Update: progress, challenges, vagus nerve, and immune system

Hello, all. Though I've lurked a bit, I haven't posted on this forum for a while. Until recently I was doing pretty well, and I was trying to deprive my TMS tendencies of oxygen by ignoring them as much as possible. I didn't and don't want to wallow in my symptoms. I wanted to live my life, and also, my life got busier. I was trying to get on with things.

I was feeling pretty optimistic, but now I find myself struggling again. I almost wanted to copy the thread title someone else used on this subforum: "I was doing so well, but then . . . ."

A little recap. I discovered (or possibly rediscovered) Sarno, TMS and this forum this past summer. My main symptom was back pain, which I've dealt with since I was 16 (I'm 58 now). But there are a host of other symptoms, which have increased in severity in recent years. By last summer I had come to the conclusion that it was all related, and that it was all ultimately psychological in origin. In July, I had the classic Sarno "switch flip": I decided that the only one who could eliminate my back pain was me, that I was in control of it, and that I needed to stop allowing myself to feel like some kind of victim. I read a couple of Sarno's books, which added to my sense of confidence. By late summer, I was brimming with a fair amount of optimism, was playing a bunch of tennis . . . and experiencing little to no back pain. It did feel kind of miraculous.

But the other symptoms. The most significant are the GI ones, which in recent years increasingly accompanied my back pain. The two things seemed to go hand in hand. As my back problems lessened, the GI problems did, too, but they didn't completely disappear. A lot of it seems like classic IBS-type stuff, including a clenching sensation in the gut and a tendency toward constipation that goes back to my childhood. I had come to realize that all of the GI stuff could basically be explained by the nervous control of the GI system. In fact, I think I can often actually feel the nervous tension, from the lower gut right up to my throat.

I also experience a number of other symptoms on and off, including heart pounding, irregular urination patterns, muscle aches, mental and physical sluggishness, and, most distressingly, fatigue. From my fairly cursory research, these symptoms all seem to cluster around the vagus nerve, which makes a lot of sense to me. The vagus nerve controls digestion and other autonomic processes, and is strongly affected by stress and anxiety. It seems clearly to be involved in my case.

Anyway, I was managing everything okay, but one of the features of my version of TMS is what I call my "cycle." I have times when I feel really quite good, but they don't last, and then I start transitioning back into symptoms. When I was younger, the cycles seemed to move more quickly, and I had certain "hacks" that I could used to trigger my body to get back "into the flow," such as exercise, substances (caffeine, alcohol, nicotine), and even sex. The language of flow has become important to me, because that is exactly what is missing when my symptoms are bad: nothing flows. I feel vaguely immobilized in every part of my being (which fits with the "Dorsal Vagal Shutdown" idea from Polyvagal theory, which, yes, I realize is controversial). In recent years, I've felt like I'm in the bad part of the cycle well more than half of the time. It's very frustrating to feel like you have to sit and wait for the wheel to turn, not knowing when it will do so.

One more factor: sickness. The clearest trigger for bringing on my symptoms is getting sick. And when I get sick, it takes FOREVER to get better. What should probably be just a cold really knocks me out and basically turns me into a useless potato, which is how I feel today. It makes me wonder whether my immune system is weak, or whether the problem is the opposite, that my immune system overreacts to small stressors.

I know that the key to all this in the TMS worldview is to "think psychologically." I think I'm pretty aware of the negative psychological forces acting on me from my personal and familial emotional history. I certainly have my share of bad stuff, but I don't think its off the charts. I dunno. Maybe there are foundational things in my psyche that I have yet to deal with. But I rather doubt it. Still, knowing what causes you anxiety, fear, frustration and anger (all of which I have in abundance) is not the same as coping with those forces in the soul, much less eliminating them.

I'm going to be honest here. I have done yoga and meditated. I love walks in the woods. I try to calm myself with deep breathing. But the cycle comes when it wants, regardless of what I do. It has a mind of its own. It wants to hold me captive, and I don't feel like I have a say in the matter,

Is what I'm going through right now perhaps a near-extinction event? Was the back the easy part and now the other things just require patience and resolve to eliminate? It's a hopeful thought. My hope is dwindling. Today was the second time in a month that I couldn't manage to drag myself to work. My quality of life, honestly, is crap. I have so many things I want to do, and no energy to do them. The world is crowding in on me, and I don't know where to turn. I want to believe that the principles that I discovered last summer are true, that the remarkable change that I experienced wasn't some kind of fluke. But I've had this cold thing for weeks now and haven't had a proper bowel movement in I don't know how long. Everything is off. Frankly, I need a reason to believe it can get better.

If anyone knows anything about a connection between TMS/MBS and Dorsal Vagal Shutdown, I would be very interested.

Thank you all. You have been a tremendous source of support for me on my journey. There are many wise people on this forum, and maybe somebody on here can help me figure out what to do to get through my current difficulty.

Thanks for listening. I know this was long.

 

Part of TMS work is learning to be ok with being uncomfortable: meaning that nobody is always up.
Which leads me to your “cycles”. Let go of all that. You have created ideas about the “cycles” and your brain hang on t this “something is wrong” idea, expectations arise about symptoms “oh no! Here they come!” I did the same thing for years before learning about TMS. All that really is, is anxiety.
I also recommend you stop worrying too much about this virus going around. It’s probably RSV or the flu, and I have it. When major symptoms are over exhaustion and some digestive issues seem to linger and there are days I can’t concentrate in the afternoon. You will heal, your body know what to do.
Have you tried reading Claire Weekes? She is excellent in her advice for dealing with any kind of anxiety.
Lastly, you speak of emotions. Do you tend to cling onto things like anger or resentment, or can you let them go once you notice them. This doesn’t always mean forgiveness, it really means is it worth it to simmer and stew and tie yourself into knots or is it in your best interest to just feel the emotion and put the thoughts surrounding it aside?
I think you are simply stuck and therefore frustrated ( am I right?) some people deal with plateaus. Frustration is gonna kick up the nervous system (anger), and there can be a lot of self pressure to move out of a phase. I found doing stuff I enjoy, helped immensely moving out of plateaus. It’s balm for the mindset and emotions.

Lastly, if you are constipated or sick, take care of your body. Do what is needed! That is part of the whole idea of kindness to self.

 

Thanks for your input, @Cactusflower. Being okay with being uncomfortable sounds right. I sometimes get the idea from mind-body theory that the problem arises because the mind magnifies small things that are going on in the body and essentially blows them out of proportion. I read on a post on this forum somewhere that TMS acts like a kind of volume knob on pain and discomfort. I always thought that made a lot of sense.

 

It’s your anxiety that magnifies it. But what does it matter? If you attend to, worry, freak-out, ruminate on it etc it is gonna kick your nervous system into high gear, constantly looking to see if all is not perfect. We were not created to be anesthetized robots - we feel, we sense stuff. It’s normal.