I wrote in another thread about the importance of free-writing whatever comes into your head. The subtext is to be brutally honest with yourself even if it feels scary.
To repeat some of what I said in that thread, the key to reflective writing is do not spend time analyzing what you write down. Simply write down EVERYTHING that pops into your head no matter how inconsequential it might seem. If you spend time to think about, edit, revise or avoid the item, that's your TMS brain trying to influence you.
You described your childhood trauma very well back in August (in this thread), and you also were very technically convincing when you described why your early trauma has led to this dissociative state regarding your memories. You've certainly convinced yourself, but I am going to call bullshit on it.
Here's the thing, Lucie, (@Lalaland123) : this emotional/mental diagnosis appears to be an important aspect of your identity, and that's a serious problem. This is something I learned about in therapy, which is: as long as you identify yourself as ill and/or damaged, you will remain ill or damaged.
Another way of looking at your situation is this: as long as you cling to the victimhood that was unwillingly imposed upon you in childhood, you can not recover. This is the truth about reality.
There is no quick fix to this dilemma, and I really want you to hear that, because it's vital that you understand that you can not just suddenly let go of this identity that you've developed and carried with you for all these years, into adulthood. You need to take a serious amount of time to develop a strong new identity to take the place of the old dysfunctional one. I strongly suspect that this is not something that can be attempted through self-help programs.
All that being said, if what you have learned so far from our web site and forum is the first time you've ever been exposed to this kind of emotional work, a structured program can help you discover just how far you can go on your own, and where you encounter blocks that will need professional help from a skilled trauma psychotherapist.
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Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this updated link: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/Dismiss Notice
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Our TMS drop-in chat is tomorrow (Saturday) from 3:00 PM - 4:00 PM Eastern (US Daylight Time). It's a great way to get quick and interactive peer support, with Bonnard as your host. Look for the red Chat flag on top of the menu bar!
