TMS vs. me—symptoms going crazy—could use a little reassurance

I’ve been doing more. Dishes every day. Walking in living room. Standing up a lot. I’ve been picturing leaving the house on various field trips. Tomorrow morning, come hell or high water, I’m going to get a pumpkin from the open market.

I’ve also started matching my behavior to my feelings. It’s happening on its own. I’ve surprised myself. Stuff I would never say before. I’m just blurting it out. Like “ your mother-in-law is a nightmare,” to my son when he complained about her. Usually I don’t say anything. But, she IS a nightmare! And she’s killing him! I hate watching it. I know the right thing to do is stay out of his business. But when do my feelings count? I guess today.

My narcissistic sister texted me again. Touching base to see if the last 2 times I ignored her were an accident. Nope. Still out of my life. I was happy to see I had ZERO guilt about that. It’s insanely freeing.

Meditation is going great! I’m getting down in the groove again.

BUT— my symptoms are insane. Turned up high!! Even some old ones from 40 years ago. IBS? Seriously? I laughed. But it’s hard to go up the stairs right now. And couldn’t sleep last night. My TMS is trying REALLY hard to get me to think maybe something is wrong. Maybe I’ll never get better. My legs and feet are super numb.

I know you can get into plateaus. And also extinction bursts. To be honest, I just want to be able to LEAVE the house, be COMFORTABLE using my props to help me get around, and happy. I want out of the house. I’m not content anymore. I want more.

You know, it’s funny. I have been doing my freelance writing with just my right hand and the thumb on my left (because of my cramped hands). I no longer think of how annoying this is. I just chug along. Happy to be working. That’s what I want everything to be like. I’ll deal with the cards I’ve been dealt. But don’t cage me anymore. And I’m the jail keeper.

 

You are doing it!
Did you read Ozanich’s book? Do you remember him going to the driving range daily, and afterwards having to lay on the hood of his car for an hour before he could get his body to drive home? Yep, that’s where you are at. Don’t take that *hit from anyone, even your own brain, girl!
Now you can respond with the “I am just fine” with confidence knowing that the symptoms are only a kick back to you challenging your own mind’s constructs of safety.
Your brain has tried so hard to keep you at home and afraid to protect you, and here you dare suggest a trip?!
Do it!
No matter how you feel before, during or after, do it!
That is outcome independence.
Stand in confidence that you now understand how this TMS mechanism works and how you stop the cycle.
The way out is through it.
You have gotten through much much harder things than this and you have always come through!

 

I did read it. And I was blown away by his fortitude. He had it so bad and he fought on!

My mind has really tried to “keep me safe.” It’s about to lose its job!

You are SO right! How hard is getting a pumpkin?! I just love Claire Weekes! She is making me brave. “Don’t let your mind bluff you!” Thank you so much @Cactusflower ! You are saving my life. I mean that.

 

I DID IT!!!

I made it out. It was a huge hurdle!!!! But I made it. We
got the pumpkin. The air was cool and fresh. Everything was soooo beautiful to me—like seeing the world for the first time! Then we went and got some lunch and ate in the car.

This was a monumental step in my recovery because it was very physically and psychologically hard to get out. I’ve been housebound for months. It’s so weird how trapped you can feel. All the excuses that fill your head. Your body refusing to cooperate. Pain and confusion. Sorrow. Humiliation. These are all barriers to be overcome. Just plain BELIEVING in a future is actually a challenge. You get so beaten down you stop dreaming. But this time I refused to back down. I battled through it. I battled through chickening out for the millionth time. I battled through my doubts and my body literally freezing up and cramping in pain.

I’m super happy! Thanks so much all of you who have inspired me and advised me for months. You are the reason I’m getting better!! Love you! <3

 

HURRAY!!
I am so happy for you!

 

That's what eventually happened to me too. I think it's because your brain is feeling safer for you to be, and express, the real you. All the steps you have taken and are continuing to take are working to stop your brain from pushing down the real Diana as much as it once was doing. For donkey's years I wasn't the real me and, of course, we pay for that big time.

Congratulations - you got the pumpkin AND ate lunch in the car - wonderful progress! Gotta join in the celebratory dance with you...

 

Oh, we certainly do!

Haha!!! Thank you @BloodMoon! You have been a tremendous support!

 

I thought I was going nuts when my pain and symptoms increased when I started facing my fears and challenging thoughts. My brain was furious with me. I started having symptoms from when I was a child! Those were extinction bursts for sure and they literally feel like you’re losing your mind LOL

Keep going and through it. This is how it’s done! <3 You should be proud of yourself!

I’m so happy for you!

 

Thank you so so much! You are my inspiration! <3