Exhausted, I need some help

Emotional wheel sounds perfect. Thanks for sharing, I should educate myself on this topic. I know these are not emotions, but they guide me to my emotions eventually. When I am tense, I look for a source; when I feel overwhelmed I prioritise self-care and then look for a source. Unfortunately, most of this processing is happening on an intellectual level. Up until recently I could not feel anger for example, my system shut down and forget instead, making me more vulnerable than I would have wanted. I feel anger now, but not as much as I should… When my face is red, my palms are sweaty, my heart is pounding I do not need to check in with my body to understand which emotion that is, because it’s obvious for me too. But for example when I feel overwhelmed, I try to understand the reasons why, and there is a story behind. Oftentimes, it’s about some boundary violation, and my system does not allow me to feel the anger and protect my boundaries, instead numb itself out. Usually, this is due to some earlier conditioning too, therefore some things must shift on an intellectual level too.

 

Oh this is exactly it! I struggle with emotional vulnerability a lot. There are three basic survival mechanisms; fight, flight, freeze. When the system is convinced that it can survive, sympathetic systems is activated, preparing to fight or run away. In case of the freeze, the system sees no way out and prepares itself for the final blow, numbing itself to feel less pain.
Dissociation is a deep form of the freeze response, occurring when the system perceives an unbearable threat. I recognise when I’m on the verge of dissociating and use that brief window to gather insights about my patterns. Once dissociation fully sets in, it’s usually impossible to retrieve any clear information about why it happened.

So how do I reach emotional vulnerability without activating my freeze response?

And it feels like fighting to get well- like someone who doesn’t know how to swim, desperately trying to stay afloat. But in reality, people float naturally when they stop fighting.

 

@Ybird @Cactusflower @TG957 @JanAtheCPA @Sita thank you for this discussion, encouragements, and recommendations <3

Your questions and interest helped me tremendously.