Learned pathways and neuroplasticity is a medical dead end.

Baby, you got it!
That’s a brilliant summary. You possess great insight and a great attitude, both of which bode well. TMS is often described as the knowledge cure but I consider it to rest more upon understanding and then compassionately translating that into your own experience. As you note, we don’t need to know the minutiae, although it’s interesting to chat about it, but we do need to “get it”. (I’m a slow learner and struggled with it for the longest time).

I hope you continue to post and share your thoughts because your words are a joy.

Here’s to you and your healing,

Plum x

 

Thank you for your response, @plum.

I have done the Alan Gordon program and I found it helped some. I also agree that a multi-faceted approach has helped me more than focusing solely on the writing side of things (and yes, I agree that it's almost impossible if not totally impossible to find that memory or trauma that set us off in the first place).

Right now I'm reading Dr Schubiner's book "Unlearn Your Pain" and while there seems to be an awful lot of writing exercises given in the book, which I found overwhelming (and which I did NOT do), Dr Schubiner did state early in the piece that the writing exercises are merely suggestions to help the reader, but that not every exercise has to be done nor does one have to do the writing exercises at all; and it may be that all they need is to do mindfulness and some relaxation meditations, etc. I found some great affirmations to use so I can talk to the brain and reassure it that I'm in control and therefore I don't need the brain to keep sending the pain signals. I found that this has worked in some instances (but I've only just begun to do this in earnest). I also discovered that Dr Schubiner mentions the work of Eckhart Tolle. This was great to see because I have been helped a lot by Tolle's writings, and the way he sees things.

Like you, and others on this forum, I'm trying different things to see what works, plus I'm learning to accept that sometimes certain things will not work and, rather than get frustrated or angry, I try to distract myself instead. My need to FEEL SAFE is my number one goal. When I feel safe I notice I have less pain and of course I'm more relaxed. It's obvious to me that I haven't felt safe from a very young age (my father used to beat my brother and me with a leather belt, and he used the buckle end to boot). I grew up hating my father and at the same time "walking on eggshells" as it were, never knowing when his temper might explode. This was the perfect set up for my hypervigilant ways.

In fact, I can go even farther back than this. Believe it or not, I can remember a traumatic occurrence from when I was only 1 week old! For years and years I used to have this memory pop into my mind, but I always dismissed it as I thought it was impossible to remember something that happened when I was so young, but one day I told my mother that I remembered this, and she confirmed it. This left me feeling astounded. Amazing how memories can hang around from the time we are born (and even when we're still in the womb). When I was born, it was the custom to have the ears pierced of a baby girl (as family and friends always gave tiny gold studs as gifts to the new baby). Anyway, I had this memory all my life that I'm lying on the kitchen table on top of a blanket; I'm only about 7 days old, and this woman sticks a needle through each of my earlobes to pierce the ears. I'm screaming in pain and crying, and I can remember my mother helping to hold me and looking on. But all I see is the face of the woman who pierced my ears and I can remember the horror and the pain I felt.

I now believe this was the start of my "feeling UNSAFE" phase, which marked most of my life up to the present. Unlike Helen, however, it didn't make a bit of difference that I remembered this and other traumas. Also, regarding expressing anger, I have always possessed a bit of an aggressive streak in order to defend myself, and this is how I survived the bullies, and later my first husband (who made the mistake to try and choke me). My father also made this mistake when I was 18 years of age, but by this time I had some years of martial arts behind me and for the first time in my life I was ready for him. I broke the choke hold and pushed him away, telling him that if he ever touched me again I'd kill him. My first husband fared worse because we were at the beach and I punched him in the stomach really hard and then left him at the beach (to walk all the way home) while I drove off. Needless to say, neither he nor my father ever tried to touch me again.

But what I still fail to understand now is that everyone talks about letting out unexpressed anger, and yet I expressed my anger in so many ways over the years--and no, I didn't make a habit of going around bashing people--but I did manage to put a few bullies and sexual harassers in their place. Anyway, I feel I have more than expressed my anger in many ways, and I was never one to keep quiet either. I always told people what I thought, even if it meant having a big argument with a family member, a boss, or whoever. So you might say "I escaped, and even overcame, the proverbial lion" many times; but here I am, still battling with TMS pain.

What I do find helpful is understanding the mechanism of how the brain creates neural pathways for pain/anxiety/fear and how one can change this through a whole bunch of modalities, eg, meditation, pleasurable activities, learning new things, using visualisation, communing with nature, listening to classical music (especially Mozart!), and trying to live in the moment as much as I can. I also write fiction and this is a great outlet at times because my characters can do anything in my stories, and I get lost in my characters' lives. So you may say all this is a multi-faceted approach.

I also recognise that my biggest enemies are fear and anxiety, and I'm working on this as well, but I find that sometimes I become frustrated when I slip back or when I lose fear of one symptoms and another one pops up its ugly head. Out of the 34 TMS conditions (or mindbody syndromes--MBS or psychophysiological disorders--PPDs) I have about 11 of them. In a way, they are like the Hydra: If you cut off one hydra head, two more grow back in its place. And this, my friend, is the nature of TMS (at least for me).

In conclusion, I will not be engaging in all the writing exercises or talking to a therapist (during past years I tried several, at great cost to my pocket too, and this did not help me either). I think it was Steven Ozanich who mentioned Carl Jung? Well, Carl Jung used to consult the tarot cards as well, and so do I. I even consult the I Ching. I'm open-minded and I'll try anything... well, almost, but I'm still not quite there

 

Aw, thanks plum! I do very much appreciate the kind words. It's taken me a good while to get to this point, but I feel like taking part and posting on this forum is hastening my understanding (and hopefully my recovery!). So I'll definitely continue to post.

I'll also just quickly say that I visited your profile where you have your story, and read it through. Firstly - thanks for the link to the Yin Yoga! I've been thinking of trying yoga for a while, especially since it provides a good compliment to running. It also seems to make sense from a healing perspective, because:

1) We need to feel our emotions.
2) Our emotions express themselves within the body.
3) Yoga is about connecting and being one with the body (at least, from what I gather).
4) Therefore, yoga can help us connect with our emotions.

Secondly, while I seem to be a little more clear now on things in a conceptual sense, how to go about breaking the mechanism of repression still feels a little mystifying. That said, your story has really helped me here. Reading that I don't need to necessarily go searching for emotions, but rather just feel them when they come, is definitely reassuring. I'm still a little unsure as to what feeling your feelings really constitutes - I know when I'm angry, I feel angry when I'm angry, yet I clearly still repress anger and have issues with rage (the times it's exploded out, often without warning, is testament to that) - but I'm sure I'll get there in time. I suppose the answer here is that the anger I'm aware of, I'm aware of. Yet there must be a lot of anger I'm not aware of. Opening up the awareness to that anger is crucial. Though how to open up my awareness in order to feel the emotions I currently repress is what has me perplexed! But as I say, I'll get there. A lot that confused me no longer does, so there's no reason I won't eventually figure this part out also.

One of my major issues is that I put a huge amount of pressure on my self, as well as often getting really angry with myself. Yet, unfortunately, I feel completely unaware of when I'm treating myself badly. Often, I've had people say to me, 'you know, you really do put a lot of pressure on yourself,' and I'm like, 'wait, really?' It's definitely one of my learned behaviours - I've been this way since I was a child. I almost feel that the physical sensation of pressure that I've had in my head constantly for a year and a half now is analogous to the mental pressure I put myself under. When I meditate, this pressure often ramps up in intensity, often dramatically. I can feel all of the tension I'm putting myself under in my head, especially in my lower face, and it feels like my head is going to pop. My attempts to release this tension have so far been fruitless, but I feel I'm getting closer. Awareness of the self, and what is happening within the self, is what is important.

 

Hi Ren,

I can relate to your bit about expressing anger. I've never had an issue expressing anger, and yet I have to wonder if there is some mysterious angry emotion so deep within my subconscious that I cannot feel it. This is one of the biggest issues I've been trying to figure out for a long time now. I wonder if perhaps being too angry and expressing too much anger is just as bad as repressing it.

 

Feeling unsafe will trigger your fight or flight response and for TMS'ers that can mean pain as the brain does not differentiate between emotional and physical danger. You have addressed a lot of repressed emotions like anger and other traumas so well done. You have made great progress already. Keep going and find your way to make yourself feel safe and whole again. It can be simply catching those anxious, fear driven thoughts and challenging them with reassuring positive ones. This is a wonderful journey learning to self care and love yourself.

 

I'm grateful for your advice, @birdsetfree. Feeling safe is definitely a biggie for me and I've been doing a lot toward this, even moving from where I used to live and getting a more "secure" place where I will feel safer. Financially, I don't feel very safe as these days I don't work as I cannot commit to a timetable as I never know how I'm going to feel from one moment to the next, and so I live on my dwindling savings, at least for the time being. This represents fear of my financial future, but I am slowly working on this too. I guess it doesn't help that outside circumstances can create so much stress on top of dealing with the pain and the emotions.

 

I can only imagine how unsettling this situation would feel. You are however taking steps to take care of yourself and find ways to protect and soothe yourself physically and emotionally. That is very brave. With a step by step plan you can get on top of this even more with finances etc. You are also addressing your emotional wellbeing by tackling your past traumas and fear and by all the work you are doing on this forum to gain a greater understanding of yourself. Well done! Keep up the great work!

 

Thank you. I hope one day I will banish all this.

 

Hello @JanAtheCPA

That is an excellent point, and one which was brought up by a rather intuitive counsellor I saw some years ago. It never occurred to me to hold my mother accountable for not protecting my brother and me against my father's temper rages. Interestingly, my father never hit my mother; he took it out on his young children instead. By the time this counsellor brought up the subject of my mother, it was too late to confront her because she'd passed away a few years prior. Despite this, I wrote her a letter as a writing exercise, telling her how this made me feel. But while she was alive I brought up with my mother how what my father did damaged us, and even back then she could not validate this. She actually went on to say, "Yes, always blame the parents, why don't you!" So I never brought it up with her any more, and at the time it never occurred to me to tell her that she was just as much to blame.

As for my father, I wrote him a letter while he was still alive and I actually sent it to him. He never replied directly, but my mother (who was still alive at the time) had a go at me for writing what I did, and how much I'd upset him. Well, excuse me for standing up for the child I used to be at age five. I think they were both in denial.

 

The need to feel safe. Physically abusive father. Mother who didn’t protect me but instead told me I deserved any punishment I received. I deserved pain. Dad no longer around to provide it so I manufacture it myself. I woke up today with an almighty pain in my neck. I read the latter part of this thread and it struck chords. Just swinging by to say ‘Hi’. I am still here. Still a work in progress.

 

Hello @yb44

I'm so sorry you're in pain. The fact that part of this thread struck a chord shows how very powerful TMS can be and how the brain never forgets. All we can do is keep on working on ourselves, love ourselves, and above all nurture a feeling of safety within ourselves.

There's a strategy I came up with that may not always work, but more often than not it does--I have a corner of my sofa which I call "my safety corner" and it is full of nice cushions, it has a nice lamp beside it with a small table and all the stuff I need to keep me occupied: a book, a writing pad and pens, nice smelling oils, my phone, my TV/DVD remote control, my mp3 player, etc. I curl up in my safety corner every afternoon and I take up some kind of "me" activity, such as reading a nice book or listening to music, or even falling asleep over the cushions, and I tell myself that while I'm in my safety corner I AM SAFE AND MY BRAIN CAN RELAX AND STOP SENDING TMS SIGNALS. I say this to myself with conviction and it has now become a habit so I don't even have to say it anymore, my brain simply seems to know. And this is the corner where I also have my dinner and watch my TV from. In fact, I spend a lot of time in this corner bacause I always feel safe when I'm here (good thing I only live with my cat, so I don't have to cook for anyone or eat with anyone else). In this corner, I am at peace and usually the pain decreases or it goes away altogether. The only other being allowed to sit with me in my safety corner is my kitty. No one else sits there, and even when I have visitors I make sure I make them sit elsewhere while I sit in my corner.

This is one of my strategies, which I came upon by accident. I spent so much time in this, my favourite spot, that one day I said to myself, "Hey, I feel safe here, I am relaxed here, and I feel better when I sit here."

Therefore, if you haven't got one already, perhaps you will find yourself a spot you can call your safety corner. No one can touch you in the safety corner and you are in total control and at peace.

Sending love and safety vibes from Australia!

 

Syl, perhaps you will be interested to know (if you don't already) that two of your fellow Australians have done a deep dive into things that make one feel safe versus things that make one feel unsafe, and the relationship of that to pain, in their short book: Butler & Moseley, Explain Pain: Protectometer (2017).

 

Thanks. I am very familiar with Explain Pain and the Protectometer. I've even been corresponding with David Butler, the co-author of the books. Got lots of advice from him. The good thing I like about Explain Pain/Protectometer and also the work of San Francisco's therapist, Michael Moskowitz (he works with brain maps and pure neuroplasticity) is that one doesn't have to write about past traumas and do heaps of writing exercises. I've already written about my past (many, many times) as well as events that upset me even in the present, and frankly I'm all "written out" I worked with the Protectometer and I found this didn't work too well for me, but I've taken what helped me from this book and the rest I've taken from the work of Michael Moskowitz. There are a few things I've taken from Unlearn Your Pain by Dr Schubiner, and this is mostly the dialogues I have with my brain. The book is great, but it does contain many writing exercises that I found overwhelming (even if I could keep up with them). In all fairness to Dr Schubiner, however, he does explain that some people do not need to write and that simply having the dialogues with the brain and practising mindfulness can do the trick too. And so I take a bit from every book in order to reprogram or rewire the brain. Sometimes it feels like there's two of me in one body, the real me, and Lizard (as I call my reptilian brain)

 

I just moved to my ‘forever home’. I am completely on my own so hope to make the whole house into a safe haven. No one can ask me to leave because I own it outright. I have moved three times in the last two years, the first, out of my former marital home of 20+ years.

I have been thinking a lot about personal boundaries as well. I have severed ties with two others apart from my Ex. These relationships caused much angst, inner turmoil and downright rage that often bubbled to the surface. I would find myself lost in thought, stomping around, throwing things, muttering harsh words to them, sometimes out loud. This has been very freeing. I am being firm with newer friendships so I don’t fall into the same trap.

I haven’t read the Explain Pain book. Not sure what a protectometer is. Sounds like something from Back to the Future. I have, however, read The Brain’s Way of Healing (fascinating) in which the first chapter is devoted to Michael Moskowitz. My overall impression of his methods was it sounded like a lot of effort to visualise a map of the brain. I like the don’t-work-too-hard approach to healing. Whatever works for the individual. We all have to find our own path.

Thank you for the much needed Aussie hug, Syl.

 

Wow! I can't imagine what it's like living for 20 years in the same home. My longest marital home only lasted for just under 7 years. From my early 20s until the present time I moved around 21 times; this would be an average of one move per every two years. I am about to move yet again, and this time it will be my "forever" home unless I win Lotto, in which case I can then move to a villa in Tuscany

I can relate to your having severed ties (aside from your ex). I severed many friendships when I realised people were using me. I've always been a really helpful person, and I will go the extra mile to help people (this is one of the personality traits that gets TMS--being helpful to the point were we sometimes inconvenience ourselves). The thing is, I'm a person of strong integrity and honour and if I say I'm going to do something, I do it. Unfortunately, I have found that these traits have set me up for a lifetime of disappointment with so-called friends and even with my only living family in Australia--my brother (mind you, he's married to an extremely manipulative woman who really dislikes me, despite the fact that I've always tried to befriend her. This is a long story, however, and I won't bore you with it).

My point is that the very traits that are considered to be good qualities in a person are the very traits that have isolated me from many people and have set me up for TMS symptoms. I read somewhere that if one doesn't want to get TMS one has to be like a psycho or narcissist--you know, with very shallow feelings and totally self-serving. This is why many evil people usually live to old age and have very few health problems. Certain politicians come to mind, but I won't name any names

My challenge has been to become less kind and generous, and even though I find it difficult to hold back on this I must always remind myself not to put myself out too much, otherwise I end up suffering. But I don't want to be evil either. Mind you, this experience (of being used by others) has made me very cynical about humankind and I now find it difficult to trust anyone, or if someone is kind to me I always look for the motive as to why they were kind. This is a struggle I've lived with for years and I believe this contributes to my TMS. But what do I do? If I'm nice, I get disappointed, hurt or used; if I'm nasty, I'm acting against my better nature. This is indeed a conundrum.

The Protectometer is a workbook, which is the companion to Explain Pain. It's basically a guide, which one uses along with Explain Pain, and it has some exercises to do (and no, there are no writing assignments). The authors have a sense of humour, and they made it fun--almost like a game. They have these coloured sticky notes and there's an exercise that they call DIM SIMs. DIM, which stands for "danger in me" and SIM, which stands for "safety in me". The point of the exercise is to identify what your brain sees as threats or safety, and they have like a fold-out board in the book with labels such as: things you hear, smell, taste, and touch; things you do; things you say; places you go; things you think and believe; things happening in your body; people in your life. And so you write on your sticky note what you determine in each of these areas to be a DIM or a SIM, and there is a score thingy that tells you where you are on that day in terms of pain. The point of the exercise is that over time you will reduce the DIMs and increase the SIMs. It's a good exercise to do and one that helps to reprogram your brain. So for instance, say in "places you go" you might write "travelling by bus", and you put this down as a DIM because your pain gets worse if you travel on a bus, but over time, by working on yourself, understanding what is happening in your brain, and through graded exposure, the DIM can be converted to a SIM, and so now "travelling by bus" becomes safe and you enjoy it. So now you managed to convert a DIM into a SIM.

Anyway, the book is full of simple and easy to understand information about how the brain works, but it's much deeper than it seems. Explain Pain, in the meantime, is the actual book that explains exactly what happens in your brain when pain becomes chronic.

The Moskowitz workbook is full of excellent information, too, and there are only two brain maps to really work with: one of them is how the normal brain is really supposed to look and the other is the brain in chronic pain. The whole idea is to look at these two pictures and you can affirm that you are shrinking the pain centres of the brain in chronic pain so that your brain now looks like the normal brain. Or you can simply keep looking at the picture of the normal brain and say out loud "If my brain looks like this, I can feel NO pain". According to Moskowitz, just by looking at this one picture activates the visual cortex of your brain and the more you affirm and look at this picture, the more rewiring you start doing, until one day your brain will really look like the normal brain. But the workbook is full of excellent strategies one can employ to "distract" the brain (especially during pain spikes), and it's full of excellent information. Again, there are no writing exercises or looking at past traumas. This is also an excellent book.

Okay, sorry I talked my head off. See? I'm being helpful! But the good thing is that I have found nothing but helpful people on this forum, and so you yourself, and everyone on this thread, has given me hope that there are many of us who are kind and try to help others--the irony is that by doing this we are the ones who suffer. Go figure!

 

Thank you, Syl, for taking the time to explain these concepts. I am on the same page as you with regard to the conundrum. How far do I put myself out for people before they begin to drain/use me? I don’t want to be a hermit. I want to bring my safe space with me wherever I go.

 

In a word, Boundaries.
This has been one of the most (if not the most) important aspect of my healing.

Here’s a link to a great website which will take you to a variety of articles on this subject.

https://tinybuddha.com/?s=Boundaries+ (You searched for Boundaries - Tiny Buddha)

The other essential element of this was realising how profoundly empathic I am, and learning how to both nurture and protect this gift. It’s very much an organic, responsive, intuitive practice for me. I still tend to over-give but I’m getting much better at saying no, and recognising then acting upon the urge to step back well before I am drained bone dry. As the saying goes, we must fill our own cup first then share the overflow with others.

I had a real tussle with this during the early part of this year. I was really struggling finding a balance. One day my brother said “you’re not responsible for other people”, and it hit the mark. It’s a phrase I call to mind when I sense myself beginning to shoulder other people’s problems. It’s important because aside from draining ourselves, we deny them the opportunity to learn and grow from the situation. This is something that plays out on this forum as Reassurance Seeking. Kudos to @Dorado and @JanAtheCPA for their excellent discussions on this matter.

Boundaries are a vital part of self-care and rest upon our self-esteem. The tiny Buddha site linked above also has some interesting articles on people-pleasing which I found illuminating. This is also the flip side of vulnerability. I once had a friend who said I was the most open person he knew. At the time I thought this was a compliment (which it was), but I see it through very different eyes now and realise in truth that I simply had no boundaries at all. Much of it was what Pete Walker calls the Fawn Response. His work on Chronic PTSD is life-changing. I highly recommend it as it helps in the sorting of wheat from the chaff.

http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm (Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy)

Plum x

 

I'm practising "ambivalence" when things like this happen. It takes time to master this and some people, like my brother, can really tick me off at times. But I'm working on taking things in my stride without having people like him this get on my nerves. Unfortunately, this morning it didn't work, and we had a bit of spat and my anger bubbled over. So I then told myself off for letting him get under my skin. It was bad enough I was already with IBS pain, plus yesterday I had a pudendal neuralgia flare.

Anyway, it took a while to calm myself down and remind myself that I'm worthwhile and I should allow self-centred people like my brother (and his manipulative wife) treat me as if I'm simply an afterthought. The only reason I made peace with my brother (after many breaks that we had in the past over the same issue) is because he is my only family in Australia and he has a young daughter with whom I want to bond. But I get nothing but interference from both my brother and his wife, and so I wonder if it's even worth trying any more. They're always too busy to let me see my niece, and it's easier to get an audience with the Pope than to make a time to have one hour with my niece. This problem alone has been plaguing me for a long time now, but if I cut myself off completely from their lives I will be totally isolated as I don't have close friends (they're very difficult to find).

I'm about to move soon, but next year I plan to do some volunteer work visiting elderly people who are living on their own, and I'm sure they will appreciate a chat over a cuppa. I realise I must do what I can to make contact with the outside world.

 

Thank you for sharing this @plum. While I agree 100% with what you say, I find myself in this quandary about cutting off my brother from my life. Please read my response to @yb44, which is just before you last post on this thread. I find myself between a rock and a hard place so to speak. I see my brother very little and my niece even less. My brother is married to a very manipulative woman, and it is she who runs the household. It's bad enough trying to ring him at home (she always finds a reason to interrupt our conversation so he has to get off the phone) let alone trying to make a time to see him and catch up with my five-year-old niece. It's a long story, but needless to say my brother's my only family in Australia and this makes matters so much harder for me. And so this is a problem that I haven't yet been able to overcome