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Very good stuff here!

I have become aware of my chronic negative thought patterns BIG TIME. Now that I'm locked down in my house alone with pretty much no distractions, I've observed that my internal reaction or commentary on virtually everything I see or read is something snarky, dismissive, cynical, bitter, or angry. As Sarno says, I am full of rage. I don't rant (much) or physically throw things, but there in an internal commentary going on inside me where the rage seeps through like a leaky roof. I've read about "accepting" and "letting it go" and have never understood what that means or been able to do it.

But recently I've decided that for me it means hearing the cynical, bitter, dismissive comment in my head and not reacting to it or engaging with it. Not agreeing or disagreeing with it, not judging or scolding myself, but not exactly ignoring it either. I acknowledge that the comment comes from an angry place, and that the anger is valid, but I don't linger. I nod and walk on.

@eskimoeskimo I'm going to throw something out and would ask you to consider it or find a way to consider it. I fear this may sound dismissive or like I'm not acknowledging your experience, and I truly do not mean it that way. I'm going to be using some hot words, some buzzwords that have a charge to them, so look past that to the content of what I'm saying.

There is something in us that wants to be special. To be the one "this doesn't work for." I used to work at an alcohol treatment facility and the director used to say that addicts were "dying of terminal specialness." I'm the exception, the Princess and the Pea, the one the doctors/teachers/therapists couldn't crack. Ordinary methods that work on other people don't work for me.

That need to be special and different, the one who broke the machine, the one the docs couldn't figure out-- that attitude can be the tip of an enormous iceberg of RAGE. It points to an old, old rage that one does not want to let go of. It can be a rage that has become so much a part of one's identity that losing it would make a person feel, sad, lonely, bereft, and not myself. You'd UNCONSCIOUSLY rather be in pain than be ordinary. (I'm very much speaking of myself here.)

I'm going to quote a poem here that I found on a blog yesterday. It didn't just speak to me-- it fairly SHOUTED at me.

From https://everunfoldingself.com

Felt Sense Prayer by Sharon Jones

I am the pain in your head, the knot in your stomach, the unspoken grief in your smile.
I am your high blood sugar, your elevated blood pressure, your fear of challenge, your lack of trust.
I am your hot flashes, your cold hands and feet, your agitation and your fatigue.
I am your shortness of breath, your fragile low back, the cramp in your neck, the despair in your sigh.
I am the pressure on your heart, the pain down your arm, your bloated abdomen, your constant hunger.
I am where you hurt, the fear that persists, your sadness of dreams unfulfilled.
I am your symptoms, the causes of your concern, the signs of imbalance, your condition of dis-ease.

You tend to disown me, suppress me, ignore me, inflate me, coddle me, condemn me.
I am not coming forth for myself as I am not separate from all that is you.
I come to garner your attention, to enjoin your embrace so I can reveal my secrets.
I have only your best interests at heart as I seek health and wholeness by simply announcing myself.
You usually want me to go away immediately, to disappear, to sleek back into obscurity. You mostly are irritated or frightened and many times shocked by my arrival.
From this stance you medicate in order to eradicate me.
Ignoring me, not exploring me, is your preferred response.

More times than not I am only the most recent notes of a long symphony, the most evident branches of roots that have been challenged for seasons.
So I implore you, I am a messenger with good news, as disturbing as I can be at times.
I am wanting to guide you back to those tender places in yourself, the places where you can hold yourself with compassion and honesty.
If you look beyond my appearance you may find that I am a voice from your soul.
Calling to you from places deep within that seek your conscious alignment.
I may ask you to alter your diet, get more sleep, exercise regularly, breathe more consciously.
I might encourage you to see a vaster reality and worry less about the day to day fluctuations of life.
I may ask you to explore the bonds and the wounds of your relationships.
I may remind you to be more generous and expansive or to attend to protecting your heart from insult.
I might have you laugh more, spend more time in nature, eat when you are hungry and less when pained or bored, spend time every day, if only for a few minutes, being still.

Wherever I lead you, my hope is that you will realize that success will not be measured by my eradication, but by the shift in the internal landscape from which I emerge.
I am your friend, not your enemy. I have no desire to bring pain and suffering into your life. I am simply tugging at your sleeve, too long immune to gentle nudges.
I desire for you to allow me to speak to you in a way that enlivens your higher instincts for self care.
My charge is to energize you to listen to me with the sensitive ear and heart of a mother attending to her precious baby.
You are a being so vast, so complex, with amazing capacities for self-regulation and healing.
Let me be one of the harbingers that leads you to the mysterious core of your being where insight and wisdom are naturally available when called upon with a sincere heart.