New Program Day 13: Overcoming Uncertainty

I try to make sure that I stay connected to the TMSwiki as that is the best reminder to help me always get back to the place where I need to be which is in a state of awareness of my TMS and any available recovery solutions that I need to work on. I try to keep in constant awareness that I am physically ok and the pain is coming from my brains desire to shield me from painful emotions. It is so easy to just focus on the pain and forget about the solution. So yes I read success stories, I journal, I do anything I can. And like this post I have alerts set that will let me know of activity that occurs on the Wiki that I might be interested in. I always keep the TMS wiki website tabbed in my browser and when I re-open it in the morning after closing it down at night I use the menu function of "Reopen closed tabs" (I use Chrome) which opens it up and makes it so I can't forget about it and what I need to do. I will browse new posts and any that interest me or that are similar to my condition which is Sciatica. As a matter of fact I can feel that my answering your post is helping me. Since I started my reply I am starting to feel less pain, stiffness and discomfort. I used to be a Social Worker before I retired and I would work with people who had addictions. And when they would come into my office and ask what they needed to do to recover I used to tell them that they needed to do everything they could possible do and then go out and find some other stuff to do. That is the way that I feel about TMS. I try to do everything that I can and then do some other stuff too. What also helps is to try to have some fun doing it. This recovery stuff from TMS can be a lot of fun if you let it. Basically it is all good stuff. I hope this helps a little.

 

I tuned in to this page tonight because my back and brain and conspiring to lay me out flat and I am not buying it.
Further, I’m listening to Pema Chodron’s Living with Uncertainty.
I’m in between waves of anxiety. A big part of my life is up in the air. It is uncomfortable.
The anxiety is better than last week but I’m concerned that I’m pushing the feelings into an old back complaint to feel better.
My horses lost their beautiful farm and pasture and trails in the Woolsey Fire that burned 85% of the Santa Monica mountains.
They are safe. All my friends horses are safe. Many have lost homes.
It’s like walking around in a nightmare.
And I want to grieve the loss of place, a place I’ve gone the past dozen plus years. Two or three days a week, it was my sanctuary.
I am making calls and driving miles and miles to look at new places that might work. Tomorrow I am hopeful but I was hopeful last week and the week before, only to back out of each place.
I’m mostly worried about my young horse who has never been penned in... I’m afraid of him going bonkers. I don’t have any real reason to fear this, really, so likely I’m afraid of ME going bonkers.
Well, I am not going to pretend. The stress of the fires felt like I could be broken by the devastation. I am not broken. I fear brokenness.
And then I tense up! So I have done yoga and grief meditations. I have showed up and done everything I need to do at home and at the office.
I haven’t gone off the deep end. It’s grief. Simple grief. Huge loss. It’s real, I am allowed to feel it, tho it sort of feels like my family would rather I got over it and things went back to normal. I can’t go back because so much is gone. I can only go forward and bend and be flexible and remember, as Pema says “We are addicted to “me”. I, me, mine. I hurt, my pasture, my saddle and bridle and twenty years of gear: gone. I am sad. Simply terribly sad.
It beats a back ache, for sure.
Thanks for listening,

 

Oh my goodness, Bodhigirl! Having just read your post, I just want to reach across the miles and give you a huge hug! I am so sorry!

By posting this here, you are reminding us all that "This too shall pass"! Of course you are sad! Of course you are grieving! Who wouldn’t be?

May you and all you care about be safe. May you be healthy and peaceful. May you feel supported and heard! You are a strong person with wonderful self-awareness. Whatever happens, it really will be okay. Hang in there!

 

I am so sorry @Bodhigirl. Such an event, affecting both you and your community, can't help but shake you to the core. Keep breathing, keep taking care of yourself (it sounds as if you are already doing that), keep being as flexible as you can and just put one foot in front of the other. You will come through this. xx

 

I needed this! Revisiting uncertainty.
I’m in pain, my fellow travelers.
If I keep writing it will likely improve or vanish.
There is no magic to the pain. I just don’t want to grieve any more. I want to be in acceptance instead of resistance and right now I am just in a fuss!
It’s okay, either way. I can wait forever to make decisions or I can make them. I want this to be easier.
I have been delaying a big decision - a huge remodel of our home - for years!
I can feel the outdated-ness weighing on our self esteem. I am avoiding stress till it gets so stressful that remodeling will seem easy?
Well, that got a smile outta me.
Time for a hot bath! I am gonna rest in uncertainty.
Rimpoche said “The bad news is you are falling through the air without a parachute. The good news is there is no ground.”
Life is uncertain. Life is for sure, uncertain. It’s time to befriend my fears.
And thanks for listening!

 

Check out the book F**k It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way by John Parkin. It helps with this problem immensely.

 

Have you read John Sarno's book, "Healing Back pain"? Our bodies are created to heal themselves. I had 3 different major issues that I had come to believe were degenerative and the future looked bleak. All three turned out to be TMS and at 61 I am now doing lots of things I had given up decades ago like kayaking and bike riding. Hope is so important. I am not pain free yet either, but I'm going to get there and enjoy the process.

 

I have read this before and today the F. Scott line really helps. It’s exactly what I have been doing with a very big decision that I am deciding very imperfectly.
Do I keep riding my horse or do I quit? Do I sell him or do I keep trying to perfect him?
I keep finding new “next steps” to take. I want to rush away from uncertainty instead of harvesting the answer when I really know instead of pushing past the anxiety because it’s so uncomfortable.
I wish I believed god had a plan. My god is a god of process. It’s just what’s in my heart to believe. Maybe I could pretend god had a plan for a week and see how that feels?

 

i think ill have

AMEN

 

I'm in a situation currently which is causing me so much anxiety. Do I change jobs or not. I've applied for a job that I know id really enjoy doing. I also have a friend who works there who raves about the place. My current job is on my doorstep and its the best boss I've ever had. I have a few gripes about the place but so does everyone. I cycle to work now but the new job would mean me getting a car which is more expense so I wouldn't be any better off financially. So difficult. Do I go for the job I want or play safe as my current job ticks all the other boxes.

 

Lifeisgood@.... is my email address.

 

These struggles of uncertainty must be a very common thing to be going on in most people’s lives right now.

I can relate very much. It’s been a real struggle for a while now with job security seemingly being a historic relic, etc. That lead to decisions made to change things financially, which lead to a real estate purchase and all that goes with downsizing a home, selling one, and building one. Not to mention all the other drama that is “normal” for a father with a family.

What I’ve discovered is a subconscious will, desire, directive or what have you, to FORCE the circumstances of life to do my bidding and satisfy me. It’s so deep and deceptive. It takes a real step back to look at the big picture and how you’d view it if you had a close friend going through it.

If you see this with conviction you can “let go.” You realize there was this belief that you are something bigger than what reality actually proves. You’ve added things, circumstances, relationships, etc to what defines “you.” Well, that’s a bunch of BS your mind has been feeding you for so long it’s just “normal.”

The cycles come and go. The hard lesson is learned over and over again. Eventually you “know” things that are helpful and will never be forgotten. It’s a realization, not a thought, that you only have free will to navigate what life gives you at any moment. Eventually I hope to stop forgetting that.

I even have had a few bought of TMS back into the elbows and forearms that landed me here years ago. Fortunately that lesson is cemented in memory now. The pain can be laughed at and goes away.

 

I immediately felt calm upon reading Alan Gordon's above about decision-making. I had never thought of it that way... that we don't have to make things right, but look at it in such a way that either outcome will be okay... (obviously within reason). Catastrocising is like an involuntary auto-response that we 'might' be able to unlearn. I find that I forget to consider there are more than just the worst outcomes.

 

I've gotten to the rehab stage, and made progress, twice now. Along the way, all my practitioners ask me about my pain level, 1-10. I hated that question even before I had neuropathy. Then, in the course of hunting around for resources, I found an app, PainScale, that gave me descriptors as well as numbers. 2=my pain is light and quiet, 4=my pain is constant but not too limiting, 10=my pain requires emergency attention. That has helped me get more accurate with assessing my pain; but on the rehab walks, I would find myself agonizing over whether I was in level 3 (so, I could keep going) or 4 (stop!).

I gave myself permission to sit down wherever I was and NOT think about Do I Stay or Do I Go. Think about something else. Usually when I got up, my feet would be a few levels down the pain scale. And Alan gave me a great thought to move me away from uncertainty: to cease measuring myself every 20 steps. He said something like, Am I enjoying what I'm doing? Then dwell in that thought!

That has helped me immeasurably. If I'm anxious because I'm in pain, do what I need to do to reduce the pain, but just accept the pain as an old friend.

 

I know if I'm not careful, I'll spend a lot of my time fearing the worst and not enjoying all that I am, and all that I have. Covid certainly didn't help -- the news that we're all at risk of dying tomorrow. I'm sure the general anxiety of the world will remain heightened for many generations. This post, along with self-soothing, are great reminders to not let my mind take off down dark paths. Focusing on my breath and easing the nervous system is an important reminder.

 

Such a good point, Christopher. And Covid did certainly make all of this worse. I just got Covid again last month . . . . . for all we tell ourselves "it's okay, you're safe," there's always Covid.

That reminds me of the ya-gotta-laugh school of thought, and I found a great quote--
"Laugh because you are wise.
"And I laugh because it *makes* the occurrence funny instead of irritating. It keeps things in their proper proportion.
"One of the consequences of our freedom is that we are responsible for the way such situations affect us. The essence of freedom is deliberation, decision, and responsibility."
--Steven S. Tigner

 

curious how you are doing. i too stress, feel so much pressure with big life decisions. career exploration, do i go back to grad school and study social science/enviroment, natural resources or take couses in it, project mgt, apply to well paid jobs w/ likely high pressure or continue applying to less pay jobs that seam more meaningfull and less pressure work? deep down i feel i know what i want, a decent job with people who care, are supportive and we're making the world a little bit better.