Learned pathways and neuroplasticity is a medical dead end.

Thanks, @plum , for the link to Tiny Buddha. I haven't looked at that site for a while. It lead me down an interesting rabbit hole. I tried to find a passage in one of the articles that I wanted to quote but can't find it now. There are many great words of wisdom.

By the way, I am conscious of this thread taking on a life of its own far from the original topic. Aren't we breaking one of the site's rules? Maybe a savvy mod will come along (@JanAtheCPA) and sort this out.

I have had some revelations recently spurred on by therapy. Since childhood I have felt unwanted, unloved and surplus to requirements. Poor attachment to caregiver and all that. This has been a recurrent theme throughout my life. How did I feel when I decided to leave my home country? See above. How did I feel in the marriage? See above. How did I feel once the marriage ended? See above. Even in employment I have felt surplus to requirements including in my current job. I really like it, the employer (a university) and colleagues. However there is simply not enough to keep me engaged for the 26 hours I work. I have asked and asked for more work to no major avail. I don't want to leave. I want to see this out so I am trying to reframe my limiting belief.

This negative belief is intertwined with my lack of boundaries. I have a knack of latching on to needy people because the part of me that craves to be wanted and needed is satisfied, even if it is ultimately to my overall detriment. Having recognised this, I know I have to tread carefully. I have a recent acquaintance who is going through a tough time. She too has had more than her fair share of heart-ache. I empathise with her but in the end, I cannot fix her. She's someone else I can try and support but also someone who can potentially cause me frustration as anything I do or say will have no effect. She has to reach a point where she wants to help herself. It took me nearly three years until now when I finally came to the conclusion, sod it, I am going to look after me because if I don't, no one else will.

Syl, that does sound like a rock and a hard place. I don't have the answers. I have an estranged sister. I gave up trying to engage her a good while ago.

 

@yb44, interesting your saying you are attracted to needy people. I, on the other hand, have been attracted to emotionally stunted men who DID NOT need me but who I thought needed me to rescue them. Boy, what drugs was I on thinking I could somehow "rescue" them? As for friends, yes, most of my friends came from a place of "needing" and I always saw myself as their rescuer, but like you, no matter what advice or help I offered they simply used me but never really changed anything in their lives. So now I draw myself in check when I see someone needy or who needs rescuing. I'm always happy to suggest where they may be able to seek help, but I will no longer be drawn into their drama. I have my own to contend with. And yes, I come from a background that made me feel unwanted or I felt that I was like "surplus" or even a last option, such as if someone has nothing better to do then they call me (and this is how things are with my brother at present).

The good news is that I have now turned my attention to myself and I was lucky to find a Meetup group in my area for coffee and chatting on Sundays, and so I am meeting new people again. I'm not going to become attached to any of them, however, and will only be a coffee friend/acquaintance. Small steps, right? Next year I plan to become a volunteer visitor for older people who live home alone and who don't get out much due to health issues or because they have no friends. I think this will fulfill my need to do something productive and at the same time help both myself and the person I visit.

 

@JanAtheCPA I'm tech-savvy but know nothing about moving threads. This thread commenced with talking about emotions/feelings and how they affect the body. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't we talking about the same thing? Anyway, if you move this thread please let us know where we can find the new thread. I'm still relatively new when navigating this particular forum. Thank you

 

Not to worry, @JanAtheCPA. I'm not even sure if any one else is going to reply. Anyway, it would be good to have a thread of the challenges we face with applying the principles of TMS (and I'm sure there are many threads out there, but they may be dated too). Any suggestions?