Inner criticism = danger to your brain

@Cariad,
So sorry to hear of your suffering. And it truly is suffering to be in this position: aging, with TMS, seemingly losing your career. But all is not lost!

I’m so happy this thread maybe comforted or helped you even a little! (I felt really self conscious posting, and I almost deleted it!) I joined this wiki 3 months ago and some of my posts feel like messages in a bottle. I’m so lost at sea. Ironically, I can type with my thumbs in my phone, so I have been “publishing” away daily, probably to the sheer annoyance of the poor patient souls here. They have been so kind! And lifesavers!

I was amazed to hear of your accomplishments! Quite successful and impressive if you ask me! That’s really sad you haven’t had the added joy of your family’s pride in you. I have a feeling that for both of us, their acclaim wouldn’t repair the damage in our self-esteem. Maybe no amount of money or recognition would. We have to find inner self-value. True healing. That’s the first gift of wisdom this TMS journey is teaching me. How? I’m not sure yet.

Most days, I feel panic. My career has kept me feeling like I have value. Like I’m helping people. Like I’m useful.

To make matters worse, my husband is now doing most of our household chores and the cooking. (I don’t regret losing the cooking!) But overall, I’m not very useful. I always have needed to feel powerful by making my own money, not relying on anyone. I’m completely stripped of my normal protections. It feels terrible. (This is an entirely other topic that deserves its own analysis. Why can’t I be vulnerable?)

Until recently, this inner pain is giving birth to a new idea. I still have my heart and my mind. I can still help. They might seem like more humble ways to me at first. Like recently, I volunteered to host a 12-step virtual meeting for emotional healing once a week (Al-anon). It gives me more joy than I ever could have imagined. I have always been really shy and don’t ever want to lead or direct anything. I seem to be growing and shining in this position. And I’m helping! People are getting comfort from me. I am seeing that maybe I was wrong. All this time writing business articles for people, it wasn’t to appear smart or accomplished. I thought that was the biggest part of it. The greater part was this huge desire I have to love people. I haven’t even begun to explore where this could lead.

This is all scary stuff. Not the journey we planned at all! I think everyone on this wiki would agree to that. It doesn’t all seem to be aging related, either. Some of the younger folks who lose their ability to work or even get out of bed are worried if they’ll ever get to have what life has to offer. A family. A career. Fun?

It’s really nice to meet you! Join in here. It’s a really great place. And I pray for all of us to heal! There are so many success stories here. I’m holding out for getting better and still writing for days to come.

 

My goodness, I can equate with that! When I won an art competition (not a really major one, but nevertheless I was chosen out of a lot of good people) my mother's only comment was that she didn't like the mauve eyeshadow I was wearing when I collected my prize! In my case, I believe my mother just wanted me to be a cardboard cut out of her, but in some cases I think it's actually about jealousy. Good luck with your excavation process. I hope you root it all out and feel a whole lot better soon.

 

Congrats to you! Despite what your mother thought, this is a great achievement! Plus, you developed a talent you surely must have.

Sadly, I think this is true, too often. And by people who should be our biggest fans—our family and friends.

 

Thank you, @Diana-M . Sadly, I never did art for a living, but I did sell a few of my 'works' as an amateur artist, which was quite thrilling for me at the time.

However, when TMS happened to me with a vengeance, I couldn't paint anymore... everything turned out to be a muddy mess (very symbolic!).

I'm hoping to move house soon and am planning to use a small room as a dedicated art studio where I can have the freedom to go in there every day, make a load of mess and then leave the room and the mess behind me, and get all that 'mud' out of my system.

Absolutely, and I've found that it can make you feel so very alone, and it can lead you to question exactly why and how you ended up being friends with some people who don't appreciate the things about you that are a part of your essence.

 

Because it is thrilling! And I think this does make you a real artist.

This is so sad! And what a huge loss. It really does make life hard to lose the precious joys. I’m so glad you will be painting again! Imagine how all your past suffering and wisdom will contribute to your latest work. (Suffering makes for such good art.)

You said it here! TMS work makes you review your whole life and everyone in it. And at last you can see what’s really true. But the cleanup can be ugly and even sad.

 

Aww, thanks, Diana! Years ago someone bought a few of my paintings to hang on the walls of a restaurant in Japan -- I sometimes wonder if those painting are still there for customers to see as they eat their sushi .

So true especially when you think of artists like Van Gogh, Frida Karlo and Edvard Munch. However, whilst I guess they could pass as 'art', my last efforts looked like something you'd find lining the bottom of a bird cage! But I'm kind of looking forward to creating a mess and then eventually overpainting my canvases with something that pleases my eye.

Yes, it can be ugly, sad and hard, so be sure to be gentle on yourself as you cleanup and gradually extract yourself from the mire. From my experience, we need to remember that we've been the one who has been doing the suffering, while they've been getting on with their lives completely TMS symptoms free. (Sorry, you probably don't need me to pep talk, but I just think it's an important aspect that we TMSers are liable to forget.)

 

I bet they are still there! That’s impressive and fun that you are an international artist. Your work has been seen and enjoyed. What could be more rewarding? (I wish I could see your work. Would you feel like sharing?)

 

That sounds like great fun! (I myself love artwork. It has always given me phenomenal joy to color, paint or even create digital designs. I only took art classes in high school, so I have zero training. But my heart sings to do it!) I have great respect for artists!

 

So so true. Something that keeps coming up repeatedly in my journaling is how sick I am of being of service to other people. Not in a charitable way. That I’m not sick of. Like giving deliberately to a charity or organization. But when people I know—friends and family—who want “a quart of blood,” as I call it. They want to use me in some way and I just allow it. I am really sick of that, thanks to my new TMS recovery mindset. Pep talks always welcome! Thank you!

 

Ha ha... I've never thought of myself as being an "international artist"! -- I need you over here to sit on my shoulder and keep bigging me up like this! (I too never went to art college.)

I did take some old fashioned (not digital) photos of some of my work before I sold them. I'll see if I can find them and then I'll ask my husband if he can do something with them to make them presentable for uploading to show you; he's better at and more interested in computer stuff than I am.

Just light the touch paper and sit back and watch the show of how they can't believe it when you stick your foot down and don't give them that "quart of blood" anymore... One of my 'friends' was so incredulous and mystified at my new behaviour that she phoned a friend of a friend who was a psychiatric nurse for advice because she thought I must surely be losing my mind! Instead, of course, I was finding my mind.

 

@BloodMoon
It’s true. You are an international artist who has sold work someone else wanted. That’s amazing! I can’t wait to see it! I have always believed that not all the greatest artists (of any kind) are famous. Many just quietly share their work on a smaller scale. It all makes the world a better place. A world without art? None of us would survive that.

That’s a pretty crazy reaction from your “friend.” Quite eye opening! I am noticing a lot of shaming going on. I’m a bad person for not wanting to be available like I used to be. And frankly, I am getting more in touch with how much I don’t really even like these relationships. And I always told myself I did. I think that’s the most notable point right there. If you have to tell yourself you like something—anything—then you don’t, really. You are just trying to make yourself do something. And guess what? Mr. TMS comes knocking on the door for payment!

 

Yes, absolutely! Mr. TMS not only makes you pay, he also gives you the symptoms to try to stop you doing things that you don't really want to do and that, unfortunately, also stops you from doing the things that you do want to do.

 

You are so right! Hence, I’ve lost my hands! You know, the other day I started thinking hard about the exact project I was working on when my hands started cramping. And it was for a client that paid half of what I usually get, but I took a lot of work from them because they have a product I never usually write about (cybersecurity) and I thought it would be “good for me” to get the experience writing about it. In the end, it was really harder than I thought it would be. And the resentment built (against myself for pushing myself). And I did it because I’m always doubting I’ll make things work money-wise. And the irony is, now I can’t make any money at all. So I explored that and guess what it revealed? I never ever really wanted to write about all the “boring” stuff I’ve written about all these years. I always wanted to write much more creative stuff. Personal essays. Feature stories about topics I like. Travel stories. So I’m in touch with that now and wondering why can’t I actually have what I Really Want in life? Why does an element of punishment always have to be part of everything I do? My hands are wondering. My subconscious is definitely wondering. If God is gracious enough to help me to the other side of this: for once, I’m going to actually do what my heart yearns to do. When I first started writing that’s what I wanted. But somewhere along the way I just kept compromising.

 

I'm guessing that at some point you probably stopped doing any of the kind of writing that you love to do. If so, I wonder whether if you were to start doing some of the writing you enjoy, even in just a small way to start off with, purely for yourself and not necessarily for work, your brain might stop TMSing so much and release your hands. Perhaps, at first, you could use voice activated software to speak your words onto your computer or maybe you could just do some planning in your head for a travel story or whatever takes your fancy.

The other thing you might consider exploring, which I know we've touched on before, is whether there is something else you could do to bring in the money you need - for example, teach your writing craft or even do something completely different - something that your brain would likely be okay with (your enjoying your voluntary work might hint at a possible direction for you) and then later, when you feel better, you'll be able to do the creative writing that you love in your spare time. You will be able to find your way through and work this out.

 

Thanks so much for all your support and ideas! I have been thinking hard about alternatives and I am open to change, at this point—something I never thought I’d say. (I thought I had my plans all carved in stone. Obviously. Another TMS irritant.) It’s really amazing how getting TMS can actually be a good thing in some ways! All sorts of new ideas and directions open up!

Well, as far as money goes, I filed for my Social Security (money set aside by the government out of your paycheck for your older years). I didn’t want to do it early, because you don’t get as much. But I just decided to take the pressure off. It feels good to know this is coming.

I also found this cool book you can write longhand in and take a picture of the pages with an app. The app translates your writing into text and you can email it to yourself! I’ve been writing short stories for fun, and really loving it! It’s called Rocketbook. (I had no idea there was such a thing!)

I’ve used voice activated writing once before when I broke my hand. It works, but not perfectly so it requires a lot of cleanup. But it’s a good idea.

 

You're very welcome, but tbh I don't think I've suggested anything that you wouldn't have already thought of, but I know from experience that it can sometimes be helpful if an outsider, with no axe to grind, kind of 'solidifies' what we are already thinking we need to do.

You are a writer, of course, but I think it might be helpful to also view yourself in broader terms, especially when it comes to looking at alternatives, and I'd say that you are essentially an excellent 'communicator' (your enjoying your voluntary work and the way you relate to people on the forums tells me that).

I did something similar to what you are doing. When I found that I couldn't go on working I was too young to apply for my State Pension (the equivalent to your Social Security that we also pay into from our earnings) so I left my job and applied for State Disability Benefits instead, which, fortunately, I managed to get as I had been formally diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue (when I wasn't working I had to sleep the rest of my life away to be able to go to work) and Fibromyalgia Syndrome by a consultant rheumatologist and a pain specialist. I had to go through a hellish process of form filling and medicals to get those benefits though, and waiting to hear whether I'd been granted them after each regular 'review' that they did was always a worrying time, especially as our Government kept changing the criteria, making it harder and harder to qualify, but it was still better for me than struggling to work. (Fast forward, and I'm now of State Pension age, so my days of applying for benefits are over.)

Financially it would have been much better to have got my GP to keep issuing me sick notes and gone on long-term sick leave and for my employer to then have eventually dismissed me on the grounds of ill-health rather than just resigning my position as then there might have been a chance of me getting my occupational pension early, possibly with an 'ill-health bonus' added to it to make up somewhat for having to retire early. However, I knew that first there would be extreme pressure put on me by my employer for me to endeavour to return to work even though I wasn't well enough to even contemplate it and then other hoops to go through plus very exacting criteria to meet for that to possibly happen, and fighting such difficult battles would have killed me as I was already on my knees. Coulda, woulda, shoulda, be dashed! -- Sometimes, you just have to take a risk and 'miss out' in order to release the pressure, just as you have decided to do.
Even if I'd have known at that time that all or some of my symptoms were possibly TMS, I believe I would have still have done the same thing because I really disliked my job; I needed to get away from it and I also needed the time and headspace to work on my mental health.

So, anyway, all of the above is my very long-winded (and probably very boring!) way of saying that, personally, I think you're wise to file for your Social Security early.

I'm so glad to hear that you've found a great app to help. New technology can be such a wonderful thing!

 

@BloodMoon,

No, your story isn’t boring! Thank you for sharing it. It brings home how real the struggles are that we face. I’m sure most people on this app are facing similar choices, although people don’t talk about it (money issues) as much as other things.

I have had a lot of thoughts about disabled people and their difficulties since this happened to me. Because now I’m one. It’s weird to admit, because you hope it’s not permanent. But it certainly gives you a chance to sympathize with the brave souls born disabled or who otherwise have had it their whole lives.

During my early years working I was severely depressed and untreated for it. I used to just get by doing my work and was always struggling to hold down my jobs. Then later, I began seeing a therapist, And it helped. I also got onto antidepressants, which for me, were a lifesaver. I also went through some very difficult panic and anxiety problems while working.

So you had CF and fibromyalgia (all over TMS), and now you are symptom-free? That is an amazing success story! I was looking for your story but couldn’t find one. Do you have that anywhere on the app? Mine is on my profile.

It is wonderful talking with you and it really gives me hope, along with the others I’ve met here. When you aren’t alone with this, it changes everything. Plus the guidance is working. I really believe that it’s laying the groundwork for one of these days feeling better!

So, thank you so much!

 

I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint you as I'm not a complete success story (- yet!) so I've not written my story in the success stories forum. However, my CF is nothing like it once was and my muscle pain's decreased a lot.

I used to have to use a wheelchair most of the time, but I usually only need one now when I have to sit and wait for a long time, e.g. waiting in A&E (ER) to be seen, which can take hours, with only hard plastic, very uncomfortable waiting room chairs provided for patients to sit on, or when I have to see consultants regarding my non-TMS health issues (on our National Health Service, you can wait for hours past your appointment time; it's very rare to be seen on time).

I have had numerous other terribly disabling TMS symptoms over the years, however, that I've totally overcome (I guess I should list them on my profile, but I haven't got around to it). One of them was not being able to move my right hand due to excruciating pain in my thumb and wrist for over 9 months (I'm right handed and, for example, I couldn't brush my teeth with my right hand or wash my left armpit for myself for all of that time; my hand was like a useless claw) but now my right hand is fine (even though during those 9 months it felt like it would be crippled up forever). My past hand issues is why I relate so much to your situation.

You're dead right about people not very often mentioning financial issues caused by not being able to work or having to work in a low paid job or just part-time hours due to disability. Having money worries can serve to make TMS worse.

 

Oh my! I had no idea you could relate so well to my hand situation. Then you know how scary it is. That is wonderful it healed! Was it with the regular TMS healing methods?

I’m not disappointed. I’m sad for you that you aren’t totally healed yet. But I truly believe you will be! It’s possible. We know that. As long as we don’t give up!

 

This is what I wrote in another thread about my hand pain:

"One of my TMS symptoms was right hand wrist and thumb pain (and I'm right handed). One morning out of the blue (and for no apparent physical reason) my wrist and thumb started hurting. I knew it was TMS so I kept doing everything I would normally do, to include typing, but I ended up wishing I hadn't. The pain got worse and worse and worse and by the middle of the next day my hand was excruciatingly painful - and I really do mean excruciating - so much so that I couldn't do normal things like brush my teeth, wash my left armpit or wipe my derriere! In trying to move my wrist and thumb the pain was so intense that I felt faint and nauseous.

Then all I could do was to be determined to do what little I could despite the intense pain. In order to do this I had no choice but to wear a splinted wrist and thumb support which in restricting the movement of my thumb and wrist helped me to be able to still move my fingers a bit so that I could do at least some things for myself (without the splinted support I could do absolutely nothing with that hand, so I had no choice but to go against the general TMS advice to avoid using any disability aids). I then had to wait until my brain gave up on my hand and turned its attention to other parts of my body, which was over 9 months later -- Despite continuing with TMS work throughout all of this, my brain only gave up after I weakened and relented and Googled about the situation and started to think that I had something physically wrong called De Quervain's tenosynovitis (all the symptoms fitted, but the condition usually resolves itself and the symptoms had gone on much longer than De Quervain's tenosynovitis usually lasts for). I believe what saved me was that my brain didn't at all like the sound of the surgery that I had read is sometimes needed to resolve De Quervain's tenosynovitis -- it feared it!

So, my brain then gradually gave up giving me hand pain over the next few days and my hand was fully back to normal function after about a further 3 weeks."

Although I believe that the fear of surgery made my brain give up on giving me hand pain, I've had other, kind of similar, TMS symptoms that have gone away using regular mind/body work. For instance, I suddenly got left ankle pain for no apparent reason. It was so severe that I couldn't walk up and down the stairs in my house, so as our bathroom is upstairs, I lived in the bedroom (with my husband having to cook and bring me my meals etc) for about a month. I believe that particular pain eventually went away due to my practising somatic tracking and also regularly concentrating on my breath as a mindfulness meditation. Somatic tracking and mindfulness meditation concentrating on my breath also got me out of horrendous thigh pain that also suddenly appeared one day out of nowhere and for no apparent reason, and rendered me bed-bound for about 3 weeks.

This is it exactly - persistence pays off!