Total Meltdown

I arrived home from a 2 week tour last night and promptly had a total meltdown this morning. We're talking throwing stuff, breaking dishes, yelling at the top of my lungs and crying. I live with my guitar player, another 33 year old professional musician, a 22 year old girl, my guitar player's mom, 5 cats and 2 dogs. On top of that, there are the random party kids that come over at 2am and sleep on the couch or floor. I absolutely HATE it here. It's obviously a big source of anger for me. In fact, my TMS pain didn't start until about 6 months after moving in here. It's cluttered, disorganized and full of pet hair. It reminds me of the house I grew up in, which I also hated. On top of that, my car, computer and phone all need to be repaired or replaced. I hate it here. I can't accomplish anything because nothing works. I can't leave because my car might not make it as far as I need to go. I had to walk to the store to pay way too much for a iPhone charger just to make this post because my phone is old and didn't like any of the 3 chargers I already own. I don't have enough money to get things fixed because I play in a band that tours constantly and often doesn't make very much money. I've started taking side gigs doing things besides playing drums (which also angers me a lot) to build up my finances to fix these things and move into a new place, but it will be months before that is possible. Nothing works right here, I'm always having to find a work around just to accomplish the simplist of tasks. I absolutely hate it here. I need my own space where I can be in control. I spent my whole childhood living in a cluttered, disorganized, enabling household and it's very important to me to NOT live in that kind of environment as an adult. I like cleanliness, organization, responsibility...none of which is prevelent here. Every second here is full of anger and rage. I absolutely fucking hate it here.

 

Hi, BamBam. I'm sorry that you had such a bad homecoming, but it is understandable. You were on the road, away from your roommates and the pets and the party kids. That is not a very relaxing living environment. Especially since it reminds you of the house you grew up in.

I suggest you look into the possibility of finding someone who needs a roommate, for an apartment or house. Look for ads in local newspapers, online, or maybe call a senior center or church and ask if anyone needs a live-in person to help them.

You need a change of address, that's for sure.

 

That sounds horrible, BamBam. I can totally understand that you would go out of your mind in a place like that. I'm hoping that you can come to some sort of acceptance that this is where you are now, it won't be forever, you don't have to like it, you just have to get through it. Be strong and focus on each step you're able to take that will lead you to a better situation.

 

Thanks everyone. I guess I've never really admitted or talked about how angry my living situation makes me. I've also never explored why I feel so angry about it. Obviously it stirs unhappy memories about my childhood and I guess that's a good thing because I can connect with those feelings now instead of pushing them down. I think the other half of why I feel so angry is because of all the obligations that come with being home. Bills, repairs, money, practice etc... are all things I don't really have to worry about on the road. On tour all I have to worry about is being in the van on time and playing a show. Lodging and food is (usually) taken care of. I think I also feel a little demasculated living at my friend's mom's house at age 34. My negative inner self talk pressures, criticizes and scares my inner child -" You need to practice. You need to find a new place to live. You'll never find a new place to live because you can't afford it. You're gonna be stuck here forever. You need to get your car fixed. You need to get a day job to be able to afford these things. You're a loser for living here". I've been writing all day, trying to focus on the emotions instead of getting distracted by the returning pain. The last 2 weeks of no pain just reinforce the TMS diagnosis even more. I know this pain is emotional and not structural. I'm ready to feel these emotions and let them go. I keep reassuring my inner child that he is safe and loved. It's ok. I am safe and I am relaxed.

 

Just reading your post made me serious consider,"throwing stuff, breaking dishes, yelling at the top of my lungs and crying."

It is a horrible situation but if you keep saying to yourself that somehow it will lead to something good and look for a way out, it might make days go by a little easier. BTW, my nephew plays guitar and drums.

Hang in there,

 

Hi BamBam,
What struck me is the growing awareness of what does not work in your life, and the emergence of the impulse to have a different life. To me this is an "impulse to individuate" even from the inner parts that are constantly expecting and nagging you. The inner and outer environment are becoming intolerable for you. This is an awakening, and, if I'm understanding this correctly, it is a natural part of the TMS growth process for many people.
Andy B.

 

Hi BamBam,

I'm late joining this post and your story was difficult to read. I'm sorry you are struggling.

I'd like to add, before you can over come TMS, you may wish to explore i) changing your relationship to your surrounds and how you react or ii) changing your environment.

Now you've identified the cause and journalled about it etc. I regret to say no amount of journalling, eft, self talk etc will be beneficial if you are still in an environment which makes you feel as if you are under constant threat.

I'd like to suggest the following;

A) incorporate mindfulness meditation into your life, learn to bring your thoughts onto awareness without passing judgement. This creating a safe space between you and your emotions. The more often you do this the better you will become at quietening the mind and being present - not reacting to fear, anger, worry etc

Whilst I can appreciate that these thoughts are formed from our childhood, it's enough to make the connection to the past and move on. From personal experience, I feel repeatedly exploring old emotions doesn't allow one to move on and it can anger the inner child and increase the pain.

B) Once you've quietened the mind and reduced the inner chatter, you will be in a place where you can make sound judgements regarding your living arrangements, future etc.

I know your situation is far from ideal, but sometimes when we don't let anger, fear etc cloud our judgement, we can make positive, lasting decisions which can ultimately change our physiology and well being.

 

So does that mean that while my living situation isn't ideal, it's my reaction to my living situation that actually causes the TMS symptoms?

 

I don't want to offend you, so I'm sorry if my reply came across as unthoughtful, it was not my intention.

Yes that's correct, it's not just our reactions to environment, but also our interactions with people that fuel TMS.

If you can learn to quieten your mind and weather the storm so to speak, your emotions won't have such a hold. Furthermore, you will be able to focuss on healing and how you can turn your situation around.

 

No offense taken. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

 

I guess this also brings up another question- what's the best way to connect with emotions? My method thus far has been to write or acknowledge how I'm feeling- ie "I feel very angry right now because_______." I then usually try to talk to my inner child and reassure him that it's ok to feel these feelings and that he is safe. I should also mention that I smoke a lot of marijuana and I sometimes wonder if that affects my TMS symptoms.

 

Hi BamBam,

Journaling is a great way to explore your emotions. But try and avoid writing about the same subject over and again, explore it once and fully. If you keep writing about it, it means it's still an active problem in the now, when in fact it may have happened years ago. The key is to visit the issue, identify any patterns and to forgive yourself and let go. Show your inner child the compassion and love he deserves. I always follow up my journalling exercise with a forgiveness statement.

In addition to the above, take time out to practice mindfulness meditation and learn about being mindful in your day to day life.

I'd definitely avoid the use of marijuana, where meditation allows you to conciously be aware of your emotions without passing judgement, marijuana can in fact suppress ones emotions. I also read that it's been linked to other disorders such as schizophrenia.

 

Mindfulness meditation would just be paying attention to the thoughts and feelings I have, correct?

 

Sorry, you've lost me, the rho?

 

You said

You said "...take time out to practice mindfulness meditation..." and I'm looking for clarification on what mindfulness meditation is vs regular meditation.

 

Yes, Mindfulness meditation is about paying attention to, being aware and not reacting or passing judgement. This also extends to being mindful throughout your day, being aware of any negative or obsessive thinking and not reacting to it.

 

All this pain stuff did start when I quit drinking for a couple months. Six months prior I went thru a horrible breakup with a girl that I thought was the love of my life, prompting me to move into my guitar player's mom's house. Shortly after that my grandfather died. I think the combination of the breakup, the death and the new (less than ideal) living situation was too much to handle. As soon as I took alcohol out of the mix, I think my mind converted the emotional pain to TMS. At this point I don't do any substances besides pot, but I have become aware that it too can be an emotional suppressant. I really do love it though, it's always been the one substance I've never wanted to give up. Quitting cigarettes and alcohol or cocaine is no problem, but weed will be difficult.

 

Normal meditation could be various other breathing exercises such as deep breathing, alternate nostril breathing etc, Mindfulness meditation is more focused on thoughts and not reacting to these.