TMS Healing Mistakes Made

I wanted to try to help some people who are confused and stuck in healing, so I'll add to this thread as we go.

Everyone is stuck in healing, but most people think they're the exception. Take it easy on yourselves, you're doing fine. It's extremely rare that someone would read, understand and heal. It has happened, but it's very very rare--it's abnormal, or Abbie Normal.

People get stuck for various reasons, I'll try to outline a couple here. The first reason (this is in my opinion from what I'm seeing), is that people "try to heal." I did too, and it set me back. I outlined how I healed in great detail, to not only show how I healed, but to also show the mistakes I made along the way.

Don't try to heal because that's what your brain wants from you. Remember the reason you have TMS is to make you obsess on your body, to divert your awareness to something other. Stop thinking about body, and refocus on your relationships. Heal the wounds of relationship, or let them go. But you have to let go of the attachments.

The second reason for being stuck is this thing called "thinking psychologically." I think this has provided more confusion than anything. But in this particular point I'm narrowing in on "finding the reason for anger." You don't have to resolve anything, but it sure helps if you do. People get hung up on searching for the "reason for anger." This is good, but they're missing the point. It's not about trying to see if your divorce, or your mother, or the death of a loved one is causing you TMS. Of course these things are. But that's not the source of the anger. I don't believe those are the things you should be looking for, as causes of rage. You may hit upon one of those and have an ah ha moment and heal. That's all good. But that's not what I would tell someone as the "source of their anger."

The source is this separation problem. People need to be looking at WHY they are angry, not at WHAT has made them angry. We are enraged because we feel rejected. Our deepest need is to be connected, loved-unconditionally, safe, secure, needed, etc. All the comfy things a child needs in the womb. So when you look for causes of anger don't just focus on events, or situations. Look deeper into why your personality needs so much, why it gets anxious, has a quick temper, needs to be perfect, accepted, etc. These are the reasons for anger you need to be searching for when you think psychologically. The phrase "think psychologically" means to never look at your pain through the body but to peruse your psychological state for any needs for the symptoms. I'm saying, that when you seek these causes, it's ok to look at events, but to look much deeper into yourself and see the true causes.

It's always the those more basic needs that are unfulfilled that are the cause of TMS. Looking at events in life are the superficial aspect of thinking psychologically, as reasons for anger. Look a level deeper into "why." You will see yourself in a clearer light. The root cause is attachment, or attachment disorder. The personality that forms from separation-anxiety is the reason for your rage, RFYR.

Another reason for being stuck is that the brain is smart. It seems to have a mind of its own. It catches on quickly that you are catching on to TMS. So it almost always gives people something new to worry about that they feel is "absolutely a real physical thing." But it almost never is. The brain adapts its strategy quickly to give you something "different feeling." Then it has you fooled again, and the focus returns to worry again, and away from seeing yourself in panic, and anger.

All our problems come down to ego but most people can't seem to see that picture. So we bite off pieces we can swallow by disseminating smaller doses of awareness. If you jump to the ego-consciousness portion the suffering ends. But we can't rid ourselves of ego. So we push on with our minds divided in conflict.

There are many other mistakes made, some are funny, but that's a good start.

Steve

 

It is a tricky b@st@rd indeed

 

Steve, more great advice about healing.
I had a shouting match with a neighbor last week.
He accused me of stealing a few blank dvds and plastic cases
he gave me to do some family video copying.
In fact, the blanks and cases he gave me were defective
so I used my own to make the copies for him.
I let him know that but he had convinced himself I had
stolen the stuff, so I got into a shouting match with him and left.

Maybe his lack of trust in me triggered something(s) like
not being appreciated or a betrayal of friendship or both.

I feel badly now, and think I'll apologize for shouting at him,
but the relationship will never be the same as it was.
We aren't close friends, but my personality is such that I
want everyone to like-love me, so this situation gnaws at me.

I do think I'll feel better when I call and apologize about the
shouting. At least I'll feel as if I went half way with him.

 

Wow. I just called him and calmly explained again that I
didn't steal from him. He then switched to saying I had not
used the discs he gave me and that the ones I used were faulty.

I couldn't convince him he is wrong about that, so I gave up.

At least I tried a reconciliation.

I tried doing him a favor and wound up being accused of being a thief
or a bait-and-switcheroo.

Now that I think of it, and having made that conciliatory phone call,
it all sounds very trivial to me. Maybe I need more or bigger things to
think about, like those poor unfortunate people who lost their homes
in the Colorado floods.

But then I've always known that if we don't have big problems,
we make the little ones BIG.

Now I'll laugh and play with Annie.

 

The TMS peacemaker trait is powerful. I know I blame myself even when I have done nothing wrong. I had my bridge partner yell at me for making a mistake. I told her I couldn't play with her any more (it was not the first time she yelled). The next time I saw her I waved and said hello. Everything is smoothed over.

 

Great post Steve. You are always so funny too. For me, the core feeling, even deeper than rejection, is not feeling good enough. I'm finding that the stronger my feeling of being good enough grows. the less power rejection or disapproval is having. But I still tie it to things like getting things done, being a perfect mother, all the goodist stuff. If I can somehow do it all right, then I will be good enough. I've always tried to communicate to my kids at least, that they don't have to do, have, or be anything to be good enough. They get it just because they exist. They don't believe it either much of the time though, so maybe it is just part of being human!

 

Good point Forest, I call that "running through the logicals" instead of the psychologicals.

When you begin to run through the psychologicals, that could be behind your symptoms, don't just think to yourself, "yes, my divorce is the reason..." Think to yourself, "how do I feel about getting divorced?" Don't run through the logicals of the divorce like, "well now I'll have to move out, or my friends and family will think of this and that...etc." Try to connect the emotion to the symptom.

If your mother has died, don't think, "well she was a good mother...etc." Think about how that makes you feel to have lost your mother. This is the connection that needs to be made to the symptom. The EMOTION. And the emotion should be of loss and emptiness, sadness, etc.

Steve

 

Good thinking, Steve. My closest friends divorced recently and it triggered remembering when I was a boy
my parents divorced, mom married the mailman because he owned a house so there would be a roof over
our heads, then a year later divorced him and remarried my birth father who died ten years later and she
married his brother who was an alcoholic psychotic. So those divorces left me with insecurities and feelings
of abandonment. The friends' divorce brought that all back to me and I felt I had lost my place in another family.

I'm learning that being a part of a family can be wonderful, but if that doesn't happen, I can make my own family
and have, from other family members and friends. Maybe now I can realize that I am part of the largest family
possible, the family of humans on this crazy planet.

 

"Running through the logicals"-- that's a gem. Alan Gordon mentioned somewhere that sometimes people know what they are feeling, but don't actually feel it. That would be me. One part of my mind can know I am angry and why, while another part is busy rationalizing or minimizing.

Walt-- crazy planet indeed. This forum is family too. Supportive, encouraging and non judgmental, that is what a family should be.

 

Thanks tarala, la la la la, la tee doe, I wasn't sure if what I said was understandable regarding seeking the causes vs. feeling the causes. This summer I told a few people that they were running through the logicals by trying to think psychologically but they weren't feeling the events, and were making a big mistake by not connecting the emotion of the events to the symptom. They had shut off their emotions from the event and were looking at the event through a "numb mind's eye." But your example of what Alan said indicates you got it, then you provided your own example. Great. I also haven't disagreed with anything Alan has ever said, he truly understands TMS.

Forest got it too, but he always does. He stands consistent in his understanding. He's just like a tree in some type of place with lots of trees.

 

This whole thread is fantastic. So many good tidbits. Stella your "TMS peacemaker trait" really jumped out at me. I tend to go out of my way to make the peace...to a fault. Recently, a friend did something snarky to me and it was *I* who apologized. Good grief! Another clue in the continuation of 30 years of pain. And since I had a fibromyalgia diagnosis, talk about "trigger points" was a familiar topic. Which ones were flared up, how bad was it, blah, blah, blah. Today it occurred to me that the only trigger point I need to be aware of is the one between my ears.
Thanks again to all you wonderful people for this forum. It is so helpful and encouraging.

 

I also apologized to someone yesterday, because of my perfectionist need to be liked-loved by everyone.

He didn't appreciate that I was trying to reconcile our disagreement and kept it going.
I finally said enough and that is that. I need to stop being such a nice guy to people who don't deserve it.

I think it all stems from my mother always saying "Never let the sun set on an argument."
But she didn't practice what she preached and let arguments with her two sisters go on for years and never were resolved because she stubbornly never apologized to them.

So she taught me something that can be unrealistic. Some people can't forgive and some people can't accept forgiveness.

"To thine own self be true." Polonius says that to Hamlet.

Shakespeare got that right.

 

I hear ya, Walt. I was trained in my religious circles to always turn the other cheek. (And yeah, something that wasn't always modeled by those preaching it.) I'm learning more and more about the importance of boundaries. Toxic people, emotional vampires....I steer clear of them. I wish I had learned this a long time ago but alas.
Love the Shakespeare quote. One of the best lines ever penned, IMHO.

 

Wow! This is a major AHA moment for me! Thanks so much for posting this, Steve.

On some level I think I have been sensing all of this, just hadn't been able to articulate it as succinctly as you have. And, yes, I have been stuck as a result. The tricky part for me is learning to accept myself in spite of knowing that my "personality needs so much, gets anxious, has a quick temper, needs to be perfect, accepted, etc." It's hard for me to not feel flawed, since I have felt flawed all my life.

I read your book nearly a year ago, but don't remember this part. I think I will start it over again!

 

I just wanted to join in in thanking Steve for this insight. WOW!!! I am half way through your book and don't remember this so I must not have gotten to it yet.
But. this is exactly what I do. I try to find the WHAT has made me sick or painful and not the WHY. this is a new revelation for me.
This changes everything really.because thinking of WHAT has made me painful or sick puts it all on the other person or thing but thinking of the WHY this makes me upset puts it on me and my inner child. I think I got that right.

Yes I need everyone to like me, Yes I have to do it all and be it all and my marriage has to be perfect, I realize that all this is impossible. I realize that God excepts me with my imperfections, forgives me and loves me. Yet................................

I will be thinking of the WHY

 

What a fantastic thread! Thanks Steve. It really helps. I especially like this part:

"People need to be looking at WHY they are angry, not at WHAT has made them angry. We are enraged because we feel rejected. Our deepest need is to be connected, loved-unconditionally, safe, secure, needed, etc. All the comfy things a child needs in the womb. So when you look for causes of anger don't just focus on events, or situations. Look deeper into why your personality needs so much, why it gets anxious, has a quick temper, needs to be perfect, accepted, etc."

Yes, yes, the why...which ties in directly with how one is actually feeling. The events and situations are what we think about but the whys are how we are actually feeling about them and that is what is potentially so scary and painful. The divorce is unfair, I have been betrayed, my family is splitting apart etc. etc doesn't mean much of anything until we get down to the next layer... I feel abandoned, unlovable, terrified I won't be able to provide for my children...now that is something to really run from. Who wants to think about that? Feeling it makes it real and that might just be the end of us. But actually it is the beginning. Learning how to experience and survive these painful emotions is what makes us whole again, living, vibrant, joyful beings.

And Honeybear I very much relate to what you wrote:

"The tricky part for me is learning to accept myself in spite of knowing that my "personality needs so much, gets anxious, has a quick temper, needs to be perfect, accepted, etc." It's hard for me to not feel flawed, since I have felt flawed all my life."

On the one hand we are driven to an incredible amount self examination, developing awareness of who we are and how we relate to the world and on the other hand needing to accept ourselves as we are.

I have been working on self love and acceptance most of my life. My inability to be kind and accept myself felt so engrained that at times I thought it must be genetic. But babies have no trouble accepting love. I was worried my children might model after me and not feel good about themselves and so I sent them to an expensive, hippy private school with the stated priority of helping children feel good about themselves. No matter what the child did, it was always mirrored back to them that they were OK. One day the school called me to pick up my seven year old son who was vigorously defending a pile of recycling material with rocks in the corner of the school from his classmates. A teacher had to carry him to my car as my son was screaming profanities. The whole time the teacher was saying to him in a very calm and reassuring voice "We love you and we'll see you tomorrow." Of course, I was thinking "Oh my God, what have I done and what am I going to do with this insane child?" Well, that insane child is now 14 years old attending public high school and he is the sweetest, happy and most loving young man. That school was nutty is a lot of ways, but it did create an environment where children were actively listened to, given lots of attention, and valued and loved for whoever they happened to be, even when they went off the deep end. A good foundation in unconditional love is invaluable because once in place, it acts as a shield, it protects you from turning on yourself, continuously searching for the reason you don't quite feel safe or right in the world. "If only I could fix it, have everyone like me, make it better, help them get along, take care of everything, then maybe I might feel good enough to deserve the things I need." Maybe I just never had a chance to relax and feel safe. If it feels foreign to feel secure and deserving of love, I am not the one to blame. It is not who I am, it is only who I have become. No one had to teach me how to love my children. I am a huge chicken and yet I would jump in front of a truck for them without hesitation or question. We should not have to learn and struggle with loving and accepting ourselves, we should simply adopt ourselves as worthy of love. Why not? We have everything to gain and nothing to loose.

 

The idea is that between what you truly feel, and truly want, is a massive wall of repression. It's so thick that it numbs us to our feelings, and emotions. Of course your mother's death or lost job is part of your TMS, but why? Why do people fear failure, or rejection? And just as important, how do you feel? TMS is there to keep you from feeling the brunt of the force of the emotions. So looking at how you feel, and why you feel that way, has been a better method than running through events, although it's good to know which events are the triggers, as well.

In the end, it will come down to meaning. What does your life stand for? What value are you adding to those around you. When deeper purpose replaces body-obsession the pain fades. Almost everyone that contacts me is in limbo, not sure what direction to take, in freeze-mode. Most of it is mid-life stuff as life passes too quickly, spinning people in circles, lost in meaninglessness.

When I first began healing I didn't understand why the mindbody gurus were giving affirmations like, "I'm worthy, I am loved..." I thought it should be "My body is ok, I'm healthy...etc." But now I see why they focused in on the self-worth traits. Those are the "Whys." Why do we need praised? Why do we need others to make us feel better about ourselves? It's a cultural thing, and begins with family. Brene Brown has it figured out nicely. People who are happiest are the ones who don't fear vulnerability. They're open, not afraid to make mistakes and to show shame, or weakness.

You don't need someone else to tell you that you're good.

Steve

 

Steve, your post this morning made me wanna shout! I told my husband, "You need to hear this!" (He doesn't have TMS....not physically anyway. Anxiety is his challenge.) So he stopped what he was doing and I read your wise words aloud and we discussed them.

I especially love that you mentioned Brene Brown. I am a HUGE fan of hers and recommend her latest book and TED talk to anyone who will listen. It's powerful stuff.

Thanks for sending me off with some wonderful food for thought while I enjoy my pain-free walk this morning.

 

Steve, you got it. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm a great guy.
My dog Annie tells me that all the time with her loving eyes.
I don't even have a chew bone in my hand.