Don’t know what to do at this point

@Davideus85, your emotional health - including happiness, comfort, and interests - is important and comes first. Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy, prescribed medications, or anything else? Sometimes some of us need to focus on those resources before doing TMS work.

I had a similar experience at the ER years ago. They debated what they would do with me, but ultimately decided to let me go and referred me to Mayo Clinic (in case I did indeed have an undiagnosed disease - which I do have Ehlers-Danlos but mind-body symptoms really were the culprit behind the disabling aspects of my pain). However, when I got to Mayo, my mental health was considered a top priority and they wanted me to talk to a therapist, go on a medication, and start thinking about therapists back home.

Your brain isn’t doing any crazy shit - you’re just in a lot of emotional distress and you deserve to have that be addressed and managed.

 

I am so sorry you are dealing with such thoughts.
Suicide is NEVER the answer.
Suicide is final.
This depression and anxiety will pass, I promise you that.
14 years ago I went through a hysterectomy and had some complications with the surgery, excruciating back pain on top of loosing my estrogen sent me into a downward spiral.
I thought at the time I could never dig my way out, months went by and the hopeless feeling lingered.
One day I made myself go for a walk.
Next day I made myself go for another and another and another.
Slowly I came out of it. You can to.
There are people who care about you.
Think of the ones who love you.
Depression is temporary, Suicide is not.
Are you a religious person? I am, and the Bible tells you to lay down your worries.

Because I am religious, I will pray for you that you can lay down your worries, and overcome this burden you carry.

 

Unfortunately it does not appear that my symptoms are temporary at all. I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for a number of years now. In the last two months I haven’t been able to feel any joy in activities at all. It hasn’t improved in the slightest. In fact, things seem to be getting worse, not better. Nothing ever changes. The ones that clam to “love” and “care” about me just abandon me. I don’t want to die but I’m all out of options. There’s just no reason to keep living this way.
Please do pray for me.

 

Do you have any other preexisting mental or physical conditions?

 

This scares the shit out of me but I think it is something I have to do. It’s not like anyone will miss me.

 

Yes I have ASD.

 

This is a difficult situation due to the lack of support you are getting. Is your family aware of your current health issues? Are you able to independently support yourself (i.e. work)?

 

I had to quit my job a few weeks ago due to my severe depression and panic attacks. My family is not being supportive right now. So I’m shit out of luck.

 

@Davideus85, I had depression and anxiety as early as 9 - when I wrote in a diary that I wish I could “just die.” I was uncomfortable with same-sex crushes I was just becoming aware of, rich alcoholic adults in my family not giving a damn, etc. These problems became trivial in my adult years, but the patterned behaviors and feelings plagued me for years and years. That’s important because I thought if something no longer bothered me, I shouldn’t still be having such drastic mood swings from anxiety and depression - that was false. I’m in my thirties and none of those issues even remotely plague me in a negative way, but sometimes I catch myself feeling overwhelmed or unlovable.

Could you be dealing with patterned thoughts? When was the last time you sought treatment for your feelings? How long has this been going on?

It’s never true to say nobody would miss you. Even people you’ve never met. There is always value to be derived - you’re just in a place where you cannot see that value. If you’re dealing with swings in your emotions and suicidal thoughts, please tell a medical professional - they may have misunderstood the urgency of your feelings.

 

One other thing: even when I was at Mayo, the nurse who performed a psychiatric evaluation on me started my written file by describing me as a “very pleasant” person. I had an admin worker at U of C hug me after saying I looked so happy coming into the building yet looked so upset coming out. I could fool the best of the best in the middle of a nervous breakdown. If you know something is wrong, don’t let anybody tell you that what you’re feeling isn’t urgent. It IS urgent. And you deserve to be recognized as a top priority. Suicidal thoughts are always, always important.

 

I’m definitely dealing with patterned thoughts. I’m a high functioning autistic so I’ve always had trouble processing my emotions. Sounds like you know what it feels like to be “different” to some extent as well, so you know how extremely isolating it can be. None of my childhood issues really resolved themselves, I just learned to forget about them. I’m 35 now and still don’t feel like an adult.

A few people may be surprised by my absence and be sad but they’ll get over it quickly I’m sure.

I know I need professional medical help but I just don’t know how to get it. I lack the financial resources needed to for one thing. Not sure what to do.

 

Regarding financial options, community resources, sliding scales, and more can help direct you. Here’s an article with some insight: https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-to-do-when-you-cant-afford-therapy#tips (What to Do When You Can’t Afford Therapy)

You may not feel like an adult, but you’re a valid person and there are people who want and will help!

 

If only I could find affordable TMS therapy.

 

I am so sorry you are suffering. I think the fact that you have reached out here on the wiki, expressing your despair, shows that you do want answers, you do want to live on some level. It would be easy for anyone experiencing what you are to feel that there are not any answers. I agree with Andy-let go of the TMS model for now. You can always come back to it. If your current physicians are not responding please go to the emergency room and be truthful with them, as you have been with us, that you are having active thoughts of ending your life. They will have options to help stabilize these thoughts.

 

I think another visit to the ER is inevitable. I am just so afraid of telling them the truth of my suicidal ideation and having them lock me up indefinitely. Not a pleasant thought.

 

We have not abandoned you. I don't even know you personally but I care about you. I believe we were all put on this earth to serve a purpose, we might not know what that purpose is at the moment , it might take awhile to find it but we have a purpose.
Promise me you will give yourself time to find that purpose.
Do you live a lone?
Do you live in the city or rural area?
Do you drive? Have a job?
Tell me about yourself?
Pray often, God has not abandoned you.
If you are a religious person, or not , find a church to attend.

 

Hey again @Davideus85,

Still keeping you in thought and prayer.

As far as being put away indefinitely, can you take your thoughts to look at evidence for that, at facts? I know it's hard; I've been there. I do understand that fear.

But...take a moment and try to step outside your self, or find a space/place in your brain where you can ask:

"How many people do I, David, know of who have been locked away indefinitely?"
(I, Carol, know of no one.)

"Would healthcare workers really want someone to be put away indefinitely?"
(No. If so, it would be very few and they shouldn't be in healthcare. Plus, patients have rights.)

"What is the worst that could happen to me?"
(I know this may seem strange, but if you can accept the worst, all roads are up from there. It is very rare for the worst to happen.)

"What might happen that could be good...even the best?"
(If you can engender some hope, even just a crack (& I know how hard impossible that feels right now)...that can help possibilities/solutions squeak through...)

A couple stories:
My mom lived with bipolar disorder. When she was in her 30s, she was institutionalized 2 times. And she came out better for it. Raised three kids and was successful in sales. When she was 60 (and still on meds for bipolar) my dad had a car wreck that rendered him a quadriplegic until his death 12+ years later. Mom was his main caregiver through those years, and they lived as full as two can in that situation. Did she have mental health problems during that time? Yes. (But who wouldn't?) Toward the end of that 12+ years, she had to go through some shock treatments and in-care stay. But, she came out of that and lived a happy life into her mid-80s.

My niece was in-care hospitalized for suicide and depression when she was in her 20s. Her stay wasn't pleasant, but it helped her and she manages well now, in her late 30s. Not without episodes, but she has tools and meds that help.

And, I think I've shared with you that I too have been through multiple bouts of suicidal ideation. Panic, anxiety, depression. These still visit from time to time and back in March, I had to restart on low-dose Paxil, which has always helped when I've had to take it over the past 20+ years. Suicidal ideation visits rarely now, but when it does...it doesn't have the power it once did. I know the evidence. It always passes. And if I need help, I reach out....just like you have here. You took a leap and trusted and I commend you for that! Now, do the same with the ER; folks there left the door open for you when they said to reach out to them again if you need to.

You will find support outside the forum. There are good people in the healthcare industry; ER docs are some of the best. And yes, there are sour grapes in any field. I've had some of those and stopped seeing them. You will figure that out, but first .... trust, in spite of your fear, and take the steps to get help where you are.

You are worthy and a wonderful soul; it comes through in your posts.

You can get through this. The evidence is on your side.

Sending vibes of love, strength, and hope...
~Carol

 

I completely understand that the psychiatric hospital/ER can be an intimidating thought - but people are helped by them every day. Your life is worth it. You know this as you continue to try to work through everything going on. That is a sign of resilience.

I know you said your family hasn't been very supportive lately. But perhaps you can tell someone you are closer to that you're going to the ER so a few people know where you are?

 

Something is really really f*cking wrong here. I’m just completely emotionally numb today. More so than normal. I can’t even feel anxiety! It’s like everything is just shut off. I feel like I’ve lost my soul or something. I don’t feel motivated to do ANYTHING. Even though I can’t feel anything I’m totally aware this is NOT normal or ok and part of me is panicking silently inside. I want to do things like cry and be sad but I can’t. I just sit in my car and stare off like a zombie. Shit, I’d rather feel some of that anxiety and panic even, just so I can feel SOMETHING. WTF is happening to me?!?!?

 

This is not normal. I need serious help.