TMS Road To Recovery

I've been reading up on TMS and Alan Gordon's methods for a couple months now but never really felt the courage to post about myself for whatever reason. I guess I'm just looking for confirmation that I've come to the right place for help.

Long story short I'm a 43 year old male that has been dealing with "health" issues for about two years now. Right after or really during Covid I started to develop some weird pelvic floor pains and urinary frequency issues that I had never dealt with before. To frame up myself in a nutshell I've been an obsessive thinker, high anxiety, perfectionist, people pleaser my entire life. I've had high anxiety and obsessive thinking for most of my adult live which has led to being a hypochondriac from time to time. I've been convinced over the past twenty years that I have had or will develop some catastrophic disease that will shorten my life. In the past two years I've been to my GP, urologist, GI and lower back specialist in hopes they would find what is causing me pain in my pelvic floor and lower back. Every single time and every single test I've had comes back negative. Based on my annual blood work I couldn't be healthier for my age. The only thing I had caused, likely through straining to remove discomfort, was I developed an external hemorrhoid. Before this all popped up I was very active athletically and would exercise almost daily. Since that time I've barely done much outside of walking for fear I might due further damage. I became so obsessed with how often I needed to go to the bathroom and every single small sensation I had in my pelvic floor area. Again at numerous times I was convinced it was some form of cancer or terrible disease.

During all of this I want to also include that I am happily married with two awesome kids and have a very successful full time job. My hobbies for the previous decade or so have consisted almost entirely of coaching my kids athletic teams. I do this tirelessly and feel like I've gotten to the point where I am no longer enjoying it because of the anxiety I'm about to explain.

As of about three months I felt like I was breaking through the fog by using a combination of several very helpful books including this program. Almost immediately I started developing very weird symptoms that I can only describe as brain fog, dizziness, minor neck pain, lower back pain, eye strain and blurred vision. It started slow and has intensified over the past month or so. I again went for a check up with my GP and she confirmed what I already knew that I was perfectly healthy. I am 95% convinced it's my mind and all the things that go along with TMS because it definitely bounces around and can change from day to day. I thought it was a reaction from a supplement I was taking a couple weeks ago and had myself convinced it was and the symptoms seemed to fade for about a week only to return last week.

So to summarize I guess I'm just looking for feedback that I'm on the right track with this. I wake up every morning and the first thing that I can think of is I wonder how I'll feel today. I'm going to really focus hard on the steps presented by Alan Gordon and start with the acceptance phase, which I really struggle with. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

 

Hi @Xpeed2644
You are indeed on the right track. The “extra” symptoms you describe are things I went through at my highest anxiety and panic. They did not subside at first, and some changed.. the brain will try ANYTHING to convince you that your emotions are not the real issue and that fear and anxiety are preferential and protective. But, obviously that’s not working for you. “Happily Married”, two kids (and all that coaching). Resentment = anger.. all places I would work with. Being willing to have multiple emotions at once and understand it’s normal (loving someone while being frustrated by “x” about them), feeling overextended yet loving your kids.. all normal. Recognizing you may need to change some parts of your life to provide time for self care can be hard but worth it. Can you find time, space and place for self-care and to work on your tms in a place you feel unrestricted? Would you be ok with letting some of your current responsibilities go to someone else by realizing that being well does more for those you love than the “things” you currently do? Find fun with the family instead of what you view as responsibility. Sounds like you are already understanding this part of it.

 

@Cactusflower

Thanks so much for your response. It's so interesting to me that the amount of time I spend coaching is generally what most professionals have focused on for me. I've gotten to the point where both of my kids are nearing a time when I won't be able to coach anymore so I keep telling myself "You're almost there just push through." I'm currently coaching three different basketball teams comprised of over 30 different kids. From the outside it looks insane but it's what I've always done (Control Freak =). I've really focused hard on making time for myself. I've gotten back to exercising recently and try to meditate or at least do some deep breathing daily to calm the anxiety. I've gotten to the point now where I feel anxious and stressed about almost any little thing I have to do in a day (practices, games, work, travel) which sucks the joy out of everything. I've been telling myself that if I can just get rid of a couple symptoms everything would be good without realizing how much stress, fear and anxiety that idea of feeling perfect or 100% is both unattainable in reality and destructive. I'm starting down the path of not trying to fix anything and just loving myself for who I am. I recognize it's probably going to be a long journey with a lot of setbacks but I'm hoping I can manage them through the use of the "tools" I've gathered from professionals, literature and forums like this one. Thanks again for the response!

 

@JanAtheCPA

Wow I'm totally blown away by the level of detail you provide above to a total stranger. Is there a link to the free programs for figuring out the source of my personality traits or is this something I could discuss and work on with my therapist? I've read a lot about possible repressed emotions from childhood trauma but I honestly don't recall any trauma from that time of my life however I think it would be illuminating to figure out why I am the way I am =)

I will definitely look into the Self Compassion side of things as I've never really explored that and I'm actively reading through and attempting Alan Gordon's Recovery Program.

I fully recognize from a distance the goodism and perfectionism traits I have but have an incredibly difficult time saying no to things that I think will help other's, hence the crazy coaching. It's taking me quite awhile to even wrap my head around the fact that how I'm feeling day to day isn't related to my physical health as I've lived my entire life with this cause and effect opinion of things. When something feels off there has to be a physical reason for it. I'm now finally starting to understand how deep the rabbit hole of my mind goes and I really can't waste anymore time and energy searching for something that doesn't exist.

Thanks again for your response!

 

@Xpeed2644
Hi
I came across posts that were listed in the ‘best post’. Name is Tattvamasi
If you search this name by member he has amazing write ups, it was back in 2017 but I still read them.
Miffybunny is also very good post to read on this TMSwiki

 

Just wanted to check back in and maybe get some feedback. I never realized how hard it would be to accept TMS and move forward with the process. I find myself doing really well for a couple days at a time and then an episode sends me back to square one. I'm assuming this is the case with almost everyone dealing with this. I'm at a time in my life where I can't up and quit what I'm doing to create some balance for myself so it's hard to stay on track when the inner stress and anxiety surfaces during events like games or practices. I started the journaling process and will keep pushing forward with that and the somatic tracking/cognitive soothing. It's so crazy as it seems like the process would be really simple but I get pulled back in so easily and get back on the path of catastrophizing about the future. I guess I'm just looking for a little pep talk from some of you who have been through the process!! Thanks as always.

 

Recovery is never linear. Ups and downs are normal. Don't let the flare-ups throw you into a tailspin. As you progress with your program, good days will become longer and more frequent, but there will be bad days for a while. It is ok and normal, as letting go of fears is never easy.

 

@JanAtheCPA @Cactusflower

I've read some of your other posts and noticed you both also went through some symptoms of brain fog, eye strain, focus issues, etc. I was curious if you could describe what you went through and how you handled it?

Mine is a very weird fogginess almost like I've had a drink but I haven't. I have no cognitive issues or balance issue but I do feel pressure behind my eyes and when I go from looking at my phone to up sometimes it's blurry for a second. I also get extremely lightheaded and fatigued after coaching. I know that's the stress and anxiety of the game and moment. My blood pressure is perfect based on my last check up. Could it be just a lack of oxygen getting to the brain like other types of pain with TMS? Any suggestions on what helped you minimize your symptoms until you got them under control? Thanks

 

@JanAtheCPA

I'm about 55 pages into Claire Weekes and can say it's eye opening. Thanks for the recommendation!

 

@JanAtheCPA

Thank you so much for that post above. It really meshes perfectly with the Claire Weekes stuff. I recognize that the fear has always been driving the car for me and that I just need to lean into it an let it pass without thought. Practice makes perfect!