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I wanted to thank this community for the guidance and support when I needed it the most. I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t learned about Dr. Sarno and TMS. I’m going to apologize in advance if this is long. My chronic pain symptoms are gone so I figured I’d stop putting off my story. I relied on many success stories when I began working through my symptoms which helped tremendously when it felt like I was stuck.

In November 2023 I began experiencing multiple pain symptoms in my back, glute, hip, abdomen, pelvis, and it would radiate down my leg and to other parts of the right side of my body. I still don’t know what triggered it but that doesn’t matter. Over the next several months I became fixated with the pain, falling into the worst depression, while the pain ended up just getting worse.

It didn’t really make sense to me and why it wasn’t getting somewhat better with time. I was in agony. I couldn’t use my leg properly and it felt like it was hanging on by a thread some days. I had shooting pains, cramping, and other uncomfortable sensations. At one point I remember gently touching my hip and burning pain spreading across my pelvis and abdomen. I would wake upe up in the middle of the night in pain. I had horrible nightmares of snakes biting my spine. Sitting, lying down, walking would trigger it. Heat, ice, would help very little. I had all kinds of colorful sensations. Burning, deep itching, pulsing, stretching. It felt AWFUL and like my body was betraying me. Because I became so fixated with figuring what it was I would diagnose myself with rare syndromes, and I’d get even more specific symptoms. Go figure.

I visited a few doctors. Had several scans. One diagnosed me with x syndrome, another disagreed, another thought it was this, or that. I became very, very sad. I remember waking up in the morning after a horrible night of sleep thinking, “I will give this a year, just a year.” The new intrusive ideations terrified me. I cried every single day. I remember telling my husband that I couldn’t do this anymore and that I was so so tired.

I was devastated that I would be in chronic pain for the rest of my life and my mind couldn’t make peace with it. Before all of this, I felt normal and lived a pretty good life. Goodness, how far from the truth that was. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. Lots of “why me?” and “what did I do to deserve this?”

Late February 2024 is when I discovered Dr. Sarno and TMS. I ordered the MindBody Prescription on Amazon. I related to several of the personalities he described. However, when I finished it, I wasn’t fully convinced (as it goes for many). I remember wishing I was a book cure but that wasn’t the case. Later on, I did more digging and discovered TMSWiki. Reading through the success stories really helped my belief that all this pain was mindbody. It was wild reading people’s stories. I thought I was reading woo-woo stuff.

Things began looking up when I started working through the Structured Educational Program. I initially thought it was silly but it was for the first time I began seeing changes in my symptoms. They were moving around and decreasing. I also took away many tools from Alan Gordon’s program. One of the most helpful things I did was create a Proof Sheet. I documented all the different inconsistencies in my symptoms and this helped further nail in the belief. I learned Outcome Independence. I told myself that it didn’t matter what happened, I’d go for a walk or clean the bathroom anyway regardless if my pain increased. I remember cleaning and needing to bend down, I’d tell myself “bending down does not cause pain. It doesn’t make sense. Please stop it brain.” It took some time for my brain to catch on. The constant repetition with having to repeat myself 100x a day became boring and I’d roll my eyes at the symptoms any time they started. They slowly got smaller and smaller and faded as my brain caught on.

There were also moments when I was really really just sick of the symptoms. I was so sick of not being able to sit down without burning pain in my pelvis and abdomen. So I told my brain to make it worse, I wasn’t scared anymore. It did get worse and it did hurt really bad. I remember crying while sitting, but just as I was ready to give up the pain shifted down my leg and decreased. That moment really gave me even more confidence to continue pushing through.

As I journaled, talked out loud to my brain, and pushed through to living life normal again, things began to look up. I began reading my favorite books again and I now joke that books saved my life because it was when I got lost in stories that my pain would disappear. I remember realizing it and feeling so excited. As long as I had my books, I didn’t care if I had pain symptoms and I believe this is when everything REALLY clicked for me. I needed to just get back to the things I loved to do to show safety to my brain. I eased back into my workouts out again. I stopped mentioning symptoms to my husband and family. I began going out with friends not caring if I had symptoms (sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t). Dr. Sarno said to give your brain hell, so I did, but also *kindly*. Slowly my fear decreased every single week to the point where I didn’t care anymore if my pain came back because I knew it’d go away. When my pain symptoms completely disappeared, I felt euphoric and told myself I’d never take life for granted again.

I was briefly (~3 months) on an antidepressant (Cymbalta) to stabilize my mood while I did the work. Without the antidepressant, I don’t think I would’ve pulled myself out of where I was emotionally to rationally work through TMS. I was never on an antidepressant in my life and felt it went against everything in me. I struggled with it terribly so I journaled about it. I was being too hard on myself and trying to be too “perfect” at doing this work. I stopped fighting myself and began taking the medication. It was the best decision. It complemented the work I did daily and that’s what worked best for me.

When I decided to wean off, I had some worries about withdrawals (I had symptoms) and the pain coming back (it did somewhat but it was nothing like before and it quickly went away as I continued to do the work). I realized it was all just fear. I brushed it off, rolled my eyes, and continued living. I am free of chronic pain.

My timeline is a bit all over the place but mid August just right after I weaned off the antidepressant I learned my general “anxiety” and “OCD” was also TMS. The realization hit me like a brick, I’m not exaggerating. Realizing I’ve ruminated and had obsessive thoughts since I was a child really made me begin spiraling again. It was like the pain symptoms moved over to my brain and amplified the mental stuff by 100.

Negative, depressive, thoughts like “well, if I’ve had anxiety since I was a child, there is 0 chance I will be free of it” and “I’m not strong enough to work through this” “I want the pain back” “I will never feel normal in my life” “I’m too scared to face these fears”. My brain was on high alert. EVERYTHING felt like anxiety. I thought, holy shit, I’m going mad. I had a couple panic attacks again. I was terrified of falling into the depressive episode I had earlier this year. But, I pushed through and picked up Claire Weekes “Hope and Help for Your Nerves” again. It felt like swimming through peanut butter, but it began to get easier and easier again every week.

While I challenged the anxious thoughts and rumination, I had a few extinction bursts and symptom imperatives. The symptoms would shift from mental to physical so I knew again I was on the right track. I’d get days where I was going through very old symptoms from years ago (i.e., phantom tooth pain, acid reflux, IBS) while I was working on all the mental stuff. It felt like my brain was on the run and trying to throw anything and everything at me to stay focused on the symptoms. I had days where it felt really uncomfortable even thought I knew what was going on. I practiced patience and shed the old perfectionist personality in ,me to just do. things. the. right. way. Whatever that is anyway. It is freeing to finally give yourself grace.

Throughout everything, I learned SO much about myself and my ego. My subconscious hates how perfect and obsessive, obsessive, obsessive about things like life, relationships, cleaning, whether I’m a “good” friend, or whether I said this or that wrong, I can get. This is what I’ve come to realize is the root of all my symptoms. I had this “aha!” moment one night a couple weeks ago when my obsessive thoughts completely quieted down. I was in the moment after redirecting my thoughts and talking to my brain daily for a couple months (it felt like reminding a toddler daily truthfully). I was enjoying myself, purely happy without anything to be happy about it, just enjoying the moment I was in, and I immediately began searching my brain to how I did it, what did I do to feel this way to feel this level of euphoria in the moment I was currently in, trying to problem solve. And in that moment the symptoms began to come back (worries and sadness and the anxious thoughts). It was like I had a front row seat to seeing it happen and it was then that it hit me that I need to focus on life, stop worrying so much, and my brain will stop all symptoms when it feels safe. After that moment, I realized I CAN be free of my worries and obsessive patterns. All my brain needed was to feel safe. I would say I AM 97-98% better with my worries and ruminations. Every day things are looking up because I’m consciously aware of my thoughts, acknowledging them, and shifting to the present. I’m losing the fear of my OCD, getting “sad” or “depressed”, because I’ve been there before — and it ALWAYS passes. This is key for me.

When I begin to get even an inkling of symptoms (usually it begins in my chest now), I KNOW to look at what I am thinking about in that moment. 10/10 I am thinking and worrying about the FUTURE or if I’m a good wife, or if my friends like who I am, or if I’m doing this correctly with TMS, how much pressure I am putting on myself. I realized this what I’ve been doing my whole life since I was a child. Ruminating and worrying. I began to practice mindfulness and recognizing the thought, and shifting back to whatever I was focused on in the moment. I feel so proud of myself to where I am! I pat myself on the back and reward myself for practicing positive thought patterns and habits (this is important!!)

I’ve noticed my brain no longer jumps to the negative anymore. I don’t down play my accomplishments. I feel proud of myself and the growth I’ve made. I’m not perfect, I’m human. I’m excited for the future. I’m doing more things I never used to do because of “social anxiety”. I say screw fear, and do it anyway! I’m excited to live life fully.

Below I’ll include things that have helped me along the way in the past year.

• Structured Educational Program
• Success Stories
• Journaling (I don’t journal regularly anymore. I didn’t find it worked as well for me as it does for others, but this journey is a personal journey and you need to learn what works for you through trial and error)
• Dan Buglio’s Videos on Youtube (His videos are what I continue to watch. They helped me immensely. I like his approach best as it focuses on living and showing safety to your brain)
• Antidepressant (this helped my brain get to a “normal” baseline to complement this work)

Books:

• The MindBody Prescription
• The Divided Mind
• Hope and Help for Your Nerves
• Self Help for Fear and Anger (Robert Courtade)
• The Way Out
• Unlearn Your Anxiety and Depression

Habits:

• Changing negative habits and thought patterns (don’t be discouraged if you struggle with this for weeks! It takes time especially if you’ve had these habits since you were young)
• Shifting my brain to focus on the present (this still takes practice!! This is not over night!! But your brain is capable of learning new habits and it is PROVEN)
• Avoiding things out of fear (this is where I noticed a jump in progress EVERY. TIME.) My brain would fight me, I’d have an extinction burst for days, and then it all would fall away and disappear)
• Afformations
• Dropping the victimhood (man I was guilty of this!)
• Learning to FEEL the emotion and not ignoring it (what works for me is to talk out loud “I feel anxious” or “I feel angry at my mother right now and I hate her right now.) I learned the it’s okay to feel love and dislike for this person or that person. Life is not black and white!
• Praise myself and practice self love (self-hugs, pat on the back, etc. This makes me feel so good)
• Not spending hours and days on forums, watching videos, and reading about TMS (this is important!!)
• Stop Googling
• Finding that special thing within yourself to keep moving forward

And many many people on this forum! I found a lot of wonderful insight into the ego by reading posts by Steve Ozanich. But also posts by miffybunny, Dorado, Forrest, Walt Oleksy (RIP) and many others who have gone through it all and are living full and rich lives.

Most importantly, Dr. Sarno. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.


Edit: I forgot to add my official "diagnoses". Perhaps someone will find it helpful.

• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
• Chronic Pelvic Pain Congestion Syndrome
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Scoliosis
• Leg length discrepancy