Stand Up to the Inner Bully

I'm working through the SEP and on this page https://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_Recovery_Program#Accepting_the_Diagnosis (TMS Recovery Program)"it states the following: ... the purpose of the pain in most cases is to scare you. Your inner bully is using this pain as ammunition to abuse you."

I don't understand why MY brain wants to abuse ME? That sounds crazy to me. I've been through so much abuse by external perpetrators in the past and now I'm being told that MY own brain is the perpetrator of my abuse?

Reading further below there are statements that clarify that that destructive behaviours are a bad thing and that "... people aren’t even aware that they’re treating themselves in an abusive or neglectful way." It explains that we can abuse ourselves via fear, pressure or criticism and we should be mindful of that as it's destructive. Ok, I get that, makes sense but this seems contradictory to the statement above where the inner bully of the brain wants to abuse me. If abuse = destruct there is an implication, at least in the way I read it, that my brain wishes to destroy me! That makes me feel powerless and suicidal.

Perhaps I misinterpreted what was said.

Does this make any sense? Why would my own brain want to sabotage my happiness? I always thought our brains will do whatever is necessary to survive. However, perhaps not, maybe this is the reason why a significant proportion of people commit suicide i.e. their brains abuse them causing them to self destruct and take their own lives. In actual fact this is the way I've been feeling lately and, perhaps, there may be truth to this. Alan might be right in what he says but reading that makes me feel like a powerless victim which generates more fear. If I have control over a situation I have less fear of it. So, for example, if my partner is abusive I know I may be able to escape the relationship (control) and free myself from the destruction. However, if my own brain is abusive then I cannot escape my brain (no control) to free myself from the destruction. Sure, I can stand up to the abuse but what if it doesn't listen and continues with its agenda of self destruction? Do you think when the brain self destructs in this way and creates extensive and severe TMS symptoms it is a message from the brain to the conscious telling it to commit suicide? For a number of months now I feel that my brain wants to kill me and wants to push me over the edge. I have so much to live for and don't want to die but I feel my brain has ulterior motives.

How exactly can I stand up to my inner bully? Please help me. This is the area I'm really struggling with -

Note: Alan says the following:

"A word about the inner bully. It’s you, but it isn’t you. A lot of clients that I work with have a difficult time getting angry at the part of their mind that abuses them, because they feel they are getting angry at themselves. Brain imaging research and studies on split brain patients have shown that many of our thoughts and feelings come from a place of our mind that is out of our conscious control. Like dreams. Consequently I’ve found it best to think of the inner bully, this destructive side of our minds, as coming from someone else, not the “I” that you identify with"

This, to me, is is irrelevant i.e. whether it's "I" or not. What is pertinent is that it is a part of me i.e. resides within me like a virtual cancer. I'd actually prefer a physical cancer which could be treated. Thinking that I've got a destructive figure that resides within me that's making my life a misery and pushing me towards suicide from time to time scares the hell out of me more than the actual physical sensations itself. If that's a human condition then I hate being human and thus I hate being me.

 

The brain is used to abuse because it developed in the past gradually from childhood to adulthood ... being abused. You said you've been abused many times in the past. Many people here have been abused as children for instance. Sexual, violence, neglect etc. The brain of such a person is used to constant abuse and drama but now you are free of abuse. At least constant abuse like it was in the past, when you were a child...let's say. It's peace now, quiet time but the brain needs some sort of drama/tragedy/abuse so it's going to continue producing it in a form or another. It's a learned behavior, that's all.

My mantra is: "This is not me!" every time I have crazy thoughts like you mentioned. Suicide (I don't have this one) or the tendency to overthink about x or y or to abuse yourself in a form or another. You don't have to believe your crazy brain all the time, sometimes or maybe often ... it's just a pattern. Your brain does what it used to do in the past. React to drama again and again.

Daily meditation helps tremendously. It calms down the brain.

 

In your brain there is the limbic system to include an area of the brain called the amygdala. Its job is to scan all the time for danger and when it perceives (emphasis on 'perceives') it, it takes action to protect you. The limbic system/amygdala are an ancient part of the brain from when we were cave people, aka as the 'lizard brain'.

The trouble is that the 'lizard brain' has not developed to take account of modern day life. For example, if you have a boss who is unreasonable, critical and always on your case, the 'lizard brain' is liable to consider that to be the equivalent of being stalked all day long by a saber tooth tiger! The amygdala/'lizard brain' is so primitive a mechanism, it only has two settings ‘danger’ or ‘all clear’; it's not concerned that in order to get you - and keep you - away from real or perceived danger it might be putting you at risk in other ways in the long-term. It isn't concerned about the long-term consequences of its actions. For example, my 'lizard brain' gave me physical symptoms so severe that I was bed bound several times for months on end, the longest being 7 months and in between times the symptoms reduced somewhat but kept me house bound for years, due to, amongst other things, toxicity at work and a toxic relationship. This, of course, was not good for my long-term health (bed bound = lack of movement = causes muscle wasting etc) but the 'lizard brain' isn't concerned about that; the primitive mechanism is all about immediate danger, and my brain saw it everywhere 24/7.

The pain and other symptoms is a distraction; its aim is to stop you being in situations that the lizard brain perceives as dangerous, to include such things as feeling angry because being angry might mean that you bop your awful boss on the nose or he hits you or sacks you (which would threaten your survival) or he or you might kill each other!

You might say in relation to this 'why does my lizard brain do this to me, but the vast majority of people don't have their lizard brains hobbling them?'... the answer to that question is that the vast majority of people do actually suffer from this ancient mechanism's 'danger' setting coming on (appropriately or inappropriately) to a lesser extent (or greater extent) - just think of how common back pain, headaches and IBS and so on are in the general population! Medications to relieve the symptoms of such things is a multi-million £ industry!

The SEP will introduce you to ways of calming your lizard brain to not seeing everything as being so threatening, and this is what perplexity.ai says about it...

"How to Calm the Lizard Brain
The "lizard brain" refers to the primitive part of our brain, particularly the amygdala, responsible for fear, anxiety, and the fight-or-flight response. When triggered, it can override rational thought, leading to stress and emotional reactivity. Here are evidence-based strategies to calm the lizard brain:

1. Practice Slow, Deep Breathing

• Slow, calm, and even breathing helps shift your nervous system from the fight-or-flight state to the relaxation response, activating the parasympathetic nervous system. Focusing on your breath pulls attention away from panic and allows your rational frontal cortex to regain control over the amygdala.
  
• Try simple exercises like taking three cleansing breaths or focusing on the sensation of air entering and leaving your body.
  

2. Engage in Mindfulness and Meditation

• Meditation allows you to become a detached observer of your thoughts, reducing the power of the lizard brain. Focusing on your breath or using other mindfulness techniques can help the anxious thoughts fade away.
  
• Regular mindfulness practice increases self-awareness, which is key to catching the lizard brain in action before it spirals out of control.
  

3. Use Visualization and Positive Focus

• The lizard brain responds to imagined scenarios as if they are real. Visualizing success and focusing on the pleasure of achieving your goals can calm this primitive response. Journaling or talking about positive outcomes also helps reframe fear into excitement.
  

4. Activate the Rational Brain

• Deliberately engage your frontal lobes by analyzing your fears and doubts with logic and reasoning. Challenge your excuses as if you were advising a friend, and look for evidence that contradicts your anxious thoughts. This logical approach can override the emotional response of the amygdala.
  

5. Take Small Steps Forward

• The lizard brain is most triggered by change and the unknown. Taking very small, manageable steps toward your goal helps desensitize your brain to new experiences, making them feel safer over time.
  

6. Remove Quick Dopamine Triggers

• The lizard brain craves immediate gratification. Reducing access to quick dopamine sources (like junk food, social media, or other instant rewards) can help retrain your brain to seek satisfaction from healthier, longer-term activities.
  

7. Practice Empathy and Co-Regulation

• If you’re interacting with others (especially children), staying calm yourself helps regulate their emotions. Calmness is contagious, and pausing before reacting can de-escalate tense situations.
  

8. Increase Self-Awareness

• Notice the physical and mental signs that your lizard brain is taking over (tight chest, racing thoughts, etc.). Recognizing these early warning signs allows you to intervene with calming strategies before you become overwhelmed.
  

By consistently practicing these techniques, you can train your mind to respond more calmly and rationally, reducing the power of the lizard brain over time."

 

BloodMoon, I think we are the exception and not the rule. Sure, all humans have a 'lizard brain' and a significant proportion of people suffer from TMS symptoms but not to the severity and extent that that we suffered or are suffering from. What you explain about your experiences match mine i.e. severe and extreme degradation to quality of life. I do not know anyone in my 50 years of life who is suffering from TMS like symptoms to the severity and extent like I am other than those I meet on the Internet. In a world with 8 billion of us we are the exception and not the rule. Look, lots of people suffer from trauma, wars, famine, abuse etc. I don't think I'm a victim of neglect but the truth is I was a victim. It happened, my perpetrators are evil fuckwits but there are lots of evil fuckwits in this world that do evil stuff. Not all victims of evil perps have such severe and extensive pain that dis-ables them. I haven't worked for nearly 9 months!!!!! This isn't a normal reaction of a lizard brain else you'd have so many people in a dis-abled condition. For example, there are some people in this world who are overweight, some who are obese and some rarely morbidly obese. Weight gain is a standard human condition but morbid obesity (severity/extremes) isn't i.e. it is a very rare condition. I see this analogous to TMS whereby TMS is a human condition but an extreme version of it where one is house bound, dis-abled, in extreme pain etc is very rare. If we use that trail of thought then my lizard brain is overacting in a big way. I am not saying the trauma I want through was insignificant. It was significant but the TMS symptoms are way out of proportion! To me that tells me my lizard brain has a dysfunction. Similar to a morbidly obese person may have a dysfunction in the way they metabolise food. I could eat all day long but I'd never become morbidly obese. It's not just a behavioural condition of eating too much i.e. there's a significant biological element too. In the same way my lizard brain has gone bonkers. You say that the lizard brain has only two settings ‘danger’ or ‘all clear’. Well, okay, then the setting 'danger' is set way too high and, to me, that is a defect or a bug in the system. It's like using a 100m high guillotine to crack an egg. When I think back I now recognise that I have previously suffered from all sorts of TMS (mild to moderate) systems but they were manageable i.e. they weren't nice to live with but I was able to live a relatively normal life. Right now, that is not the case and I don't give a shit what my lizard brain asks of me. I leave my house, I drive, go to the spa, the gym etc. I find ways to work around the pain (cushion seats, heated seats etc). It's so difficult but I do it as I refuse to let my abuser (lizard brain) to control me. Fuck the lizard brain. It can go to hell. I mean it. It can go fuck itself. My psychologist does not agree with me standing up to my brain and in such a way. Her view is that I need to be kind to it as it's gone through trauma and needs TLC. However, I cannot be kind to someone or something that is causing me suffering! There's nothing physically wrong with me and I realise my brain has been fucking around with me big time. Not just now but for many years ... symptoms I only realise now are attributable to TMS. I will not be held a prisoner to the lizard brain. This is war! Seriously it can fuck off. However, lets not lie to ourselves, a severe over-reaction to the 'danger' setting to the point where one feels dis-abled (housebound, can't sit for long etc) isn't normal and that has to be defect within the lizard brain. It's the same thing with severe fibromylagia (TMS) .... a severe defect within the 'danger' setting within the lizard brain.

Right now I am going to get dressed and drive to my local gym for a yoga session. It's not easy doing this in pain and discomfort but I will not be held a prisoner by my own brain. If it wishes to crack an egg using a 100m guillotine then let it. Sometimes we think our enemies are at arms distance e.g. a boss at work, a colleague, a parent etc. However, sometimes we need to look a little closer. I don't give a shit if my lizard brain is scared - it's acting unreasonable. Right now it's the enemy. I will not give in to an enemy. I detest my brain so much. I wish I could take me (the "I" as I know me to be) and escape from this horrid brain.

 

It's obviously entirely up to you how you view it and how you decide to go about trying to lose your symptoms. However, I'm with Alan Gordon on this...

He does not describe the amygdala as being defective or faulty in the sense of being broken or inherently defective. Instead, he views the amygdala as an alarm system that can become overactive or "stuck in the on position", leading it to misinterpret safe signals from the body as threats. This overactivity is not a malfunction of the amygdala itself, but rather a result of learned neural pathways and conditioning-essentially, the brain making a mistake in its interpretation of danger and pain. Gordon uses the analogy of a smoke alarm that sounds when there is no fire: the alarm system is working as designed, but it is being triggered inappropriately due to misperception, not because it is broken.

In summary, Gordon sees the amygdala as functioning as it should, but sometimes it becomes overactive due to neuroplastic changes, leading to chronic pain. The solution is not to "fix" a faulty amygdala, but to retrain it to interpret signals accurately.

One might argue that "stuck in the on position" = 'defective'/'faulty', but personally I don't believe it to be the same thing and I'm not prepared to get embroiled in debating the issue. The only thing I will say is that the trouble with 'defective' or 'faulty' is that it has the connotation of there being no hope or solution or possibility of recovery.

Whether my amygdala/lizard brain was/is "defective"/'faulty' or just "stuck in the on position", what I do know is that by using the techniques that I have outlined above, and some others that have posted about in numerous message on various forum threads on this Wiki, I've gone from being bedridden to functioning well. I am not fully free of symptoms but day by day, I am certainly getting there!

I am always up for polite, friendly discussion, and agreeing to disagree. However, the tone of your last message was a really unpleasant virtually paragraph-less difficult to read angry rant that I feel I didn't deserve to be sent in my direction. A huge part of TMS is anger/rage. My parting advice is for you to consider private journaling your anger/rage out.

 

Sorry, I did not mean to offend you or cause upset. Never my intention to direct anything negative on to you. You have been so helpful on my TMS journey and I have nothing but gratitude to you. I was directing my angry rant at my brain and that post was an angry rant at my brain. That was never my intention but it organically happened that way. Once again, sorry. Your recovery gives me hope ie if your brain is functioning well and I have hope that mine will to. I don’t think defect necessarily means permanent. In my mind the defect is in the loop of fight or flight. Like computer code it can come out of that loop. The loop is the defect. Code can come out of loops. Just need to find out how to get out of this loop, that’s all. Peace x

 

Computers can come out of loops by a hard or soft reset and I truly believe it’s same for us humans. I just need to find where the reset button is!

 

Not abuse you. A better word might be control you.
The inner you doesn't have arms and legs and hands and feet. It needs you for those things.
Like if you are on a diet and that buggah inside wants to eat the second piece of cake. It can't do it without you. It needs you to reach over and cut the cake and hold the fork and put it in your mouth. So it comes up with all sorts of rationals for you.
"I didn't have any snacks yesterday!"
"It's carrot cake and carrots are healthy!"
"I have two more weeks until that event, that's plenty of time to eat more healthy after this."
"The first piece I ate was really small. If I take another small one it will equal a normal size piece."

The lizard is super good at coming up with these things and getting us to do its bidding.

If the little you has social anxiety and you have made plans to go out to lunch with a friend or to a party and you were excited about it at the time, the little you will start with the same kind of persuasion.
Only this time it has control of your inside body parts so it can turn a stomach ache on or nausea or lightheadedness.

It's not really abuse, it's controlling.

Not sure if that is how TMS or the SEP sees it but that's how I view it from a combo TMS + Rational Recovery lens.

EDITING TO ADD:
I forgot to answer your question about how do you stand up to the inner bully.

Understanding what's going on and helping your inner person to either step aside or to want the same things as you.

For example, a few weeks I had to do something that I was nervous about. I knew the nerves were coming from the little me inside that wanted the people involved to love me. But it was the kind of situation where to do what I needed to do they wouldn't like me at all. So I told my little me to step aside and I brought on my teenager me. My teenager me was a lot tougher and fearless than current me. I swear I'm not multiple personality but that framing helped me get in the right mindset and allowed me to not only get through what I needed to get through but also to excel at it. If I hadn't set my scaredy needy baby aside and went in as is, I would have been having all kinds of physical symptoms trying to get me to make some excuses to not attend and put it off for another date and time.

I suggest if you don't already do so to use pen and paper and talk to the inner self that is controlling you. Let it get out all it's anger that is creating the other emotions and feelings and help it feel better. Once they get all that crap out, they are less inclined to "abuse" you.

 

A golden nugget imho! I would have never have thought to do that. I'm going to use it!

 

Apology accepted! Not trying to protract the issue, but if you're going to have a general rant then please do try and communicate that that's the case to the person you are replying to, only we're all TMSers on here with oversensitive amygdalas and so stuff like that can be triggering.

 

Angry rant is why we journal personally and then tear it up and throw it away. Nobody else sees it, nobody is offended by spilling our nastiest thoughts and it’s gone forever!

 

Welcome @mikeinlondon . Good topic, there's a lot to be discussed here, purpose of pain, neuroplasticity, trauma, the relation between the limbic system, the unconscious and the cognitive brain, and so on...
But I'm gonna stick with other thing, TMS learning.

If you look for recent videos of Lorimer Moseley (for me one of the best in this field) he speaks a lot about how there needs to be a change in the way TMS is taught. He says more and more data are being collected by his and other teams pointing to confusion as being a main factor to people not recovering well from TMS.

There are in fact a lot of apparent contradictions in the methods taught out there (well, some of them are not apparent, they are straight forward contradictions) that lead to the patient having to have a semantics talk in their head, that will be right away thrown out when the first flare appears.

At the last San Diego Pain Summit there was a talk (sorry, can't remember which one) about how pain specialists should first and foremost prepare the patient for the uncertainty of symptoms triggers. It's natural the patient, led by the therapist, will search for the triggers in order to have certain control over the pain. But that's not exact science and changes all the time, leaving the patient frustrated and in despair.

TMS data is still in shortage. We're all here searching for the best approach. Maybe there is a Holy Grail bound to be found out there.

The amygdala is all about survival. It doesn't give a rat's ass about happiness.
Anyway, I think you can benefit from learning about Richard Schwartz's IFS, and how the sabotage is not a sabotage per se, but a burden that parts of your brain learned to carry to prevent you from childhood suffering.

Sam Miller (you can found her at The Mindful Gardner YouTube channel) says there are 4 TMS stages, each one demanding adjustments in the treatment. For example, in the first level you can heal with CBT techniques, Dan Buglio videos and other methods of retraining your brain. In the third level (the one you appears to be) you gotta tackle the dark side of your mind (Sarno's reservoir of rage, Sachs's inner child free journaling, Jung's shadow...). In the fourth level the only thing you're able to do for now is to work on your brain feeling safer about your emotions.

The main point here is that, yes, as @BloodMoon explained, a lot of people out there are suffering from TMS without knowing about it. They're mainly in the first stage, having their daily migraines, allergies, back and neck pains etc.). I was in a party last weekend and talking to my friends I realised the majority of them are suffering from TMS. It's in fact a modern epidemic.

Well, that was a lot. Focus on your anger, you clearly have a lot to gain there.
Hope you improve soon!

 

Thanks!
I didn't really plan it, it just happened. I was lying in bed that morning still half asleep and feeling the fear from Baby Booble creeping in. I knew I had to set that aside. Not sure how Teen Booble came in but I do sometimes let both Baby and Teen have the wheel when I'm "journaling." Teen Booble is a badass. LOL.