New Program Day 8: The Ignition for Change

@Alan Gordon LCSW Just letting you know that there might be a problem with the donations. I just tried to donate but it wouldn't accept my card. Does it only accept donations from inside the USA? Said card declined, tried a few times, definitely correct card number and valid etc. I had to make up a post code too. Used 90210! Only US postcode I know.. from the movies

 

Hi Nicole, many of us didn't know about tms and Sarno until months or years after our symptoms started. By then we are desperate and miserable. We live in this cocoon that many would called our safe zone. It is painful and lonely in that cocoon and yet we resist all attempts to leave. Somehow it feel safer in there. It hurt like hell but it is our cocoon. This is what many wise people call a victim mentality. It is the same like living with an abusive spouse and refuse to leave him/her. Put up with the abuse and somehow feel safer staying than leaving, it is too scary "out there"/
It is a break away move you have to make yourself. Alan give you wonderful guidance here. Just take it slow and do it. The way to the top start with one step. It take time but for sure it can be done. And remember, doctor Weekes said give it TIME. Many of us making the mistake of not taking plenty of time to leave our cocoon. It will take time. Don't rush to heal. Just do it persistently. Never stop.
One day the world will be a much more beautiful place for you.

 

Learning to 'self-care' is a long process, and each person will find their own particular path for this journey.

Through my 16th and 17th years (junior/senior), I was primed for what my Mom's 3rd husband planned. Already critically damaged before he ever came on the scene (sleep deprived with nightmares when I did sleep, and severely depressed), he made his move after my younger brother was sent away (long story, but involved 'the man' beating him). My Mom worked long hours, and the man worked also, but there were too many times where he was home and she was not. An alcoholic, and violent and very intelligent, he knew how to strike at me. The physical violence was the least critical. It was the key-words "You are such a burden to your mother and she wishes you were dead." I worshiped my Mom beyond anyone or anything. He would point out that she had sent my brother away, but she didn't know how to get rid of me and if I loved her at all, I would solve the problem by ending my own worthless life. Often it was whispered in my ear as he pinned me. It was relentless.

And I believed him. Suicide became all I thought about. He was right about everything. I was a burden and useless, and ugly on top of all that.

There was a lot of damage in the first 20 years of my life. The 2nd twenty years involved a sort of shell-shock state. I'd survived, but barely.

I am relating this particular slice of my life as it is relevant to the deep-seated self-hatred of everything I was, and learning, slowly, slowly, slowly, to find my way out of that place. This was all before I ever knew about this site.

When I lived in Alaska, I found something ... vast and beautiful and spiritual. I begin to believe I was not alone. Very often, it felt like someone was softly whispering Love into my body, and I would, at times, feel the embrace around me.

I thought about this for a while (I am a person who 'mulls' on things). And then decided to try some experiments. I realized I never looked in my own eyes. Never. Ever. I would fix my hair, brush my teeth, and never make eye contact. I avoided most eye contact with anyone, but most especially myself. So I decided to really look at my eyes. Not in, just at. I realized I rather liked my eye color. A sort of secretive green with hints of gold star bursts.

That was the beginning. Something I liked about myself. A starting point.

It is not an easy journey. Not at all. But change can and does happen.

I have been pharmaceutical free for a couple years now, thanks to this TMS Forum. I gained insight and merged my own methods into creating my outcome. And the evolution continues.

Everyone can do this. You have the strength, even if you do not yet realize the power of it. Believing in yourself is one of the hardest steps, but when that happens, everything changes. Everything.

There are so many beautiful souls seeking their own healing, and by being here, it says that you are all willing to take responsibility for your own health and well being. That is something to be proud of. Give yourself credit for that. And then give yourself credit for asking all the questions.

You are powerful.
You are strong.
You are BEAUTIFUL.
And the world is infinitely richer because you are part of it.

... always with Love <3

 

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story! I am soo sorry for all that you have been through! You truly are a survivor. I am so glad you listened to your inner wisdom and not that man because you have alot to offer!! Thank you for sharing how you started to like something about yourself- what a great example of how to start loving yourself!! Thank you- I may give that a shot!

 

I once heard that our "shadow"in psychological terms, was the behavior we do the least. And maybe we need to express more of that which is still in the shadow.

 

Thanks for sharing your powerful story, Lily Rose.
So much love.

 

I think it is a profound idea that our body is telling us that it does not want to go back to the way we were treating ourselves. In this way, I think of TMS not so much as an obstacle in my life, but actually the path to self love. I think my back pain is telling me to get off my back!

As difficult as the last couple of years have been, I have grown a lot. First coming to have compassion for other people in pain and then for myself (more difficult). And I believe I will continue to grow and let go of pain along the way.

Thanks for the honest sharing. ❤

 

@Lily Rose,

Bless You for speaking of this, for giving voice to the secrets that live "like black gravel under the skin of the soul." (Clarissa Pinkola Estés).

Having endured and survived my own deadly trysts with various predators I am now free, not only of the initial wounds they inflicted but of the secrets they imposed. A long, arduous and confusing recovery, yet now those wounds are healed.

To quote Dr. Estés once more:

"Although there will be scars and plenty of them, it is good to remember that in tensile strength and ability to absorb pressure, a scar is stronger than skin."

I know this site has many readers, those who lurk and hold their shameful secrets like malignant jewels. To them I say have the courage to lay them down, lay them open, let them speak. Listen carefully and you will hear the source of the critical voice and you will feel the burden of its pressure to be, to think, to speak and live in accordance with its numbing lies.

You are not what happened to you. You can leave it in the past where it belongs and you can begin the exquisite adventure of being your self. Let the powerful words of Lily Rose embolden and inspire you. She may not know what a lifeline her voice has been for me. I give thanks to the women here who have long being so supportive and encouraging. Together we sing life back into that which was deadened.

Much love x

 

I can relate to what so many of you have said about not being able to give self-love – I am only just getting over feeling self-hatred, so self-love feels very distant! And what's interesting, is reading about what you all have said about feeling bad about yourselves, putting so much pressure on yourselves and criticising yourselves constantly, I feel such compassion and sadness that you all feel this way, and feel that you all deserve self-love; but for some reason think that of course I am different, I don't deserve this self-love thing! Which of course is just the product of feeling bad about myself. I actually had no idea that I was giving myself all these messages about not being good enough, and constant criticism that I have not achieved this or that - esp in terms of career and now of course with this 9-year long saga of back pain where I am not able to work, earn money or socialise due to not being able to sit/stand/walk for very long. And now I have realised how much pressure I've been putting on myself constantly in terms of my recovery: Why have I not gotten better by now? There must be something wrong with me or I must not have tried everything or been committed enough, etc, etc. I relate to some of the earlier posts about feeling like I need to say 'sorry' all the time, as I can't do things that people want me to and I can't be the person I once was. I feel like I am constantly having to justify to (certain) people why I can't do the things they seem to (still!) expect me to do. Mostly family - friends seem not to expect things in the same way, but my family are constantly implying that I am not doing enough to get better, or that I can do much more than I think I can - I just need to push through the pain and I can do everything. So it's obvious where I got my self-criticism and self-pressure from. It is constantly in my head. And because I have so much fear as well, I fear that I won't be able to get rid of this (on top of all the other things I 'need' to get rid of). It's such a fine balance, trying to change but not berating myself for not changing quickly enough
Lily Rose, thank you for sharing your story - I am amazed at your strength that you have survived and come out through the other end - as I don't think many would (speaking as someone who tried to commit suicide myself at 16). You are so brave and strong, as are the rest of you on here. It takes so much courage to investigate the depths of the shadows that lurk within. So thank you all for your insights and courage.

 

So moved and inspired that someone could come through this experience with their beautiful and compassionate soul in tact.

My thanks to all of you for sharing your pain and your courage to not turn away from it.

 

I had a dream last night. I was inside am airplane about to take off
I was standing inside running to the cockpit . I needed to get there before take off. I ran with all my strength and l felt the energy of the plane's speed against me. I woke up before arriving to the cockpit. A voice inside me was telling me "You can do this. You will get thwre. You are strong". I keep the feeling in my chest. I am strong.

 

And thus my morning began with sipping coffee from a handcrafted mug and wiping my warmed and leaking eyes ....

I especially love the aspect of singing life back into that which was deadened. Sing, strum a guitar, or drum ... each will vibrate our cells back into life.

.... with Love and Gratitude <3

 

Hi. this is a wonderful idea, and most kind of you to share this with everyone. thank you.

 

Ellen......I know that feeling so well............I am not a self comforter. I'm good at doing it for others.
and have spent my whole life doing that. Now doing it for myself - is a VERY big challenge for me.
its a total shift in my way of be-ing.

 

Thank you for that. I actually save bugs too if i can. i've always been nurturing and sweet to things and people i love, but not so much myself. My home life was fairly average. No abuse, though, it wasnt necessarily warm either. My parents worked long hours, and my dad always fell asleep the moment he came home (he had a temper too, which was scary and annoying, though, he never hit). He died when i was 15, so that was a scary thing to go though, and started a lot of my anxiety and hypochondria, especially when two more aunts got cancer 2 years later. I had years of being picked on when i was young because i had bad teeth and a very unflattering nose, so i was made to feel like i was ugly. I grew into my looks later and while i'm always told i'm attractive, i still feel ugly. That never left me. So yes, i'm terribly self critical of myself, and when you throw in the hypochondria and anxiety, it creates a huge mess. Getting into the mountain biking scene 7 years ago was a miracle to me because it made me good at something, and i lost weight, got into shape, and came out of my shell big time. I got a whole new group of important friends too. Now that my pain has threatened my biking (i can barely ride anymore, maybe 10% of what i used to, and it badly flares my condition) i'm going insane. i've lost almost everything and i'm losing the people i love! So the fear is insane right now. the fear of losing everything and everyone i love to this pain. Thank you for taking the time.

 

Many of us who are at this forum have lots of baggage from our past (or our parent's past, as we live in a broken world and are born to broken people), and as I first started exploring TMS, I was discouraged about discovering all the crap of childhood that, in a way, led to chronic pain. Feeling like a victim was a horrible trap, as it made me feel powerless and took away my agency to face my challenges. A victim tends to interprets his/her life in a negative light, in a self-sabotaging manner. We all have a version of our own life story, interpreted through a certain lens, and it is one that we repeat to ourselves unconsciously over and over. To break this harmful cycle of seeing myself as a victim, I have found it helpful to reinterpret my life through a new lens. I wrote down this new and better version of my life events (still factual, but focusing on a redemptive storyline), it is the only version I repeat to myself, and I found that very therapeutic. Try writing the story of your life with you as the protagonist/heroine, focusing on what you were able to learn, to overcome, and how pain has helped to enrich your life, understand yourself, help others etc. The facts of my life have not changed, but my interpretation of life's events has changed, and now I feel grateful to be who I am today, to be alive and living in hope. This outlook will empower you and and lead you toward healing. Hugs, and good luck!

 

Hi Ewok, I could donate from outside USA (Germany), by a visa credit card. I have applied the post code 77584 (Pearland, Texas)

 

Such a great suggestion. Thanks!

 

This is a great lesson! The audio really helped me see myself so clearly. I am a lot like Brandon, but didn’t see that I was treating myself so cruel. I am undergoing medical treatments right now, and am having such a hard time resting. I have always had so much drive to do more, work harder, create more, etc. so I can give more to the people I care about as well as my clients. I have been like this my whole life and don’t even know how to change my way of being. It feels like a foreign language and quieting myself and resting feels uncomfortable. I’m not even sure where to start, but I can see I need to make changes for my well-being.

 

I soooo relate to this! I also feel like a failure for having this pain and not able to keep up with my partner socially and fitness-wise. Type B personality is probably even more damaging personality than A because we use the stick to motivate ourselves. Type As are highly driven and eventually get burnt out but not necessarily feel constantly guilty for being inadequate. Perhaps it's a different mechanism - we are in constant inner conflict between two parts of which one wants to be relaxed and energy efficient, and the other one whoch thinks that only being the best will give us true sense of safety. So the second part blames the other calling it lazy, and it's a very abusive part because the first one is relatively stronger.