Mommy is Killing me.

Yep. Mom , dad and offspring are the only people we are connected to Physically. DNA. Survive. Fight, feed, breed, ties into the foundational fabric of our existence. You can change a spouse , but you can't change your parents or your kids...ever.
That is why being OUTCAST and being SHUNNED were the ultimate penalty in early civilizations...worse than death even. (Read "Clan of the cave bear"...she did a lot of research before her later books turned to drek)
A lot of these things don't make any sense to our 'rational, nice civilized adult self' but we aren't really all that far from subsistence farming and hunting in an evolutionary sense. Things like the DSM create an illusion of an uber advanced life from, but we're not.

Every time I look at Sarno's lists of "civilized' vs "Wild' aka ID vs MOSES, I get new insights into myself and the world at large. Staring at my ID always digs out TMS makers. Basic survival. Fundamental basic Animal instincts.

 

I think the issue running through this thread is victimhood, which plays a huge role in TMS in my opinion. That was what I had to give up to recover. Yes, we have to admit the rage that we feel, but ultimately we have to look underneath it to what is generating it. And ultimately it's some form of anger about the injustice we feel is being inflicted on us, whether it's from the past or happening currently. Yes, it is justified when you're a helpless child and adults are abusing you or not meeting your needs. But eventually we have to take responsibility for our own well being. We have to accept that our body is not torturing us, nor is the past, or the people in our lives currently, or our economic situation, etc. It is our mind, our thinking, that is doing it. We're doing it to ourselves. We have to accept this and change our mind to change our body.

I'm not trying to imply that life isn't hard, and that it's not harder for some people than others. The kind of shit that humans have to deal with is astounding and it's all meted out unfairly. But we have to deal with reality and not how we think things should be. Acceptance is key.

 

I very blatantly fear retaliation. I got well back in 2008 and after three years I experienced very sudden, severe and devastating retaliation, mostly financial. I wound up living with barely enough money for groceries, having to save up to buy a cheap t-shirt, traumatized, isolated etc.

I have NEVER seen this adequately addressed by ANY online or other 'healing gurus'. They like to say it's just a fear, if you fear it it's just in your head, "take a risk!!" bla bla bla.

The entire financial side of what your life is going to be like when you 'heal' is left out, any financial dependencies are supposed to be something you can overcome with your 'dream job', bla bla bla. Infuriating.

 

@Ellen ,
I’m glad you brought this up. This morning while journaling about this I started musing of various ways I could handle this situation with my son— ways I could not play the victim. There are a few ways, but each has a fairly high price. (Not as high as I’m currently paying in TMS,I don’t think.) Another is to forgive him daily. Let it go. Life isn’t fair. (But I guess my caveman brain wants it to be.) These family dynamics are hard to wrap your head and heart around. But over time, I believe you can find a calm resting place.

 

Ybird,
I don’t get what happened. How did your life take a financial downturn after you healed? And why?

 

This is good. Great quote!

 

It was a complicated thing, basically I lost support from one parent (aging father), and the other one (narcissist mother), who had long promised me to help , saw that I had 'recovered my health', and said 'no help for you any more, get a job'.

The main issue was that the healer I had worked with a) said to define myself as well in order to stay well. While this had an 'encouragement' function ,it wasn't really true, I was not well enough to hold down a job . He also b) had mislead me by not mentioning that he himself was still receiving social assistance for HIS CFS. He made it seem like he was living off his healing practice when he wasn't.

The entire foundation of this 'recovery' I made was false; I couldn't cope with working. After 14 years of moderate -to- severe CFS, sorry, it;s just not realistic.

And my narcissist mother, of whom I ought to have been much more careful, was so enraged by my having fun, being healthy and well, , that she got her revenge, telling me I could go to the food bank if I didn't have enough money, etc etc.

There are a few more layers to it than that, but anyways. Thanks for asking, Diana.

 

That’s terrible, @Ybird ! I see what you mean now. You healed, but there was a price. Having a narcissist in your family is extremely destructive. I’m not surprised you struggled with that situation. That’s awful that you were betrayed by the person helping you to heal. Even more for you to get over! It’s good that you’re making some progress, though. It shows how strong you are.

 

thanks.

 

Yep. That is at the end of LOTS of my anger list stuff. I have ended up completely cut-off from the world homeless a couple of times in my life so I know it is very real.

It is in my anger about AGING. It is in my Anger about Family. It is in my Anger about my own choices and dis-interest in 'the race'.
I worked with a guy once who said "You don't wanna still be doing this when Your 50 do you?"
Well, i am almost 60 and Yes, I am still doing it. That is a blessing, but I don't always like it.
So, I guess sometimes I get mad at GOD and Being.

As long as I am aware of that, No TMS.... But it's hard to feel that existential terror all the time and our brain does all sorts of stuff to cover it

 

Eckhart Tolle states that when faced a situation we don't like we have 3 options. 1) Change the situation 2) Leave the situation, or 3) Accept the situation.

It seems to me that with adult family members, acceptance is often the only choice. Forgiveness = letting stuff go = acceptance

 

I really like your idea! It does seem like the best way. But one thing I’ve noticed is Complicated is what you do before you forgive and after you forgive. Some people say you need to know what you’re forgiving in which case you need to know what you’re angry about first. Problem with this is it makes you angry and sometimes that lingers! But then ultimately, I think letting it go is the only way to get peace. After that, should you continue interacting with this person and allowing them to keep hurting you. With adult family members, this is a complicated question because it will involve the whole family to some extent. For example in my case, do I want to avoid my son and then have my grandsons feel funny about why grandma won’t talk to their dad. Not an easy situation at all! And it is one that is fully made me sick in my body because I’m holding so much emotion and anger and sorrow. I’ve been limping along, trying to solve this while at the same time trying to heal myself. My body is still fully lit up with TMS a year later.

 

I feel like a lot of what Eckhart Tolle is saying is worked through IF you use the tools that Sarno's work implies.....Inspecting your anger.

I also feel that sometimes we fool ourselves about values. I could use my Brother as an example. The Last honest interaction we had was when I was 16 and he was 18 and we beat the piss out of each other.

We have played 'polite detente' for several decades.
I just do not like him. He is a dick always.
It is also interesting that he is one of the few people I never made amends with via the 12 step program. I tried but he prevented me....almost like getting to the core of the matter scared the bejesus out of him. I have noticed that all of the relationships where the amends didn't happen, are the ones that still make me angry.

Recently He snapped at me....He was going in for heart Surgery and I was calling to check on him and ask if he needed any help, and I got read the riot act. So, now I'm just gonna do Eckhart's 'remove myself from the situation'. I think 40 years of TRYING to get along with someone is plenty. Letting him say abusive things, mean things, listening to his political rants I don't agree with and hearing the Vilest stuff come out of his mouth about everyone and everything

Now he can be my 'persistent source of irritation'....one of my "Things to turn my attention to" when I need one for TMS recovery sake.

If I hadn't learned how important inspecting these kind of things is to my Physical health, I might still keep trying to 'accept him' the way he is, which is enraging to my unconscious and a Protein Bar for my Repressed anger.

Every single Aha Moment I have ever had is when I am lying to myself in some way shape or form. Sometimes it is OUR turn to be 'The Dick'....I even pray about it and ask God for guidance. But I don't pretend I am enlightened, or even nice...that is dangerous.

 

Hi Diana! We never interacted but i am a silent Reader of your posts so i have a rough idea what's going on with your children.
I don't know if you will find it as helpful as me but just in case i wanted to rec a book i got from my therapist: Disentangling from emotionally immature people by Lindsay C Gibson. It really helped me gain distance and mechanisms to deal with my parents, maybe you'll also find it useful.
(There are also a few youtube videos with her if you want to take a look at that first)

 

You said it, brother! that’s it! And I think the true peace finally comes when you realize it’s out of your hands. It’s not your fault and there’s also nothing you can do other than just back away. Like the Stones put it: you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime you might find you get what you need.

I wish I could have a good relationship with my son. I will always love him. But it’s really stupid to keep pounding my head against a brick wall. I’m the only one who can give myself relief in this scenario.

 

Hi, @sleepyjay !
Nice to meet you! Thank you for this book. I will definitely check it out!

 

In Healing Back Pain Sarno mentions the woman with chronic pain who lives with an Abusive Brother. One day she finally Broke Down and snapped at him and all of her pain went away.... "BUT, she could not maintain her strong posture and her pain returned"

That is where being a 'goodist' and a Pollyanna is Dangerous for US. The way I AM is not my ideal, but TMS symptoms keep making me look for the truth rather than my ideals....once again, The original theme of this post.
In my 'perfect world' I would still be a kindergardener, sharing all of my toys , treating everybody with love and respect and always having 'teaching moments' where all of us moved forward and learned...
There is nothing wrong with trying for that. There is something very wrong believing I have it.

and regarding your son. That one is easy. Screw him. The ones that are sneaky, are the ones where we think we have no anger...the relationships that feel good. They require the most inspection.

 

Thank you for this. I’m really good at making myself believe that really bad situations are actually good. TMS, when it’s miserable enough —and it is for me right now—makes you willing to face all sorts of things you never thought you could. And it all starts with breaking the charade—bringing down the matrix—Getting “reality” to actually be Reality.