THE POWER OF FORGIVING

I won't say who sent me this email yesterday but want to share it and my reply to you all because
I've read others post that they just can't forgive those who caused them to have TMS pain.

"This might sound like a dumb question, but how did you forgive? I have been working on that for years. I believe in God, and yet....

"I know my dad was a product of his background and family stuff. Family...when my dad and uncle were little they had to wait on the front stoop, even in the rain, when they visited their grandmother. No one in the family knows why she wouldn't let them in the house while their parents were allowed inside. And why did my grandparents keep visiting her? When my grandpa was little she would lock him in a closet. So, it isn't like my dad just decided one day to be a mean person. I have tried in the past to talk to him, very unsuccessfully. We are not in contact anymore.

"Anyway, who am I that I want forgiveness, but I can't even begin to get past this?"

I replied,

"I was able to forgive my parents when I put myself in their shoes and realized they had their own physical and emotional stress-pain from their own childhood and trying to raise a family of three (my brother, sister, and me) during the 1930s Great Depression. Mom had frequent migraine headaches and Dad had bad back pain. They couldn't have been expected to be happy parents under those circumstances.

"My older brother bullied me and beat me up because he resented having to look after me and my sister. By journaling about them when I was a boy, now I could understand them all better and forgive. They had all passed on before I learned about TMS and how to forgive, but I forgave them in my heart.

"For those who caused us really big emotional problems, such as physical or emotional abuse, if we don't forgive, those who hurt us win. Forgiving those who trespass against us is some of the best advice God has given us. Forgiving lifts our heart to others and makes us feel warm and fuzzy instead. Forgiving becomes a shield against all enemies and evils of life.

"Hope this helps. "

 

I am struggling with forgiving myself. I have (I think) forgiven those who harmed me. Because of how I was raised,
I repeated many terrible behaviors and harmed others emotionally. I do not hide behind "well, it wasnt my fault" - I take full responsibility. I think part of my TMS is anger at myself. How do I deal with desperately wanting (needing) the people I have hurt to forgive me?

 

That's a tough one. You take responsibility for harming others, but they started it.
Have you forgiven those who harmed you in person or by mail or just forgave in your heart?
If they're still around, maybe try writing them and asking forgiveness. That may lead to a phone call or
a visit.

Are you sure those you feel you hurt haven't already forgiven you, or forgot about it?

Maybe you just need to work harder on forgiving yourself. Nobody's perfect. And it was probably not
your fault for passing on the harm or hurt.

 

I think I wasnt clear - I have forgiven, I think, in my heart the people who harmed me.
I want the people I know I have truly harmed to forgive me and I think I need to also forgive myself, whether those I have hurt can forgive me or not.
Thank you walt for all your posts, I like to read them.

 

Compassion and empathy is part of forgiveness as Walt states. But I also think part of it is letting go of the past. Right now, no one is hurting you and you are safe. Being present now and not dwelling on the past acts of others or of ourselves is a form of forgiveness in my opinion.

 

Rabbit, I like Ellen's advice. Let go of the past. Live in the present. As Jesus said,
today's problems are enough for us. Leave past problems be like sleeping dogs. Don't keep waking them up.

 

Thanks for posting this Walt..........reading it reminds me of a few things - 1, nobody's childhood seems to have been perfect, and 2, the longer we hold on to this stuff the worse off we are both phys and mentally. i'm not even close yet but I am working on it.

Letting go may be the toughest part of TMS solution.