Falling into despair over journaling

Really?! I thought others may have tried it. I’m happy to report.

 

Thank you all, this thread has been so helpful. I'm going to take a few days off the journaling- or I will journal about positives in my life. All the recent journaling has stirred up A LOTTTT of emotions and I do feel heavy, weighed down, in more pain and I have the urge to journal more but I'm not sure I need to, because I am FEELING everything. It just sucks. I'm so discouraged, a few months ago I was feeling so so so much better and I actually saw healing (remission, or at least close to remission) was actually within reach. And I have gone backwards. and it makes me want to ball my fists and stomp my feet like a toddler throwing a tantrum. maybe I should!

Jan you had good advice- to journal the things that are stressing me out but leave it at that. I will incorporate that into my nightly routine!

Thank you all again. I started listening to Dr. Weekes again as well

 

Don’t be discouraged! Healing is not linear. You’re still going forward. Theres someone I really look up to in the TMS healing world. Her name is @miffybunny She overcame horrendous challenges and some terrible symptoms and has healed. I saw her in an interview once and she drew a picture of the healing journey. She took a piece of paper and basically made big looping scribbles. It looked like a mess! I took note of that! And it helps me retain hope when times get hard. Also, Dr. Weekes adamantly says that we learn the most during setbacks.

Here’s @miffybunny ’s (her name is Rita) interview with Dan Buglio.

 

I'll give this a listen, I love Dan!

The part that is like a thorn in my side, still, after months now- is the fact that my condition is autoimmune. I can SEE it in bloodwork, I can see joint swelling at times. That being said, once I started to believe it was in fact TMS and/or my brain focusing too much on symptoms and I did the work- it got muuuuuuch better. So this thorn in my brain is just there to stall me. It's almost like my brain gave me an autoimmune condition as the final "test"- the more scared I am, the worse the condition gets, but RA DOES cause damage! So it's like I have to not fear something that is legitimately scary in order to heal.

For many months, I debated with myself whether or not the cure for an autoimmune condition lies within the mind, nervous system, repressed emotions. What is interesting is I fully believe in stories I read of people healing from anything AI- but I can't quite believe it for myself. TMS brain at work, I guess. When I first joined the forum I asked what everyone thought about autoimmune being TMS and you all were basically like... yep. lol. I think I just need to hear it a lot. Or, because I am not yet where I want to be, I tell myself "see- autoimmune can't be reversed with TMS work. It isn't working because it is a real, physical, structural issue". There is a part of me that does not want to heal, it seems.

I know in my soul that my RA started after decades of nervous system dysregulation, being scared, being anxious, over thinking, and the straw that broke the camels back was a very upsetting incident with my father and I pushed my anger towards him down. So if I believe that fully in my soul----- whyyyyyy don't I fully believe that I can, maybe not 100% heal, but at least have minimal symptoms, with TMS work??

Thank you all again endlessly.

 

Also I meant to say thank you. You, and everyone else here, are filling me back up with hope.

 

Hope is a good thing! You can go miles and miles on it! Also— check out this RA success story interview by Dan. I’ll include the forum’s discussion about it, because there’s a lot of good stuff there. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/rheumatoid-arthritis-success-story-not-my-own.28177/

 

I have listened to Phil's story twice now and I think I need to listen to it a 3rd. He healed because he believed it originated in the mind

 

Just want to add that Dr. Sarno talked about the importance of the Rage-Soothe ratio. It's important to engage in soothing activities to counter those activities that bring up rage and other negative emotions. Limit the time you spend journaling about negative emotions and be sure to find soothing activities to engage in throughout your day. Meditation may be soothing for some people, but for some it can create space to bring up difficult memories. Some other soothing activities may be hanging out with friends or animals, spending time in nature, music, creating art, etc.

 

I really like this concept. I know Schubiner, Sachs, Sarno and on would say to make a list of stressors and free journal about it and it's a powerful tool, but like you said, there's something really refreshing about writing about anything at all. Just be there, have a cup of tea, and no need of accomplishing anything.

 

I agree! After you finish writing, you’re supposed to tear it up and throw it away. Don’t reread it or anything. It creates distance between you and your thoughts. Here’s what Dr. Hanscom says about it in the DOC app:

“In the era of advanced neuroscience research, pain, anxiety, and anger are all viewed as neurological circuits and physiological responses. These embedded patterns cannot be controlled, changed, or removed. You can only detach or separate from them and then form “detours” or new, more functional circuits. In order to begin this process, you need some distance between your thoughts and automatic reactions.

Expressive writing creates this needed space. You will develop an awareness of your thoughts, positive or negative, and you can separate from them. Its effectiveness has been demonstrated in many research studies.”

 

Thank you, Jan. I listened to your podcast with Nicole but will give it a listen again. Your story inspired me once, and will inspire me again.

Outcome independence is THEE KEY.

 

I entered the forum to ask for help for similar thoughts, problems, symptoms... And I am reading this post! From the moment certain emotions emerged in my daily life, from the moment established beliefs from childhood became conscious and I started realizing how unfairly and unlovingly I was treated , my symptoms returned like a hurricane from nowhere. Despair, anger and fear, and fear to face and feel the fear... like I was never permitted to feel it ( though intellectually I admit it is something very human).
You expressed it thoroughly. I don't know the answer. I am just watching it happen.

 

I relate to you! At the end of your post you said "I am just watching it happen" and I think that is so important. To become aware of our fear, feelings, but to not allow it control over us.

I still don't know why, or when, I got the message that I had to ignore and suppress fear, although I have a pretty good idea. But I am realizing through this- it doesn't matter why, what matters is I got the message, and I have to teach my body that it is safe to feel fear and anger and all the negative emotions.

As you read, when I first started journaling my symptoms increased a lot. It was awful. But I came through the other side and felt so much better. I am currently in round two of that. Hang in there!

 

Yeah, it tends to be like that for me too. It's the how I am focussing though, not the on what. C.W's floating technique helps me with this; I think it's even just the word use...floating instead of (somatic)tracking. Feels so much lighter and easy going to me, and I definitely need some easing up

 

Floating is a better word to use, I agree. Like you said, it feels lighter. The language we use, even silently in our brains, is important

 

One interesting thing happened to me yesterday though. I picked one of my list topics to journal and felt absolute nothing. Then I went to meditation and an intense anger started to come up. I went back to journaling and in about 2 lines my writing started to turn into an angry scratch. Well, it worked, not in the way I thought it would, but it did. I felt better.