Where were you a year ago?

A year ago I was in the darkest moment of my life. I couldn’t open my mouth more than one finger width, I couldn’t barely speak, and the words that would come out were slurred and I had a strong lisp. The foods that I could get into my mouth caused severe GI pain, I was terrified of eating. I went from 220lbs to 170lbs and I’m around 2m/6’7”! My scrotum was on fire and I thought my decision to get a vasectomy would be my complete and utter downfall. I was unemployed, isolated, essentially housebound. I was suicidal. I was so unbelievably cruel to myself. I yearned and wished and pleaded and prayed to go back to a past that I glorified, a past that led me to all this. My heart breaks for who I was then. I wish I could hug them.

……

Today I think I’m the happiest I’ve been in my entire life (not saying much but a wins a win!). I have the most mental clarity, the most hope. I have no scrotal pain, what GI pain remains is infrequent and manageable, my diet is wide and varied, I’ve even being trying some new vegan restaurants (I was terrified of eating outside of my home). All my other symptoms (probably 20-30 total) are either gone or steadily decreasing. I can talk again, yes my jaw still bugs me, yes there’s still pain and I even sometimes catastrophize over it, but I snap out so quickly. And I know Even if there is something physically wrong with my jaw (my mouth is WONKY!) I know my brain is powerful and can turn off the pain, I’ve had significant moments where I’ve forgotten about it, usually while laughing amongst friends or coworkers.. I’m ready to start dating again. I’m vulnerable with people, moreso than I’ve ever been. I told a room full of 25 strangers during a book club thing a brief synopsis of what my year has been. I haven’t picked my skin (dermatillomania) in 4 weeks, it’s something I’ve done consistently since 1st grade, so almost 26 years!! I’m working again (30 hours a week), and actually am finding joy in my work again. I have a dog training side business. I believe in a higher power, as a lifelong atheist this is such a win, I needed a counterbalance to my nihilism. I believe even the most irredeemable will find redemption. I believe that all animals (us too!) who are tortured and suffering here will eventually find peace in the next life. I believe that my future ( whether on this planet or elsewhere) will be full of health, and friendship and laughter. I have forgiven others for their mistreatment of me, and I forgive myself for the wrongs I’ve done.


things I thought were gone forever
-certain underwear
-biking
-swimming (last week I actually just crushed all my old times from when I was on the high school swim team)
-working
-socializing
-push ups
-volleyball
-yoga
-SO MANY FOODS
-friends
-joy
-more than an hour of sleep a night
-yawning with my mouth open
-not being afraid to sneeze
-so many other things


my journey is not over. I have a lot of things I want to work on and improve, things that I know are contributing to my symptoms, but my progress is undeniable. I am grateful to this forum, and to all the kind people here and elsewhere who have lent me an ear and their strength. I am praying for all our success and health and happiness.

To those struggling today, how are you different from a year ago?

 

Damn, it sounds like you've been through it! Thank you for sharing this; it's reminding me to look at the bigger picture (and to stop yearning for my old life, dammit!). It stands out to me that a lot of things have come together around purpose and meaning and connection in your life. I've found the more I can focus on that, the better I feel (and a reduction in symptoms tends to follow). It can be really hard though not to hold tightly to a shred of progress and wind up freaking out and catastrophizing again.

I was going to say, I can't answer this question because my symptoms started less than a year ago. BUT! Now I'm thinking back anyway, and you know what? A year ago I was lonely, depressed, fairly isolated—I had, and have friends but was living in a new city and hadn't really deepened any of those relationships much. I was completely directionless in life and under a ton of pressure from myself to achieve things I didn't even want anymore. I was terrified of being a failure, and terrified that I would never experience happiness again in the way I had when I was younger. I was scared my relationship was going to fall apart. I was obsessed with making everyone like me, and had had a few difficult experiences lately where I felt I'd been in the wrong, and was feeling a lot of shame and misdirected anger. I had been in therapy for a while, but I think mostly it had just caused me to repress the anger I had been carrying around since childhood, from my parents' divorce, from bullying in middle school, competition in high school, etc. etc.

In other words, it's no wonder that I developed TMS symptoms, even if they started with a clear injury-driven onset.

Now I still feel I have a ways to go (I've had moments where I thought I was almost recovered, but after some flares lately I feel I maybe have some deeper work to do), but I'm starting to see a blurry picture of who I could become, and I think I like where this is going. The idea that I might always have symptoms still scares me, but I'm trying to remember the only way that'll happen is if I don't continue with what I'm doing already; if I keep going, I'm sure to get there. And "there" doesn't mean just no symptoms, it means a version of myself I like better, or simply actually like in the first place. It feels like the broader project of my twenties was learning to hate myself, frankly. Now that I'm almost 30, it's about time I started to unlearn that and replace it with something better.

Also:

It's very encouraging to read this at this particular moment for me, haha. This is the last physical concession I was making to my pain: wearing different underwear that at one point I thought were "safer" or more protective. I'm finally doing away with those and oh man is it challenging my brain, which seems to be going into fear mode 24/7 at the moment because it thinks some catastrophe is going to happen if the fabric on my underwear is slightly less stretchy. It is so ridiculous, and yet I understand why it's happening because if I can get through this, I'll no longer be bowing to the pain in any way, so it makes sense that the brain would want to hold on to it very, very tightly.

 

Congratulations. You deserve everything that is happening in your life right now. You should be very proud of yourself and the great progress you’ve made.
The fact that you can now enjoy so many things that you couldn’t do a year ago means that what you have left to overcome is a piece of cake. Take it for granted that your full recovery is undeniable.
Your post really touched me deeply. It honestly made me cry. I’m so happy for you. You give me a lot of hope.
When I read your post, I remembered myself a few months ago. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t improved at all, but in reality I really have. Maybe not as much as I would like, because the pain is still there, but now I can do many more things.
I’ve also overcome my fears to the point that I can function as well as possible. I know it’s just a matter of time and keeping a strong mindset.
I hope to reach that point too—the point where I can start enjoying things more. It’s still hard for me.
What great news. Congratulations again, and enjoy all the progress you’ve made—it’s the result of your great effort.

 

Aw, thanks for the sweet comment Cafe! We sound so similar! We really needed this wake up call! A Hail Mary from our higher selves is how I like to think of it. Unfortunate but needed.

yes the underwear thing was was funny and sad and tragic and scary all wrapped together. They’re all just conditioned responses. I made such a mess out of my vasectomy recovery, my brain latched onto to so many things as being threatening. Poor brain, I don’t blame you for not trusting me! It definitely took some time, especially bc it was so easy to just switch to a more comfy underwear and avoid the uncomfortable ones but that just made it worse because eventually all became uncomfortable! Only way out is through!

I believe in you my friend, if you’re ever feeling alone shoot me a pm!

 

Gracias mi Amiga!

You will reach it! You’re here, you’re trying, you believe in yourself more and more, I see it in your posts, the changes happening. That’s self compassion, the core tenet of this recovery process. I still have low moments but I know I’m trending up. We will get through this.

I appreciate your kind words.