Successes and questions. Weirdness during meditation and emotional numbness?

Long time lurker here and first time poster! You have no idea how many of you have helped me over the last couple of years! Thank you, and especially to the Beloved Grand Eagles .

I am hoping that sharing some of the progress I have made can help some people. I also hope a kind soul or two might shed some light for me on the deeply troubling things I am still stuck on.

First, the successes!

1) Recovered from chronic pain - chronic headaches, a shoulder that refused to heal after a dislocation, and a neck so painful it hurt to touch or turn, along with several "post-concussion" symptoms. This was originally brought on by a bad accidental fall from the second story, and a second accident with my shoulder. By then, my brain was already primed by a lifetime of on-and-off trauma, so TMS really set in. Recovery took a few years - I did not know about TMS but eventually stumbled across a PT who told me my brain was simply over-sensitized and used similar methods. At the height of symptoms, every little head tap yielded another bad migraine. My hand uses to turn a wild array of colors. Now it is all fine.

2) Bouts of chronic fatigue. These started after covid hit, along with the isolation from friends (I was told by my doctor I was very high risk because of the prior concussion) and severe stress at home. Because my brain knew pain would not "work", I ended up with moderately severe fatigue instead, and some depression. But somehow, I intuitively did the outcome independence approach and it got better. The pandemic passed and I could feel I was on the right track.

3) The dizziness "monster" struck. I suffered a major interpersonal trauma, and bam, two days later I suddenly became severely dizzy (not vertigo, but a more nebulous feeling of dissociation and being on a boat - everything bounced). Saw many specialists, got told it is probably MdDS and that "this might be forever". I think PPPD got thrown around too. This was by far worse anything I ever experienced and I got severely depressed. Got anhedonia and basically became an emotionally numb robot. A year and some in, I finally found out about TMS and Sarno and the many dizziness success stories here. Another year and some later, the dizziness now has good and bad days but I go through long periods where it is irrelevant. I have managed to go from being unsure of taking a few steps to summiting a few mountains and starting karate. So if you are told you have MdDS or PPPD or whatever dizziness, please know that it can get a lot better! It got better for me despite concurrently dealing with a terrifying home situation that is now finally resolved. I even had periods where I managed to work part time during all this for the first time in years!

Where I am TOTALLY stuck:

4) I still have that nearly complete emotional numbness and lack of pleasure at doing things. It's like I went from being a very sensitive person with many feelings to a person with none at all (like a silly robot). Rarely, I manage to cry and wish I could do it more. Also, I have a persistent feeling of tension and vibration throughout the left side of my body, especially in my neck. Sometimes it trembles for hours, badly, and makes working difficult. Knowing meditation can be very useful (and having done so years ago), I tried meditating again. However, I run into the following issue: when I start trying to feel into my body, I either 1) do a crazy twitch that makes my body practically leap off the bed or 2) let out an involuntary scream (I wonder if I terrify my neighbours, haha). Sometimes I get a warning of building tension first and sometimes none. This can happen many many times in a row so I don't really know what to do meditation-wise. Sometimes the same things happen when I am falling asleep or even in a moment of awake relaxation (not that I ever actually manage to truly feel "relaxed").

I am already working with a trauma therapist but nothing can replace the insight of this community sometimes! I know this must be TMS/the somatic presentation of trauma too, of course, but these latest presentations have been so much harder to shift. I tell myself the numbness must be protective and the result of SO many rough years, but I have never seen anyone talk about something similar to what I described in the last paragraph above so, of course, my brain seized on these as being reflective of some genuine brain damage. It still tries to start the "Well, you WERE concussed, maybe it IS brain inflammation" story. It is also incredibly hard not to feel weird about being a "robot", when I used to have too much empathy/anxiety, honestly. If anyone has gone through something similar or has any advice to offer on this last front, I would be grateful. Help, please!!!

 

Does your trauma therapist do EMDR or Internal Family Systems with you? Those can both be helpful (whichever one resonates with you and your therapist) to do some very deep work, and break through a bit more. Sometimes this work is slow. You make leaps and bounds and then you plateau for a bit - it's like your mind has to catch up for the next round....kinda like peeling an onion, very slow, one layer at a time. You aren't stuck...you're in a plateau. Don't sweat the plateaus ... they are totally where I like to hang out a lot of the time right now and I'm OK with that. I just remind myself things are SO much better and will get better still!

"I DO believe there is value in certain "laying on of hands" bodywork that helps people get in touch with the intricate interactions of the mindbody in a safe environment." - my therapist suggested that this would be my next route. Cranial Sacral or Reiki - it's less about the actual method (the method itself isn't healing) but it's like therapy ... it's more about the bond and relationship between two people and the space there that allows you to feel safe with vulnerability. I haven't tried either one, personally, but Reiki was really helpful to my Dad when he could no longer speak (Parkinsons), it was a way for him to connect with another person.

Qui Gong is excellent! I use the most basic of practices on youtube, and if you're interested, I can hook you up with a few good videos.

Another excellent way to get in touch with some emotions is meditation and in particular a good guide with Meta style eg. Christian Kneff's Loving Kindness meditations. They are short and you can do them daily. They really helped me feel a balance between my inner raging, tantruming 2 year old and empathy towards others - I found they helped me begin to feel more joyful towards others which just opened things up over time.

The crazy twitches (which I used to get all the time) and the little screams are just what I like to call "off gassing". Pay no mind of them, or even marvel at how your body can unwind itself! Your body has stored up a lot of junk that it needs to release, so let it. It's really not any big deal. Feel it to heal!