Bookmark

Hi everyone. It's been almost two months since I initially made this post, and a little over a month since I got past my suffering. Yes, that's right, I am no longer suffering from TMS!

Murmer, and others, I hope that my update can help you, because I know that I certainly clung to hearing people's recovery stories when I was at my darkest. As I have mentioned in other posts, this last round of TMS, which began back in July, was actually my second battle that I was aware was TMS. I certainly had other battles prior to even knowing what TMS was. This time, knowing it was TMS, was actually harder for me. Instead of battling some unknown physical condition, like I did in the past, I was battling my own brain, and I felt helpless, I felt betrayed. When this recurrence began, I felt like a victim to my own brain. I felt helpless and frustrated and I saw no end in sight. I fought my brain SO hard. I pored over TMS books, I tried every relaxation tip I could find, I spent hours on this board. I yelled at my brain, I spoke gently to my inner child, I analyzed my every childhood experience and current emotion. I tried my hardest to do everything I could to fight TMS. And then I realized that was the problem.

How did I finally get past it after over three months of battling pain, sleeplessness, helplessness, and anxiety? For me, I think the answer is three-fold. First, I did start going back to the counselor that I saw previously for anxiety issues (she is not a TMS therapist and actually isn't familiar with TMS, but does embrace the mind/body effect). However, I have to honestly say, even though I am still seeing her occasionally, that I don't think that was the true key to getting past my TMS. I think it has helped me a little to just get my emotions out, but I think it was probably the least of the three things that I did. I still to this day have not found the "smoking gun" traumatic experience or event that causes my TMS. For me (and everyone is clearly different) I believe that my TMS is caused more by my personality traits. (Which, yes, were developed as a result of many childhood and lifetime experiences. I just want to make a note that I think too many people read these boards and the books and get caught up in trying to figure out what that "thing" is that gave them TMS, and that can actually create even more stress and pressure. Sometimes it doesn't need to be specifically identified, as long as you are aware that there is something in you that is causing this pain distraction.) The second thing was that I listened to Sarno's Healing Back Pain on audiobook again. I had previously listened to it on a car trip at the beginning of my recurrence and I felt like it didn't help that time. Maybe it was the timing of the next time I listened, maybe my brain was just so exhausted, or maybe it was the fact that I put my ear buds in and really listened to it. I'm not sure. All I know is after the first hour of listening, I felt a little stronger and a little less like a victim. The third thing I did was start to read Dr. Claire Weekes Peace From Nervous Suffering. My dad gave it to me years ago and I never got into it because I had started reading it once and felt I couldn't relate to the emphasis on agoraphobia in it. However, I started reading it again and changed the words in my mind to "fear," "anxiety," and "pain." I read her four simple rules:

• Face; do not run away.
• Accept; do not fight.
• Float past; do not arrest and listen in.
• Let time pass; do not be impatient with time.

As I read these, I realized that I had done the exact opposite of all four of these rules throughout my recurrence battle. I didn't face it. I tried SO hard to run away and force it out of my brain and body. I didn't accept. I fought it tooth and nail and tried to control the pain and the fear. I didn't float past. I dwelled and stewed and feared. I didn't let time pass. I constantly focused on how long I had been in pain, thought about all the events it would affect, and worried that I was simply meant to be a lifelong TMS victim.

After I read these things and realized what I had been doing, I put these four reminders in my phone and looked at them every time I felt the fear start to overtake me, and I worked on putting these four rules into action. It didn't happen overnight, but it happened. The second thing that I found incredibly helpful in her book was her description of first fear and second fear. First fear is almost biological. It's our brain's instinctual reaction to things going on in and around the body. It's not necessarily something we can control. Second fear, however, is our reaction to first fear. I call it the "pile on effect." It's the "What if..." It's the "Oh no, that hurts, I wonder how long that's going to stick around." It's the, "Well if it hurts when I move this way, it will hurt when I move this way again." Once I recognized this, I started to react differently to the shooting pains, the inability to move certain ways, the fear of sleeping. I started to tell myself that just because I have this pain now, doesn't mean I will have it two hours from now. Just because I had pain while sleeping last night, doesn't mean I have to have it tonight. Slowly, sometimes very slowly, things started to improve. But it's important to note that the improvement began first in my emotional reaction and outlook before it improved physically- not the other way around. I began to realize that I didn't have to always feel 100% to be happy. Pain in our bodies is just sometimes there, and that is okay. That doesn't mean it will be there forever, and that doesn't mean I have to analyze it, and that doesn't mean I have to let it ruin my day.

I read on here that there are some people who will suffer off and on with TMS their whole life. I don't and can't think that way. I feel like that would be setting myself up for round after round of recurrence. Instead, I choose to focus on implementing the things I have learned throughout this journey so that I don't have to be a lifelong sufferer. I want to stay in the positive now that I've come out of the darkness. I hope this helps someone else who is suffering or feeling fearful. Please feel free to ask any questions.