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Hi All - Finally posting my healing journey. I hope it can help some of you. Apologies in advance for the rambling length of the post.

I started suffering leg pain in 2015. I started noticing a dull ache in my hamstring and I put it down to too much heavy deadlifting in the gym. Coincidently it occurred as I was about to leave the UK and move to New Zealand. I knew nothing about TMS at this stage. I carried on working out daily as the pain was not that bad and wasn't getting worse (or better). A few months into my new life in NZ, I decided to use a free physio consult to see if it would help to resolve the issue, I was convinced it was a slight hamstring tear. The physio sent me off with some advice but said it was nothing to worry about as I had full range of motion and strength. A few weeks later, I decided to see a second physio.

After a quick consultation, he informed me that in his option I had some disc bulges and should immediately stop all exercise, even pull-ups, push-ups etc. He referred me to a sports doctor who sent me for an MRI. Upon reviewing the imaging, I had two medium size disc bulges at l4/l5 and l5/s1. A further recommendation of complete avoidance of exercise and possible surgery with an expectation that it will get worse. Overwhelmed with fear I stopped all exercise aside from walking - I did not want to increase the chances of permanent damage by making it worse. Almost immediately the pain worsened significantly. it developed in full-blown sciatica of the worst possible kind. The burning nature of the pain became spectacular and I lost around 70% mobility and range of motion, I could not bend forward at all. I effectively became disabled and dark depression set in. Then the symptoms got really interesting, I developed pain in the middle of my back, (must be more discs slipping I thought) My right knee developed permanent pain, neck pain, pelvic pain, stomach pain, severe sciatica in both legs, foot pain, pain in both hands, skin itching, restless leg(s), loss of sense of smell, achne, vibrations, pinching, tingling and most disturbing, complete numbness/loss of feeling in my backside and feet.

My body was breaking apart and I was becoming a shell. From highly athletic to an old man in the space of months. My relationship suffered - I broke down in uncontrollable tears while driving with my girlfriend. I couldn't drive or sit for longer that one minute without unbearable pain. I avoided flights, my life was being limited beyond measure. My back was a fragile mess that was systematically breaking down and I was just hoping that I could avoid being in a wheelchair and losing bodily functions. The worse part was remembering how fit I used to be, to run, to lift, to be free. It was the darkest time of my life. Surgery became my only option.

I found the knowledge - healing back pain by John Sarno. I read it, and again, I learnt about the mind, the immense mystery of the mind, I absorbed all the information I could and I started to believe in TMS as a concept. I was the archetype. As I was beginning to convince myself I had TMS I developed the scariest symptom of all. I went for a workout at the gym and something felt odd in my back while lifting. I went home and rested. The next day I went out for a run and my left leg wouldn't take my weight, my calf was completely paralysed. I went back to the sports doctor. It was an emergency, permanent nerve damage, expect bladder and bowl failure and immediate surgery. At our darkest moments, we are tested. I read some quotes from Rumi that saved me, healed me, brought me back from the brink." the wound is where the light enters you" "the cure for your pain is your pain". I realised that you really do have to wait in the darkness to see the sunrise.

I told the doc that I was going to wait it out, give myself some time. He advised me to not exercise at all and the moment it gets worse I need to scheduled surgery immediately. It was the last time I ever saw him. I started exercising the next day, light jogging, playing 5 a side football (I was limping so bad and told everyone I had a hamstring problem). I got back into CrossFit, Olympic lifting et all. I lifted through pain, the searing burning sciatic nerve pain was extremely pissed off but I turned my anger on the pain even more. The truth was setting me free. Within a few months with a self-prescribed medication of heavy lifting, daily CrossFit and continuing to expand my mind - my calf fully healed, the pain went - slowly at first but then completely. The numbness was the last to go but it did go. I could bend forward and touch my toes, I could power clean 90kg. I attacked and I cured myself.

It came back, six months later (it will retest you). I was preparing to go back to the UK to be the best man at my mate's wedding. My Grandmother was also dying. I was travelling in Myanmar en-route back to the UK and found a gym to work out in. The next day my right calf (bizarre but true) was totally paralysed. Fear set in again but I quickly realised what my mind was up to - protecting me from emotional pain but providing physical pain. I laughed at it and attacked it with exercise - it quickly went away. If it was anything structural, it was impossible that it would get better with heavy lifting.

I have been pain-free for over a year now, I lift very heavy weights and train CrossFit daily, I put huge stress on my spine and its as strong as an ox. When I was under the illusion of believing it was a structural issue, I could not cough without doubling over in severe pain.

Throughout this journey I have realised that TMS is a cure and not a curse, it forces you to metamorphose into a higher state of consciousness, to shed an old worn out identity that no longer serves you. It breaks you down so you can be rebuilt.

I'm so grateful that Doctor Sarno brought this knowledge to the world also Steve Ozanich for his incredible work.

Thanks for reading and be strong.

J