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New Program Day 8: The Ignition for Change

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by Alan Gordon LCSW, Jul 19, 2017.

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  1. GShaw

    GShaw Peer Supporter


    You're so correct! The majority of us are brought up in a similar manner. This goes back in the history of our families.

    Once you understand this concept it is my belief you can start to look at life differently.

    The key is to really start to love yourself and learn we deserve everything and anything we desire. We are also all capable to have everything we desire. Do not let your mind tell you anything different.

    Important to remember, our mind does not want us to live the life we desire.
     
    GShaw, Oct 11, 2021
    #81
    Xara likes this.
  2. maryj

    maryj New Member

    This resonated with me as well. I try to be very nurturing towards others but not myself. I’m not sure I love myself. I mean I’m not quite sure what that should feel like. I also feel a lot of pressure from my husband. He just retired and I feel like I’m letting him down bc I don’t want to do a lot of things with him bc of my pain and fear of pain. He has a strong belief system, sort of a “suck it up” belief system that I feel is discompassionate and it makes me feel weak and lazy that I can’t do that. And now he’s home a LOT more than he used to be. I feel like I have no space for working on TMS, or I should say my space revolves around him and when he won’t be around so that I can focus on this. I’m doing it though and it is helping. I just wish I could share more of this with him and have him be understanding of it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 24, 2022
    maryj, Sep 23, 2022
    #82
  3. Xara

    Xara Well known member

    There is a chance, I assume, that there is a part in as that loves ourselves. It is our mind/ body which says no, instead of as and wants to protect as. Sometimes it exaggerates, but we have to listen to it ( I don't have yet did it, I only feel it:))
     
    Xara, Sep 23, 2022
    #83
    JanAtheCPA likes this.
  4. Xara

    Xara Well known member

    So right...
     
    Xara, Sep 23, 2022
    #84
  5. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    It's a core human issue - lack of self love and compassion. I think the sociologists/anthropologists have theories about why this developed in us - whatever, it really sucks.

    Anyway, the thing to do is start slow. Right here. Because I always say that in order to heal, you need to love yourself enough to know, in your heart, that you DESERVE to heal. You can do that, right?

    First step: at least once a day, give yourself a HUGE amount of credit just for being here and being open-minded enough to do this work.

    ~Jan
     
    JanAtheCPA, Sep 24, 2022
    #85
  6. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    PS - we didn't have Alan's program when I started this work in 2011, so I don't know what kind of writing exercises he incorporates. I worked the SEP, where one of the really effective writing techniques was the "Unsent Letter". Consider writing a letter to your husband. You could even put it in an envelope and address it. Then send it to the shredder.
     
    JanAtheCPA, Sep 24, 2022
    #86
  7. Bex1111

    Bex1111 Peer Supporter

    I am so mixed with this. I know I often feel I am not good enough. For example, I am a good singer but whenever I sing to people, I often feel afterwards like it was shit and when I listen to recordings I rarely enjoy what I hear. At school I felt dumb and now much later life adult student at uni , I always thing I don't get it. My upbringing was good but there were some rough fights from my dad... often angry and a bit violent. I know we were naught and rude but his anger took my breath away at times . I always have been scared of groups of people,.. but I left my home at 18 and travelled and loved it.... I am so ying and yang
     
    Bex1111, Jun 21, 2023
    #87
  8. ChristopherB

    ChristopherB New Member

    It's so hard to rewire. These personality traits that worked for us in many ways, and that others (family) have learned to depend on, would be great if only they didn't trigger the pain that becomes chronic. Awareness and expression are key, and I'm hopeful that overtime in combination with changing my behaviours and the things and people I chose to worry about, will help release me from the pain. Self-love seems selfish - if only all those 'takers' could start giving back. I guess they won't until they know we're tired of giving (and hurting). Reading books is easy. Doing this work is the tough stuff.
     
    ChristopherB, May 3, 2024
    #88
  9. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hey Christopher - I would urge you to reconsider this "if only" way of thinking. It appears to be a fairly obvious, even innocuous, statement for a TMSer to make, kind of a throw-away, in fact, and that's exactly why I'm latching on to it, because it's those seemingly simple throwaways that can reveal a whole lot about how you can work with your particular brain.

    1. "If Only" is actually a pretty rigid mindset. Being aware of your personality traits does not mean rejecting them out of hand. You don't have to change your entire personality to do this work - in other words, it's not an either-or proposition!

    2. Your personality traits do not "trigger the pain". I expect that you know this rationally, but again, what you wrote reveals how your (irrational, and primitive) TMS brain wants you to think, because this keeps you uncertain, on edge, and primed to reject the whole premise.

    3. The goal is to embrace the positive aspects of your personality traits, appreciate them, and turn your attention to the stress response that accompanies so many manifestations of these traits. Examine how much of your perfectionism and/or goodism is rooted in a fear of judgement, or a craving for connection.

    When some kind of emotional pressure is behind perfectionism and goodism, that's what creates emotional stress, which is typically repressed by our TMS brains, which create symptoms in order to cover up this repression.
     
    JanAtheCPA, May 3, 2024
    #89
    ChristopherB likes this.
  10. ChristopherB

    ChristopherB New Member

    Thank you @JanAtheCPA. This is helpful. The reminder that perfectionism may be rooted in the craving of connection resonates with me.
     
    ChristopherB, May 3, 2024
    #90
    JanAtheCPA likes this.
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