Is it bad to seek an apology from someone?

Whilst I agree with much of what you have written here, I do wonder why you chose to talk about 'over dwelling' etc., about the past on this particular thread and didn't start a new thread of your own to impart your experience and views. I say this because in this thread @HealingMe wrote about one particular hurtful comment from when she was a teenager (or that was made to her about when she was a teenager, I'm not sure which) that she rightly or wrongly decided to seek an apology and perhaps an explanation for from her mother. Imo there was no indication that she was being 'over indulgent', 'obsessing' etc.

Relationships are all about communication. If @HealingMe had received the kind of response from speaking to her mother as I did when I spoke to my father about a past hurt (as I describe above) this would have been healing for @HealingMe and good for their relationship. And time will tell, but if @HealingMe's mother were to respond to her in future in a more circumspect and respectful way - like my mother did towards me after I brought up my past hurts with her (also as I describe above) - then that could make for a better relationship between them (if @HealingMe's mother isn't already now generally circumspect, respectful and kind to her as an adult). (And, yes, I do recognise, as I have also said in my posting above, that getting a helpful response is often not forthcoming and therefore might well prove to be a waste of time, but personally I think, from my own experience, it can be worth a try at least once to see if it makes a difference to a relationship.)

Also, I have to say that I have read a lot of the postings on that original TMS forum site that you mention and imo what an absolutely awful atmosphere, for the most part, there was on there! If anyone dared to say that they were improving or they had gotten better through using different techniques in addition to or instead of purely with what Dr Sarno advised, they usually received some very unpleasant and often quite nasty responses. There were a lot of imo Sarno 'zealots' on there who didn't care who they upset and seemed imo to get their kicks out of upsetting people, which I am certain will have put a lot of people off from going down the TMS/mind/body route. That site may have helped a number of people but will have put off many more. I therefore hope the forums on this Wiki never go down that route.

 

@HealingMe I think you were very brave and should celebrate that. A nice dessert, a drink of your choice, quality time with your family, anything... you deserve it!

 

I’m going to throw in my 2 cents here. First, I appreciated the article on forgiveness posted by @Duggit Thank you!

@Mala - I agree. I have discovered that over-dwelling on the past has harmed me at times. But it’s also difficult to tell where that line is sometimes, especially when you’re in the thick of it. In the end, it’s still a process of experimentation to find that right balance.

Overall, I feel this forum is absolutely about facing emotional and psychological issues and having the vulnerability to discuss them in the safe environment of the forum. Healing from TMS is foremost a psychological process. Personally, sharing about relationships and past hurts here has greatly helped me gain insight, healing and has helped me move forward. Of course, anyone not interested in these topics can obviously skip reading my posts. But I don’t believe these topics should be banned. I’m disappointed that @HealingMe met with anything less than complete support for sharing her thoughts, life and feelings. Even if you disagree with her process, and would like to counsel her otherwise, it can still be done in a compassionate way.

Everyone has SUCH A UNIQUE journey and experience with TMS. Different symptoms, different causes, different pasts, different circumstances. It’s not as easy for some of us to just “get physical” and heal. For some of us, we can barely move. (That’s me!) And there are lots of barriers to movement that I have had (and still have) to overcome. But I don’t give up hope. Many here have clawed their way out of worse circumstances than mine.

I think when offering advice, we shouldn’t assume that whatever worked for us is going to work the exact same way for someone else.

That said: we are better together!!! All advice is so useful here. Each person can weave that advice together into a successful path of their own. ❤️

 

@HealingMe
Why should this situation be a “mistake”?
It’s learning, and we all learn by doing. Yes, I think seeking out apologies can backfire.
It did with me. Last year, around this time, someone messaged me to tell me I was horribly mean and a judgemental person. This stemmed from a conversation, where I posed the question asking if forgiveness would help them move on from constant rage and obsessive fixation on dead relatives, and that she could not control the living relatives to behave or think the way she wanted. I explained inner rage.
Of course that ended up festering because at the time I did not realize that her multiple diagnoses probably included narcissism (or should have).
Well, at first I apologized but then things went on and on…seeking more apologies. By then I saw it all clearly and ended the relationship.
Their seeking an apology really ended up in smoke because it was about them.
But.. the whole situation was a great way for me to deal with many emotions (and recognize how some relationships are just way too stressful to keep). I wrote an unsent letter, dealt with occasionally guilt by feeling the emotions and moved on.
Journaling is not a bad thing. One person’s experience and view is not that of others. I personally don’t journal much but have a book and space ready when I need to. Journaling as you know helps us express the emotion and learn to feel it and not have to constantly confront others about our emotions (learning to do this is such a fine balance). But people who deal with TMS the best seem to be folks who never stop utilizing TMS practices while they live life.
And I’d like to point out that this is exactly what you are doing. Living life isn’t just doing. It’s being in relationships full of goodness and of the guck of life and navigating it all.
You are doing it!

 

I couldn't agree more, Diana-M!

Indeed. In support of this one only has to read the success stories on the success story forum and to watch/listen to the success story testimonials on Helmut's and also Dan's YouTube channels to realise that people lose their TMS pain and other symptoms in all manner of ways, using and often combining all kinds of mind/body approaches and techniques.

 

I appreciate everyone's thoughtful responses. I found them very insightful. Lots of good advice, lots of good reminders, and just generally a good discussion. Thank you.

 

Thanks Jan!

I ended up using the Unsent Letter idea which felt good to address everything toward my mom. I'm relieved and I'm choosing to let things go and move on with my life. I'm choosing to be happy/create my happiness.