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Cactusflower
Last Activity:
Nov 28, 2021 at 1:28 AM
Joined:
May 12, 2021
Messages:
45
Likes Received:
40
Trophy Points:
21
Gender:
Female
Location:
SoCal

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Cactusflower

Peer Supporter, Female, from SoCal

Cactusflower was last seen:
Nov 28, 2021 at 1:28 AM
  • My Story

    I have hesitated to tell my story, it is very hard for me to be vulnerable.
    Only recently have realized I’ve had TMS and anxiety since I was 5 or 6. It started with stomach aches and bowl issues, and anxiety about school. This progressed into horrible recurrent nightmares which continued until I was a teenager.
    My upbringing was typical: family of four, no real trauma but a parent who had undiagnosed anxiety and depression along with chronic pain. “Negative” emotions or behaviors were not used as teaching moments but as time for punishments - isolation either physically or emotionally.
    In my teens I had various ailments, the worst being a terrible case of boils the first time my family moved away for part of the year and left me to live alone. Every teenagers dream - except my Father had a a life limiting illness, and my mother chronic arthritis.
    TMS symptoms plagued me on and off as did episodes after I moved away from my family when I married, to another country.
    I also had intermittent fits of rage.
    I had been having isolated symptoms of back and foot pain but was very active. Walking and biking many miles per day, Yoga, working out, having a strenuous job and an emotionally challenging volunteer job. At one point my personal trainer said I was not able to orient my body straight, but in my perception I seemed fine. Then some back pain.
    Weeks later I had a horrible rage incident after feeling so much internal pressure and resentment towards perceived demands of others and dissatisfaction in my current life, plus a lot of guilt. Not long after this my back went out and pain and disfunction persisted for over a year. I did get some better with PT and pilates but never back to “normal”. I was diagnosed with typical disc injuries. Slowly symptoms spread to total body tightness and restriction. I had physical ups and downs and my back incidents repeated. Eventually I was considered to have rotated pelvis and leg length discrepancy. This persisted into hip flexor issues, full body rotations of legs, hips, shoulders and neck. I have jaw, tongue, diaphragm, chronic cough, abdominal and pelvic floor tension and my arches have fallen and pretty much all of my muscles are incredibly tight. I lived in what PT’s called extension, and eventually my posture distorted and pain became relentless.
    I began to recognize anxiety I didn’t realize I had. Panic attacks, depression over symptoms, massive fear, kinesiophobia, silent reflux, dry eye, dry heaves, eye darting, pseudo seizures, and a long time symptom of leg to diaphragm spasms a symptom I’ve only once before read about. With an exercise specialist/life coach interested i chronic pain I stated to journal and meditate .. this led me to Dr. Sarno and TMS. I had never recognized my behaviors as perfectionism (because I was always so self critical) goodist etc.
    I still have pain, chronic body tension, the physical manifestation of a twisted body (it is visible) and contorted posture. I struggle with the deep acceptance and feeling emotion, rigid thinking and very much ‘live in my head’ and seeing I became the type of person I never envisioned myself as. I have constant set backs, am challenged with doubt, self-esteem, a monkey mind and negative mindset. I have had some good days, and at times feel my mind is really resisting the journey to wellness but I haven’t give up. My recovery is taking the scenic route and I am trying to enjoy the ride.
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  • My Story

    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    SoCal
    Introduction:
    I have chronic body pain, I have TMS
    Diagnoses:
    Disc issues in spine and neck10 years ago, Spondylolysis, arthritis (on and off), postural changes - neurosurgeon thinks these are normal abnormalities and should not be causing pain!
    I have hesitated to tell my story, it is very hard for me to be vulnerable.
    Only recently have realized I’ve had TMS and anxiety since I was 5 or 6. It started with stomach aches and bowl issues, and anxiety about school. This progressed into horrible recurrent nightmares which continued until I was a teenager.
    My upbringing was typical: family of four, no real trauma but a parent who had undiagnosed anxiety and depression along with chronic pain. “Negative” emotions or behaviors were not used as teaching moments but as time for punishments - isolation either physically or emotionally.
    In my teens I had various ailments, the worst being a terrible case of boils the first time my family moved away for part of the year and left me to live alone. Every teenagers dream - except my Father had a a life limiting illness, and my mother chronic arthritis.
    TMS symptoms plagued me on and off as did episodes after I moved away from my family when I married, to another country.
    I also had intermittent fits of rage.
    I had been having isolated symptoms of back and foot pain but was very active. Walking and biking many miles per day, Yoga, working out, having a strenuous job and an emotionally challenging volunteer job. At one point my personal trainer said I was not able to orient my body straight, but in my perception I seemed fine. Then some back pain.
    Weeks later I had a horrible rage incident after feeling so much internal pressure and resentment towards perceived demands of others and dissatisfaction in my current life, plus a lot of guilt. Not long after this my back went out and pain and disfunction persisted for over a year. I did get some better with PT and pilates but never back to “normal”. I was diagnosed with typical disc injuries. Slowly symptoms spread to total body tightness and restriction. I had physical ups and downs and my back incidents repeated. Eventually I was considered to have rotated pelvis and leg length discrepancy. This persisted into hip flexor issues, full body rotations of legs, hips, shoulders and neck. I have jaw, tongue, diaphragm, chronic cough, abdominal and pelvic floor tension and my arches have fallen and pretty much all of my muscles are incredibly tight. I lived in what PT’s called extension, and eventually my posture distorted and pain became relentless.
    I began to recognize anxiety I didn’t realize I had. Panic attacks, depression over symptoms, massive fear, kinesiophobia, silent reflux, dry eye, dry heaves, eye darting, pseudo seizures, and a long time symptom of leg to diaphragm spasms a symptom I’ve only once before read about. With an exercise specialist/life coach interested i chronic pain I stated to journal and meditate .. this led me to Dr. Sarno and TMS. I had never recognized my behaviors as perfectionism (because I was always so self critical) goodist etc.
    I still have pain, chronic body tension, the physical manifestation of a twisted body (it is visible) and contorted posture. I struggle with the deep acceptance and feeling emotion, rigid thinking and very much ‘live in my head’ and seeing I became the type of person I never envisioned myself as. I have constant set backs, am challenged with doubt, self-esteem, a monkey mind and negative mindset. I have had some good days, and at times feel my mind is really resisting the journey to wellness but I haven’t give up. My recovery is taking the scenic route and I am trying to enjoy the ride.