Hey folks, The last couple of years have seen some major changes in my life and in my health. Two and half years ago my younger daughter was in a car accident. She was airlifted to a specialist trauma hospital. She sustained a severe traumatic brain injury and was in hospital/rehab for over three months. She's made amazing progress, even went back to work after nine months, but she has definite impairments that affect her and will continue to have an impact on her life. Just over a year later, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. Although I knew there were problems in the marriage, I was devastated. I was still reeling from my daughter's accident and then this. I was in a very bad way and put on anti-depressants. My back pain and sciatic returned, no surprises there. I was prescribed Gabapentin for the second time. I had managed to wean off it a few years back after a particularly bad episode. But this time was different. I had all but given up and would say to myself every day, "I wish I was dead. I hope I get cancer and die." The divorce discussions commenced and it transpired that I was in deep trouble due to some complex tax issues and had to take drastic actions. This made everything even worse. Last spring I found a temporary part-time job so I could get out of the house a few days a week. We were still living under the same roof but separately. It was hell. I couldn't cope with the fatigue and brain fog caused by the Gabapentin so tapered off that completely. Work was therapeutic but I hated returning to the marital home at the end of the working day. Our daughter was there so I stayed around for her until I couldn't take it any more. I moved out two months ago. Another big change. Due to the divorce and needing to 'maximise my income' I asked my employer for more money/more hours. I was turned down for both. I was doing perfectly fine at work - it was just a financial decision. I applied for and was offered a full time job with better pay elsewhere. I could really live without another change but I felt I had no choice. I start on Monday. Meanwhile my back issues have flared up - again, no surprises. I'm trying to carry on. Yesterday, I spent a couple of hours crawling around the floor putting a flat pack desk together. I felt the effects this morning. I know this is all about everything above, the way I have been speaking to myself, etc. I feel like I am going through the motions, but would rather just sit quietly and let my life slip past. I've had to buy all new furniture, appliances and small items for the home. It's as if I am putting this place together for the benefit of someone else, not me. My daughter is still living with her father and is having difficulties at work. She's going to jump before she's pushed, resigning this week. She's suffering major anxiety but I feel pretty powerless to do anything meaningful for her. I was reading one of Steve O's comments to someone yesterday where he was discussing how one is not always ready to heal it helps to consider why. Well, I've come to the conclusion that I don't feel worthy. I've been rejected so many times in my life. Even when I have made the decision to leave a place, a job etc, I still feel abandoned. I'm overwhelmed with these abandonment issues. Where do I go from here? I don't know, but it won't be to another therapist, TMS or otherwise. Been there, done that, helped put a plaster over the wounds but it always falls off again. Healing has to start and end with me but..... There's always a but.