Support for going deeper

This is a difficult post to write. I am forcing myself to do it because I feel I need to as part of my recovery, not because I necessarily want to. Yesterday I was thinking about Nicole Sachs' interview (if you've been through the SEP it was part of day 38). I was struck by her honesty, specifically when she realized she had feelings of hate for her own children (please don't take this out of context - she is obviously a wonderful mother who is willing to be honest about the ups and downs of parenting and the emotions probably all parents feel at some point).

Thinking of her honesty inspired me and allowed me to go deeper - then, up floated these very raw and powerful feelings of rage and fury. I could feel an internal tug of war (feel it, no push it down, no I'm going to feel it, etc), but I was able to persist and feel the feelings. It's tough feeling feelings you don't want to have - feelings you've been told all your life are "bad" or "wrong" or "not nice."

Then, I said, "I don't need these feelings today" - as in, I don't need my day to get off track, the timing's inconvenient, I have other things I wanted to get done today. Then, Byron Katie came to my mind and I asked myself, "Is that true?" I said "NO" out loud and then thought, "this is exactly what I need to feel today because it is exactly what I need to continue my recovery."

It was hard to go deeper then I had before and to allow these emotions to surface. I had a strong feeling that I needed to share these "bad" (from society's view) feelings. I made a commitment to myself that I would make myself vulnerable and share them with the forum because historically these are the types of emotions I would hide from others.

If you read this post, I would love your support for continuing to go deep and feeling the things that run so counter to being "perfect" and "good."

 

Getting to feel the rage and anger we have repressed is important - as is learning how to deal with it, process it and eventually we can let go of the feelings. It takes honesty and is a really hard process to go through. But there is joy and healing on the other side of it, so good luck.

 

Sharing feelings with us on the forum is great therapy for healing. We all need comforting and knowing we are not alone in pain.

It wasn't easy for me to journal about my parents divorcing when I was seven and how that left me with feelings of insecurity. But I came to realize that it's a common emotion especially among those whose parents divorced. My parents reconciled a year later but it still left me with insecurity, maybe wondering if the "other" shoe would drop. Painful as it was to journal about that, it helped me to forgive them and that ended my back pain.

 

You're exactly right. You do need your feelings, all of them. It's courageous of you to face them and bring them out.

When we try to hide them from others, we end up hiding them from ourselves, and that's what leads to TMS. Listen to your inner voice.

 

I get it. I think we have to feel the feelings- even the negative ones- and not try to stuff them down thinking that rage is bad. That's what we did for years, right?
I have two things going on. One is steady physical improvement. The other is anger. I am angry with those around me for making me ill, and angry with myself for learned helplessness, and for allowing myself to get into this mess.
P.S. I did an hour of intense cardio- "Body Jam," a blend of hip hop and jazz rhythms--at the gym today.

 

Sunny, it sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to heal.
According to my TMS doc (Sklar) and Micheal Brown (THE PRESENCE PROCESS) ............." THE WAY OUT IS THROUGH."
WE must feel emotions we have long suppressed.

 

I don't see any good that will result from "going deeper" and feel our negative feelings. I think it may help if we go deeper with a forgiving and letting go mentality. Re living a bad experience. Feeling rage, anger, guilt, regret, trauma... how on earth would that help us? I've seen people get better with laughing therapy, compassionate therapy. I have never seen anyone get better with "going deeper". In my community there are many people suffering from ptsd due to the horror of war. If you tell them to bring back and re live their past horrible experience, they will surely get worse. They can only be help with professional therapist, who would go "there" with them and explain to them that the situation is past and is over. Events like that can happen to anyone, they need to forgive, forget, and let go. Don't re live it, don't feel it anymore. It is a new life. "don't cry over spilled milk".

 

This is not a "one size fits all" diagnosis, and there is no "one size fits all" answer.

 

People need to be able to accept all their feelings, the bad and the good. It's when we feel threatened by our feelings that TMS sets in. That's why it's sometimes necessary to dig up the negative -- so we can know what's there, face it down, and no longer feel the need to push it away.

And sometimes it's necessary to experience our rage, or pain, before we can come to meaningful forgiveness. Otherwise, how do we know what we're forgiving?

 

However, it is important to have a safe space to do this with, generally a skilled and credentionaled practitioner who will be available to you. For Trauma, there are "Seeking Safety (TM) groups and therapists in the Boston area. Google "Seeking Safety." For many, working on the psychological requires some containment learning of ways to put it back together.