Have any of you quit your job that was killing you?

I've been reading through your posts on this, Guerno Triste, and just reading it makes me feel stressed!

I think that you would benefit from watching some of Gabor Mate's videos on youtube. He wrote some great, compassionate books "When the body says no', and "in the realm of hungry ghosts' the latter deals with addiction, which he defines as 'any behaviour that gives a person temporary relief and pleasure, but also has negative consequences, and to which the individual will return time and again'. He describes himself as a workaholic and talks about why that came about and what he was avoiding - what the work was distracting him from.

As an outsider - looking in - it seems to me as though there is an almost masochistic quality at work here, you are punishing yourself for something or feel that you should be punished - ? self esteem issues / anger issues?
Have you asked yourself why you want to stay around work colleagues that you feel so much contempt for?

Someone mentioned journalling in an earlier post and I've found it massively helpful and recommend it in trying to unravel some of your feelings.

 

Not crazy, but I think you may be 'addicted' to the adrenalin rush and other chemicals/hormones that the stress of your job causes you. I also wonder if underneath it all you may fear what you'd do with yourself to fill all the time that you would have to yourself if you were to give up your jammed packed, time-consuming, stressful job.

 

Good point.

 

Blood Moon you are not wrong. There is an addictive quality to the adrenaline and cortisol. Hell maybe I’m even addicted to feeling bad. I grew up with a fundy Christian worldview where suffering was a virtue. I can see some of that software still running.

And yes, I need the job as a hidey hole from myself and all the problems within. That’s a fact. So I go to a place where I am uncomfortable to hide from the facts about my failings in my personal life. It has gotten to where I am not comfortable ANYWHERE in the daylight, home or work. When I’m at work I’m hiding from home and when I’m at home I’m hiding from work.

All I look forward to is night time. Take a toke and a drink, read my book and no one wants anything. Even the voice in my head will finally be quiet. But the morning always comes and I’m out jousting windmills again. Most days I consciously think “Damn the sun”.

 

I know this seems like a contradiction, but I think it is really hard to separate the two. Internal changes often lead to external changes. External changes often lead to internal changes. The important thing is to recognize a change is needed and start somewhere.

 

Thank you Ellen. You are correct, they are the sides of a coin.

 

I appreciate your response. My authentic self... now there’s a thought. I’m not so sure what that even looks like. Twenty years of selling out have clouded my vision.

 

You could work on parting the clouds! I believe I have a similar problem; I've never known what I wanted to do when I grew up and for years took refuge in, and got soothed by, my vices (not booze or drugs, but mainly comfort food, in my case)...and 'time is a running out' as I'm in my early 60s now!

 

I could have written exactly this about myself. Same age range as you too!

 

And we're both from Blighty! Are you recovered from TMS? I'm still a 'struggler' and wonder whether my 'not knowing what I wanted to do when I grow up' has more than a small bearing on this.

 

It does for me, touching on angst over mortality. I can’t go back and do things differently. I can start from where I am, but there is only so much time ahead. I would not say I am fully recovered from TMS but I am as near as damn it.

 

I turn 56 this summer. I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up.
......Oh wait. I still don't want to grow up. The little bit I have had to has been noisy and kicking and screaming...and I'm not sure I am keeping it anyways.

Mercifully, no one ever expected much from me so I have never had screws turned on me to 'be' anything. I am sort of outside the system , if you will. From hearing about that pressure from people in my life (brother, Gf, etc) it is the voice that says "I need to BE something" that is the problem, not the something. Open up to that voice, listen to it and maybe the conflict will cease... your unconscious ID is probably just angry at the voice.

Most of my own 'needing to BE something' has been self generated as opposed to outside pressure, so it was easier for me to discard. We seem to take other people more serious than our own chatter.

 

Reminds me of Byron Katie's question "Who would you be without your story?"

 

Spend time around kind, supportive, happy, healthy, and reasonably successful people.

 

There is a well known guy in the 12 step world named 'Sandy Beach' and listening to his talk "What's the story?" helped me let go of large tracts of it. I know it probably sounds weird, but anything we tell our self or others is really just a story...doesn't make it true, important or real. If we get lost in our own stories, lots of limitations seep in .
That has been amazingly liberating...it's like a big rock I don't have to carry around anymore. My ego (who is also instrumental in TMS symptoms) LOVES stories. When I tell you who I am, I am also trying to tell you who I am NOT and that's a firmer prison wall then any you could lock me in.

I still catch myself doing it all of the time. It's very similar to the Eckhart Tolle "watching the thinker"...and when I am quiet enough to be aware of that, I am also symptom and distraction free.

 

You're quite the writer. Why don't you pen a short story about the guy you are and write on through to the ending? Once you get to the ending you'll know if it's a tragedy or a redemptive story.

 

I always wanted to try myself as a firefighter now I'm finishing school tell me where you can find out about this work

 

I hated working in an office. All the work related to documents infuriated me. I sometimes wanted to puke from it. But I remember when I came across an article on this site firerecruitmentaustralia.com.au about how to get into the fire academy, that is, what documents should be done and what should be expected on the test, and so on. You could say I was lucky, right? So, I received a salary at my job in the office and immediately wrote a letter of dismissal. Yes, I knew I was taking a risk, but I didn't want to stay in that job. I decided to apply to the fire academy, and after a lot of tests and checks, I was accepted into the fire department. And God, I'm glad I got here.

 

"Find something that suits your sensitive nature"

I would love to find an interesting, high-paying, yet accommodating job that actually satisfies this criteria! Call me crazy but if I can find the right tech job + side hustle combo that doesn't take too much time or effort, that would be great! Working with the right skills and the right people/teams seems to be key.