Ticked Off

I really am! I'm so tired of this junk and need to vent! I have two incredibly beautiful and special daughters that I want to enjoy and be present with, but this flipping pain/tingling/twitching/anxiety WILL NOT let me go for one second. I fall asleep in pain and wake up the same way. It can vary in intensity, but it is always there. Like a bad dream. I've been journaling, reading, meditating, etc. and it still has a grip on me. GAH!!!! Just needed to get that off my chest!!! I cannot change the stress level in my life, but I'm reacting as well as I know how.

Any advice?

 

i have all kinds of advice-maybe phone advice
we will see though-we can probably get to the bottom here
Pandagirl ive seen that name before-you got the coolest name
you been doing this a while right with the sarno reminders and much more as stated above
so its pain and the stress of it-ok, do you have any thoughts of rage- that might have a picture,an image such as a person or a feeling of i dont know will do
(let me interject here-that the thoughts of rage we talk about in tms healing could be something of no concern to anyone else, but to you could make you fume, on top of that its all these thoughts stacked or gone over and over that causes the repressed rage that after a few weeks like any habit gets into the subconscious.
for our conscious talks though
when,if you kept a time list is the pain/anxiety mostly at its worst?
do that time list if you havent already -i think you have
or is it 24/7
we can go from here-thanks panda girl

 

Hi Eric! Thanks for your reply! I can't remember when I first came across Sarno, but for a long time I have been convinced something was seriously wrong with me. I went through all sorts of medical testing at the recommendation of my doctors to rule out serious issues like MS, lupus, etc. Nothing abnormal on the tests, but eventually a new doctor told me I was experiencing somatization. Interesting that she is a young woman (37) and was confident I could make full recovery. Previous doctors, who were older, told me that anxiety and/or my brain could not cause physical symptoms, shrugged their shoulders and prescribed meds.

I'm frustrated that I'm not recovering faster, I'm tired of trying to figure out what is causing subconcious rage. I feel like I'm pretty aware of everything unless I have blocked something. Does my rage have a face? Yes, my mother and father. I've had bad dreams lately that focused on me telling them off. I recently cut off contact with both of them because they are negative and toxic people. I honestly don't miss them being part of my life because they aren't good people. If anything, I have mourned the fact that I never had decent parents. Nothing I can do about that now and I feel like journaling, thinking about it, just leaves me wallowing in self-pity when really all I want to do is move on and make the best of my life. I wish my body would agree!

I don't have a time list, it's 24/7, but it is particularly bothersome when I try to lay down to sleep at night or take a nap (yeah right!). Last week my toddler was being naughty in a store full of glass decorations and my toes went numb! Ridiculous!

I've been through therapy without success, just not sure what else to do.

 

Ok I'l comment on the anger at parents part. How about writing them a feelings letter (you can mail it or not). Sit for a minute and think about them (or each on their own) and feel the feelings come up. Then let the feelings rip uncensored I FEEL ANGRY. . . sad, afraid, guilty. I found sometimes that my brain was raging faster than my pen could write. I hate that you . . . how dare you . . . however it flows out of you.

Perhaps you also need to feel the sadness of the loss of them from your life. You can write about that too.

You may need to do this more than once. You can get to a point where when you think about them, your feelings will be neutral. this will likely take time and more than one writing session.

I would also suggest thinking about their upbringing and how their parents treated them. I've tried to do this when I have an issue with someone. Then sometimes I can feel compassion because they were not treated well and had not learned to heal this themselves. Doesn't take them off the hook for their behavior, but gives insight sometimes into the why.

You can do this to the point where you feel relief though. Trust me, I've done it.

Also, Your dreams prove you really want to tell them a thing or two; if I felt this way I'd be writing it out to get it out of me.

If you see my other posts that talk about journaling and letter-writing, I always say to end on a positive note. Even if it is : I'm ready to heal this. You may even get to a point where you can say to them (in a letter or in person) I forgive you.

I know this can be frustrating, but truly, it takes as long as it takes!!

Best wishes!!

 

Hi Pandagirl,
One exercise I did recommended by Christiane Northrup is for 10 minutes take a small towel ( When you are by yourself) yell, cry, scream at your Mother beating the towel as hard as you can on anything not breakable. Yelling ... how could you not love me... I am loveable. Yell anything meaningful to you. Switch hands after 5 minutes so you won't get sore.

I felt it helped to release some of the deep anger. I physically felt better and was exhausted when I finished. Sandy

 

Thank you Lori and SandyRae! I have written a letter on the advice of my therapist. I haven't mailed it because I feel like it would be cruel and inflict pain on my mother. Although I'm angry with her, I don't want to hurt her. She's a miserable person and I don't think anything will change. Perhaps I need to do this a few more times though. I think I'll also get a towel! Or maybe a punching bag!

 

I found your statement about your toddler being naughty in the store with glass decorations to be illuminating. Your toes went numb! This TMS diagnosis is so profound, really. I found that the stupidest, littlest things were annoying me on the inside - a casual remark from a family member could cause pain or numbness in the weirdest places.

So what was it about the scenario with your toddler that was deep down enraging? Was it your feeling like others in the store were judging you as a mom because you did not have control? Or, were you recalling your experience as a child? Or was it none of the above? Your toes went "numb", and it was your toes. There must be some meaning there but I don't know what it could be. Maybe your internal mind said to you, "I can't stand this!" and then your toes went numb. The good thing is that TMS points out to us what is truly bothering us, even though it is perceived as silly by our adult mind - "rediculous!" you said.

Now, if you were unaware of that fact that you have TMS, perhaps your first thought to numb toes would be, "I can't feel my toes! Oh my God, I won't be able to walk out of this store! What am I going to do? I need help to walk out of this store. I can't walk!"

Anyway, I go on...but you get the picture. You instead probably recognized the TMS physical symptom for what it was and the numbness disappeared instead. Much better outcome.

What happens when we feel "numbness?" We cannot "feel" ourselves - hmmm...must be a hint there. Your ego would not let you feel the fear or anger toward your delightful, mischievous toddler. What was the fear? Shattered glass? A huge bill for shattered glass? Humiliation about not being in control? All of the above?

Some food for thought.

 

I am a newly self diagnosed patient with TMS. I am a physician and had never heard of TMS. We have no training in mind body medicine and the fact that the mind can cause pain is such a foreign concept that I would have difficulty grasping the concept myself if I did not have TMS. The somatization disorder is probably closer than most other physicians would dared to tread. I fall asleep every night telling myself that "I have no pain" and that "my body is strong". My pain slowly eases away and I fall asleep much faster. You probably have mixed feeling about your parents (guilty about not being the good daughter despite knowing it is best rationally). Journaling my help you uncover thing you didnt know you were feeling. I yell in the car and that also helps. If you have your Blue Tooth in your ear people will think you are having a heated arguement and may be more likely to let you merge. (Just Kidding)

 

I am a second year medical student, and due to intense pain was forced to take a leave of absence. I believe that God puts challenges and things in our lives that will in turn alter the well-being of others. I have fought myself and the pain for so long, that I am just so worn (Tenth Avenue North has an awesome song that I recommend entitled "Worn").

However, thanks to God's healing grace and Dr. Sarno I feel confident that wounds which were inflicted before the physical pain will be healed as well as the physical pain. I am very new to this concept and would appreciate any advice from those who have had success with the program. I think my biggest fear is not being able to run/exercise as I did before (about 50 minutes a day) and study without pain. (My first year of school was spent crying, studying on the floor, taking hydrocodone, and lying on a rolling pin due to severely taut muscles). However, I will continue to work the program and tell myself that my fear is an absolute lie.

I have had three hip surgeries in one year for torn labrums and impingements and am currently rehabbing. . . . . I long for healing and keep reminding myself that my situation is temporary and will be cured of my pain which as anguished me for so long.

May God Bless You!

 

Eric, do you say anything to yourself in the morning? I have very little pain at night but I find that my pain is the first thing I think of every morning when I wake up. I'd like to break this cycle.

 

Med, you will find a lot of support here. Have you started the Structured Educational Program yet? If not, you should. You should also join the chat on Saturdays--see above for info.

Good luck on your journey!

 

Second year of medical schools is a tuff year because you are also preparing for the USMLE Part 1 (or at least that is what it was called SEVERAL years ago). I used to get IBS symptoms when I was on call but fortunately I had a loving and supporting wife at that time so that is all the symptoms I had. Things have changed and now I have back pain from TMS which is getting better. I am fearfull that the hip labrum repairs will be taking the place of things like carpal tunnel releases, rotator cuff surgeries and lateral releases for tennis elbow. When I was in training no one had hip labral surgery. What happened?
Fear keeps you in pain. Ask you PT what you should expect from rehabilitation and when you should be able to do certain activities and then do them. Fear is hard for some of us to overcome (I am talking about myself) but you have to have the courage to overcome it. If you are not confident in your diagnosis of TMS then "pushing through the pain" will not help because the fear will increase your pain and place even more doubt in you head. If you have a doctor in your area who evaluates people with TMS you may want to see them