that I've landed in this condition?! Just this morning I ended my journal entry with, "Time to lighten up."

Letting go has never been in my nature.

 

I agree with what your father said. TMS like alcohol is a way for our brain to change the way it feels. Alcohol is distraction from deeply uncomfortable unconscious emotions. TMS is a distraction.

Letting go is good if you can do it. Forgive yourself for holding on when you don't want to.

It is so interesting how awareness of TMS introduces insights that reduces the need for distraction of pain.