Anxious and defeated

Most of you might be by now sick and tired of this thread. Me too! Today I had nausea from the time I got up in the morning. My doctor convinced me yesterday to follow the official guidelines. But today I thought: no, I want to have clarity. Is there something really dangerous going on or not. If not, I can be very patient and my guess is that it is TMS anyway. To make it short, I have an appointment with a doctor in a private hospital. If he thinks an MRI scan would be relevant he can do that. With the public system I first have to go through all the diagnostics that lies before that and it will take at least three months. It will cost me a small fortune, it I need to have clarity. This background anxiety makes it difficult to focus on my work. And it also makes it difficult to apply the TMS work. E.g. how to apply outcome indifference if you don’t know whether the symptoms are symptoms for something structurally going on.
I just hope that this doctor is not a total jerk.
I also thought of writing to Steve O if he has an opinion on that. But the bottom line is that no one can tell me whether I am having a structural illness without having the diagnostics done.

 

Wishing you well tomorrow @Time2be. xx

 

thanks, the appointment is on Monday. I think I open a new thread where I pose the question of diagnostics. How much diagnostics do we need? When do we know it is enough? I find that very difficult. I just had a talk with my friend who is a general practitioner. He found it somehow funny that I need a MRI to be sure that there is no cancer in the pancreas tail. He also warned me that sometimes you get a result you cannot really use or that leads to new diagnostic procedures. Well, yes, I know. That's another problem. But, he also said, different folks - different strokes. If I need a MRI to have certainty then I should do it. I talked with him for while, told him about my problems at work before holidays and his guess is that this is what caused the nausea and my stomach problems. Well, yes, that's what I also think. But ... anxiety tells me something else. I am very sure that if I know that I don't have a serious disease, I can deal with it. I did that with the bladder pain, I will be able to do it with my stomach.
I really think of all of you, who wait for diagnostic procedures, for results etc.

And I also start to think that if all this is TMS I really need to dig deeper and find out what I am doing here. I spent almost two years with checking out my bladder problems, I feel like I am at the beginning again. I don't want to let this happen ...

 

I think it's hard to advise anyone as to when they should stop being tested as the general advice we're given is to get new symptoms checked out before deciding that the cause of them is TMS. (Some people may have taken a risk on their TMS recovery journey and not had some of their symptoms tested and fared well/okay because they were in fact - just as they surmised - TMS symptoms, but personally I think that, sadly, it's a decision that really only an individual can make for themselves.)

From reading many of the success stories on this forum, it seems to me that those who do TMS mind/body work and fully and permanently recover, often take a kind of 'leap of faith' (for want of a better way of describing it) that each new symptom that rears its ugly head is TMS and nothing more, despite how intense those new symptoms might be...And, because they take that 'leap of faith', it seems to make them better able to stand waiting (if necessary) to get their symptoms checked out via medical tests and to carry on regardless in immersing themselves in mind/body work while they are waiting. I read that some of them then even end up cancelling the medical tests that they have been waiting for because, with doing the mind/body work, their symptoms have gradually disappeared or have radically improved (which wouldn't have happened if anything sinister physically was going on)...

I believe that such a 'leap of faith' mindset is likely to happen to us if we persist with doing mind/body work - especially if we do stuff that is pleasant such as visualisations and deep breathing etc - despite our symptoms and while we are waiting for medical tests and their results. (That's not to say though that we shouldn't try and get tested sooner rather than later if at all possible, rather than waiting.)

I wish I could make you feel less anxious with something that I might say, but I truly think the answer to feeling better about everything lies with us relentlessly, but gently, continuing to pursue mind/body work.

I shall be thinking of you on Monday and wishing you well; I hope you manage to get an MRI via the new doctor.

 

BloodMoon, thank you so much for your most reasonable comment. You are absolutly right. I have to make the decisions myself and I will make them along the process. No need to stress myself with some absolute demands. I noticed that I make it difficult for me by laying out a master plan and when things turn out differently I get stressed.
I thought I had already built up the capacity to take things slowly and without much anxiety. I had some minor health problems and it worked very well. It seems my subconscious is testing me with fear of having a killer disease. Now I also have heart beat that is felt in the throat - I know, pure anxiety. I don’t go to the doctor for this. I need to calm me down, i understand. Do soothing things. Yesterday evening I watched TV with a friend (something about Belfast and the Brexit).
That was actually good. I wrote about the leap of faith before. I fully agree. That is what is so difficult for me to do. In the case of bladder pain it took me almost 3 years. I don’t want to spend another 3 years like this.
Thanks so much again, I appreciate your thoughtful comment very much!!

 

What a great post @BloodMoon . I couldn't agree more.

Re the upcoming tests and the anxiety @Time2be, @Caulfield has some excellent posts on how the mind/body approach is so important even where an actual physical condition is diagnosed. In other words, whatever the outcome of the tests, the mind/body approach is the way to go forward. Again, all good wishes to you for today.

I am learning that the 'leap of faith' is key for me in making progress. At my age of 69 it takes the form of a deep inner knowing and convication that there is work still for me to do before I die and joy and pleasure for me still to experience. And the process of getting me in the right place for these is via the mind/body route, in particular by simply ignoring the symptoms and starting to actually do some of these things, slowly, step by step, in spite of any bodily symptoms and fear and anxiety that might or might not flare up. I've recently been to my first meeting of the local French conversation circle in my town and loved it - and even though symptoms were flaring before I left the house, once I was at the meeting and interacting with others I hardly noticed them. I'm also applying for some local volunteer work. I've been such a hermit these past few years because of the IBS and the loneliness and isolation have been hard.

I had a mole removed from the sole of my foot in June and the enforced inactivity of the past two months or so when I was unable to walk any distance, plus the fact that I've been able to read more on this forum, have actually helped me in really understanding the TMS principles. I'm going to re-read Steve O's excellent book because he is so strong on just doing it and pushing though the symptoms. I also listen almost every day to a guided meditation or visualisation on You Tube which I actively look forward to now. And my great treat is a walk in nature and just experiencing the fields and the sky and the river. It grounds and calms me.

 

Absolutely. I expect you've seen it, but @Caulfield's 'How I healed from a myriad of symptoms' posting/thread is so helpful and inspiring http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/how-i-healed-from-a-myriad-of-symptoms.18723/ (How I healed from a myriad of symptoms).

Fabulous! I think what is key is doing pleasurable things that are the opposite of what our subconscious wants us to do - which gradually teaches the subconscious that it's okay; we're not in any danger - we're actually safe.

Since I posted up my thread about feeling that time was running out for me - which you kindly replied to and lifted my spirits - I've also been buoyed by reminding myself that the latest research findings are that the brain is neuroplastic and capable of change right up until the day we die. We can unlearn bad stuff and replace it with good stuff; our brains will rewire.

I'm just starting Steve's book. I didn't think I would like it ( judging by some of the reviews on amazon) but I am enjoying his style of his writing; he's even made me laugh with some of his little jokes .

 

It's Anthony William - The Medical Medium. He's written 3 books and has a radio show on SoundCloud.
http://www.medicalmedium.com/ (Medical Medium - Anthony William - www.medicalmedium.com)

 

You're very welcome! I'm glad that what I wrote was of some help to you.

Yes, and - although you're having to pay attention to the attention-seeking symptoms it's producing (i.e. in getting yourself checked out physically) - by pursuing mind/body pleasurable techniques you will be doing the opposite of what your subconscious expects you to do and in so doing gradually fizzling out its power to make you feel unsafe.

When you think about it, life's generally not like that anyway, is it? There are always things that happen that derail our plans, whatever they may be. Much of our suffering is wanting something different to what is happening to us at any given moment.

Lol Being a Brit, I don't find anything about Brexit soothing, as it's all such a mess! ..But I agree, what we find engaging is likely be soothing and that, of course, is good for us...At least part of the cure for persistent pain/discomfort has got to be persistent pleasure imho!.

 

What a wonderful conversation! Thanks westb and BloodMoon! I am kind of overwhelmed by your insights. I am calmer now. In the late afternoon I worked in the garden, very soothing. So, yes, I am surprising my subconscious by doing nice things.

BloodMoon, well, the Brexit is not exactly soothing, lol, no. (This is not a forum for politics ... however the political developments starts to frighten.) But this TV feature was in a way old fashioned and nice. It was also about food and the landscape. Just watching TV with a friend is nice for me. I live alone. I like very much to have company without going out or doing something special. That’s the problem of being single, you don’t share your everyday life with someone else. I liked Steve O’s book and I was also a bit skeptical in the beginning. But as you say, it’s not only informative but also fun to read. Caulfield’s story is so amazing and I just re-read is some days ago. I love the way he uses scientific knowledge.
I was not aware -or can’t rembember- that you had a thread that time is running out for you. I need to check this out. You seem to be in much better place now!

Westb, a French conversation group, wonderful! Your hermit like years are over, that is wonderful!

And BrooklynGal, thanks for the link. Interesting that Robert De Niro is one of his customers. You had an MRI this week as far as I remember? Do you have a result?

 

Great!

And, from my own experience of having lived alone at one time for over 10 years, there can be too much time to yourself to think and ruminate. However, on the positive side, I think that living alone is great for mind/body work - no one to interrupt you when you're doing your meditation or visualizations or whatever. I like living with my husband, but sometimes I long for some solitude.

Yes, I think it's mainly down to doing yoga nidra; I'm so much more optimistic and hopeful. I think it's changing me. All the support on this forum is working wonders too

 

The osteopath was nice, but I still have backpain. He said I had lots of tension in my muscles. The nicest thing though was the Tibetian singing bowl he used in the end. That’s a phantastic sound, both calming and energetic. I know that all this physiotherapy is not really a fix. I stopped all this about two years ago.
Thanks again for all your very helpful, insightful and emphatic comments. I am kind of switching between being anxious (convinced I have a sort of cancer), then again I am hopeful, think that this is just TMS (just? Though compared to cancer ...), then I am accepting that I might have cancer, accepting that I have to die. Death has always frightened me. I never wanted to think about it. When people say that death is a part of every life I always thought ‘what a nonsense’. Life is the opposite of death. But now I see that mortality, that life will end, should be part of our lifes. I think I will live with much more awareness and maybe even happiness. I hope so! Let’s see what on Monday the doctor says.

 

I was thinking of getting a recording of those, but maybe it's not a patch on the real thing.

 

Today I had an appointment with a doctor at the private hospital. He referred me to a special CT (multi layered or something) that is designed to find anything in the pancreas. He didn’t say much. Listened to my symptoms, commented that they are rather diffuse, and then said that it would not be totally stupid to have a scan of the pancreas. And that was that... 15 minutes, I paid 250 euros. The CT scan will cost me around 700 Euros. Oh, what could I have done with this money!
And, I think my symptoms are not really there anymore. At least I don’t feel nauseous and my backpain is better. Yesterday I thought I might call the whole thing off. But then again, what if it starts in two days again? Better to have this scrutinized now. And then I follow my GP’s advice.
I’ll guess I will have the scan this week. I’ll keep you informed. I won’t have a result immediately. It takes one or two days to look at the pictures.

 

Good that he agreed to a scan and you didn't have to battle with him to get him to order one.

I think so...because in TMS the gut and the back are it seems particularly liable to pain and other symptoms and so, if they did come on again, it seems likely that you'd be back to being concerned that there's something physically going on that is serious.

Good luck - and while you're waiting to have the scan and then waiting for the results, keep up the mind/body pleasant stuff to keep you calm. I shall be thinking of you.

 

To keep you informed: I had a CT scan today, no result yet. There was no doctor I could ask. It was only the medical personal that administers the CT scan. They send the pictures to radiologists and they will make a report. The guy who administered the CT scan was very nice, talked me through the procedure and I was less nervous when I left the place. I had to fight a bit to make them send the results directly to me (and my doctor). I had to confirm that I am absolutly capable of understanding the report. If there are things I don’t understand I have friends who are doctors. Let’s see.
I will visit my sister tomorrow. This will give me some distraction. And I will do nice things with her. I thought of cancelling my trip but then I thought, that this would be my former habit. I would isolate and wait for the results. Now I think, what the heck. Don’t think about the result now, have fun and a rich life.

 

I am relieved. The CT came out clear. I don’t have any sort of abnormality inmy abdomen - as far you can see with a CT. But, they found something that they think is neglectable I the left lung. I will ask my doctor what this means. And I have cyst in my left kidney. Here the radiologist recommends a check in one year or half a year. Not for the lung thing.
My feeling is I had a sort of gastritis. Or, let’s call it TMS .
Now I need to look at myself and how I reacted, why, what emotionally is and was going on.
However, most important, I am relieved.

 

I'm glad to hear that your pancreas is okay. You'll be able to stride ahead now with continuing your mind/body work, now a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

I'm asking this as I might need to have a CT scan in the near future...Did you have to have any type of contrast dye and, if so, how did you fare with it - presumably okay?

 

Dear BloodMoon, I had no problems with the contrast. I don’t know what they put into my blood, it felt warm at first, also in the bladder. And a bit of metallic taste in the mouth. All this was only for a minute. The told me that a rare side effect is an allergic reaction, but only very few patients have this. All what I read about the contrast for CT scans said that this was not a problem (it seems to be different for MRI contrast).
I am happy that I don’t have pancreas cancer. But it turned out that I need controls and maybe even more diagnostic for this spot on the lung. It could be nothing or it could be the beginning of lung cancer. Probability not very high. In up to 50% of all CT scans you find these spots, also in 12% of children’s CTs. And only the absolute minority of those spots is cancer. Anyway, I find this annoying and of course I panicked in the beginning. Now I try to take it calm. I’ll keep you informed. It is like my doctor friend told me, the more diagnostics they make the more they will find - and not always things that need to be found and controlled. That’s modern medicine ...

 

Thanks for telling me about your experience of the contrast dye - I believe they often use an iodine dye for CT scans which, as you say, is less likely to cause problems than the gadolinium that is used in MRIs.

I remember when I had a breast problem a number of years ago (unexplained bloody nipple discharge), when the mammograms and ultrasound scans and lab tests couldn't determine the cause of the discharge, I asked about having an MRI...The consultant wouldn't order one because he said that MRIs and CT scans so often show up lumps and bumps and blemishes that are really of no concern, which bears out exactly what your doctor friend has advised you...so keep on keeping calm. And, yes, please do keep me/us posted with how you're getting on.