Tensive thinking

I can't seem to find any related stories of this type of TMS. I haven't seen it describe either. It might just be my experience and description of it that is wrong. This is how I see it now.

My muscles are really tense, but moments of insight and clarity has lead me to some insight on how tension is developed. I have even been in a half-meditative state where I could observe the type of thinking that directly lead to tensing: and then make it this awful thinking process obsolete whenever it occurred.

Mainly its the muscle and or fascia tension that causes me to be unable to think clearly. When its at 50% intensity can almost get the math formula worked out in my head, when its at 80%, I have no clue what I'm looking at, even though I half a minute before had a complete understanding of it. Mostly I'm at about 80%.
When I have almost zero percent tension in my body I will feel pain in my lower back, or ass. Or a slight pain in my neck. But the pain is not a problem for me. I can live with this pain. Even though if I obsess on it.

When I have managed to observe myself and how the tension is developed, I would describe its building up something like this.

I will give the process which I think is causing the tensing of my neck, face and back the name "tensive thinking", because when it is directing my thoughts it tenses some muscles in my face at the same exact time the thought appears. (This is seldom apparent to me, because in a mind-state of high tension, I cannot differentiate this thought and the appliance of tension from the tension I am experiencing.) So a thought being directed by tensive thinking, for example when it tells me to move my head, would come with the tensing of face and neck.
This type of thinking feels like a correctional state, or that its there to correct my behavior in any manner. And I think it might be linked with a type of perfectionistic thought pattern I cannot seem to be able to take control over. Because I can still vaguely remember how it was to be me without the tensive thinking. And thats where I think my tensive thinking wants me to go. Only it doesn't help me to go there at all. It just makes me tense whenever it tries to make me do something.
It will also kick in and tell me to all kinds of things to think about, or stop thinking about, or thoughts that aren't as good as they used to be.
The tensive thinking will slowly add up the tension by increments, the increments can be big and small, but in the end they add up to massive tension that is totally mind debilitating. Right now I'm having some clarity. And I think this description is fairly accurate of how I perceive it to be working.

Any insight? Thank you!

 

Hi again. I have read hope and help for your nerves, and its an enjoyable read. But its really hard to apply in my case I found. It will bring along relief but not lasting. About the internal bully. I should check that one out again. I have been in a constant search for what is making me tense up, and many times I have thought that I had gotten the solution, because I didn't have any tension left, but it have always ended with it coming back just an hour or two afterwards. But if there is something I will beat it is this. I am so determined that I use almost waking hour I am able to think about it, to think about it.

I'm almost certain that my OCD also plays a crucial role in my neck tension / pain. But it has been very well hidden because the compulsions have been so hidden behind the brain fog and focus on neck tension. Usually I have no trouble what so ever telling OCD compulsions from normal behaviour. But here its almost impossible.

My current view shortly explained: I'm a perfectionist in thought, when I get to think and re-experience my older self and how I thought about things I can see that I would omit doing stuff, and would not see myself fit to do stuff before I got order in my life. If it wasn't properly done I wouldn't do it, and if I tried I would rarely be satisfied. My progression to constant muscle tension all happened some years ago, when I saw how hooked I was on sugar, how bad my health was, how bad I was at reading and remembering. So I got really interested in neruoscience and personal transformation. I was going to get all things straight so I could get my life on tracks. I was especially concerned with learning abilities. At the same time I was suffering with OCD and my perfectionist tendencies which I have had since I was a kid became sucked up by my OCD, I think possibly because I didn't have the results with my personal transformation I wanted, and I was getting "out of time". Anyhow, now my OCD is constantly monitoring whatever I'm doing, feeling, thinking - to tell me if I'm doing it according to my standards on effective, healthy thinking. OCD has basically taken control of my perfectionist self, and I find it really hard to take control back. I can still think about stuff while OCD is working in the background checking everything, OCD has almost stopped communicating with words, this process of monitoring making my muscles tense somehow. The solution might be to go to my perfectionism, re-experiencing old beliefs, identifying emotions that drive perfectionism. OCD often occur where I have major concerns, worries and anxieties. But its so hard because the OCD wont shut the heck up and also its almost unidentifiable that it is working in the background monitoring my every wrong move.

Any suggestions? It would be great if someone here could try to guess where the trouble is, like where is the emotion or feeling responsible for OCD perfectionism occurring, and what emotion or feeling is this most likely to be? UGH, I think I'm close to the solution now. But I think I need to identify it completely. My OCD perfectionism will have control if not.

 

Thank you for your long and insightful reply. Regarding OCD being an equivalent to TMS. In my case I'm suggesting that I have begun obsessing about something that will cause emotion which furthermore is responsible for muscle tension. So OCD is causing me to uncontrollably focus on an aspect of myself that is sufficient to repress emotions but not the emotion which caused OCD in the first place.

Actually I have been journaling, and postulating since I started, also lately I have started talking my mind and history out loud, because it gives me another view on it. Thinking positively and being happy is still possible, its just much harder with muscle tension, but it hasn't been able to get me closer to an answer as of yet. I feel there is some kind insight that is right in front of my eyes, but I can't grasp it, something like the lines of true forgiving, you will not be able to experience it before you truly believe it.

Existential psychotherapy seems legitimate. I was actually reading existential philosophy back some years ago, interesting stuff.

 

Sometimes there is weird things that I am not able to explain. But today when sitting in class I just recited the word expectation (only in norwegian: "forventning") while looking at persons in the classroom, and my body started to stop tensing and for almost 20 minutes I went without any tension until I got home to my flatmates. I just had to repeat the word in my head sometimes. I have no clue what it meant...