Day 3 My journey to heal back pain and live happily

Day 16

Journaling

When I have a deadline or responsability I feel pressured, scared, I feel something in my stomach and I make quick movements with my feet, don't know what you call that, when you like move your leg up and down while sitting. I get nervous. And right now there are a few big anticipations in my life. In a way, there always are. Sometimes it's a bit easier, I feel at ease either because I just finished a commitment or because the next one is far away from now. Another thing I do is prepare for it, feeling prepared calms me a bit. Feeling confident that things are going to go well. And I know that if I'm well prepared, things are probably going to go well. If I'm not, then not. The current deadlines are all game-development related, as is my life right now. There is another edition of the event I'm organizing in a couple of weeks, and I have to announce that and invite people and make sure it works well. I'm also going to be a speaker at that event, and that makes me pretty nervous. I'm afraid that what I have to say is not that interesting or useful. I hope that is not the case. There is also another games event, one not organized by me, that I know will drain a lot of my energy. It will last a few days and be in a nearby city, so a lot of travelling will be involved, and meeting people, and also comparing my little event to this bigger one, since there is a bit of a rivalry between our organizations. Hopefully their event is going to be cool, I just want to attend and enjoy it. I hardly get to enjoy my own event because I'm so worried about managing it. One thing I just realized while writing this is that I'm very focused on accuracy. I try to explain the situation to a hypothetical reader as clearly as possible. Maybe I should try one day focusing on myself, writing for myself, instead of focusing on this other person that doesn't know about my life. I think that could be more useful to me. Anyway, there is also the game I'm making. I have to finish a new version for my event, and I need to have some material to show at the other event, so that I can pitch it to other industry people. That is a tight deadline and I hope I can have something cool by then. These deadlines as I said in the beginning make me nervous. I think that is all there is to say about that.

Question To Ponder

Since starting this program have you told anyone about your condition and TMS? Why or Why not? If you have how did they react?

I told my girlfriend. She was very unsupportive at the beginning, because it takes time for her to adapt to things. I told her because I was excited about this new treatment possibility. I felt like this could finally cure me. She is more supportive now.

 

I have done day 17 and 18 on paper as an experiment.

 

Day 19

My personality trait of INTJ makes me feel responsible for the world and for making it better. I think this Myers-Briggs type would be particularly prone to something like TMS. We have deep feelings (Fi) but supress them in favor of extraverted thinking (Te), which we use to make the world more efficient. Meanwhile, our primary function (Ni) is all about the future, planning for the future and, of course, worrying about it. And our inferior Se means we aren't very capable of enjoying the present and relaxing.

This weight of the world in my shoulders is a huge pressure. I've recently gotten better at letting it go since I learned about TMS, but it's something I think I will always have to deal with. It's too much responsibility, feeling like you have to fix everything. It doesn't make me sad, it doesn't make me angry, but it certainly makes me restless, alert, burned out and frustrated that I'm unable to do what I percieve as my duty. To fix the world. Yeah, it's an impossible goal, but it's one I feel to be mine nonetheless.

I guess I also feel unimportant compared to these huge goals. When there is so much world to be saved, a single individual like me doesn't matter much. And I feel neglected. Neglected by myself. That's an interesting insight.

That's all I have to say about that. I ran out of feelings.

 

I did day 20 on paper.

If I could change 1 thing about me, it would be to feel content with my current situation. Otherwise, even if you achieve a goal or change, you might always want something else, making you unhappy with your new self.

 

Day 21 - Break

Day 22 - Journal

I had given myself the task of finishing a new version of a game for an event tomorrow, but it wasn't going well and I was getting very stressed out because I thought I wouldn't make it. Yesterday I decided to give up on that task. I do feel better personally, because that was stressing me out a lot, but I wonder. I wonder if that can be a permanent solution to problems, and if not, why not. Like, if giving up makes you feel better, why not give everything up? There is obviously a good answer to that question but I don't know and I don't care right now to think about it too much. What is important is that I felt overwhelmed yesterday and I am still kinda bad today but not as bad because I gave up. So giving up was a good thing, I guess. Whatever. Free writing kinda hurts my soul because I'm typing so fast and this text really sucks and it's very poorly written and I wish nobody ever reads this because it would be such a pain to read something so bad. What matters is how I felt and how I feel, I felt overwhelmed and stressed and now I feel more calm and relaxed. I will keep this state of calm and relaxation for the challenges to come, and after they're over I'll get back to my tasks and my games and my stresses. Because for reasons I have to do it. I want to do it, sometimes. Well, for now everything is fine.

 

Day 23 - Journal

When I have to make games I feel pressured. I don't like having do do anything. I like doing things because I want to do them. But right now I'm trying to prove to myself and to the world that I can do this, that I, despite being a total outsider and stuff, can do as great a job as anyone else, or be even better. This can be exhausting. I feel tired. I am tired most of the time. Even though I actually get a lot of sleep and have been getting better at balancing leisure and work time. I burn out sometimes and I can't get any work done at all. Other times I can get a lot of stuff done. It helps when the pain is less. Anyway, I feel demotivated, pressured, worried if I'm gonna make it, worried if I can live up to the expectations I've set upon myself. I'm thinking I should feel encouraged instead, but that thought certainly doesn't help. I hope it helps to aknowledge how helpless I feel.

 

Day 24

Whew, I just got back from a rather stressful game development event. I met some great people but it's always a tough time, it's a competitive industry with very demanding people. It's hard to relax sometimes. There was one important developer who was particularly demanding, but they really helped me although with some "tough love". I am already very hard on myself, so it's easy for me to lose the balance when everyone around me is being so demanding. I don't know. I was really embarassed through some bits of the event, I felt unworthy and not good enough and like the things I did were not good enough. I guess this fits the whole TMS theme, right? Striving for perfection and having your subconscious rebel for it. Anyway, right now there is a lot that I have to do and I can feel very much under pressure because of it. But I gotta live, right? I can't just not do anything ever because doing thing causes some stress. I guess I just need to do the best I can and not beat myself up so much over making mistakes. I know I am going to make mistakes and fuck up a lot of things and that's fine, that's the only way I can do things because that's how things are done. Anyway. I am feeling a bit sad and I'm not even sure why. But it's probably gonna be fine.

 

Hi, Lucas. Yes, pain caused by TMS, our emotions, can move around. It means the subconscious needs to know more of your repressed emotions. Keep journaling to discover what they are. It may mainly be about your ex. You were badly hurt, and it may be hard to forgive, but try to work on that. Forgiving can be the biggest thing in healing. Try not to judge the person who hurt you. Let God do that. Just toss the hurt ball to Him and go on to live in the present.

There is an old saying, "Where there is no love, put love, and you will find love." It may take some doing and some times, but keep positive, wear a smile, and it can come true for you.

 

Day 25

I have been doing psychotherapy with a psychologist for a few weeks now. Our latest insights were that while my previous romantic relationship was painful, and could have triggered my back pain, it isn't necessarily its cause. The cause is more likely to be within myself, my personality and how I demand too much from myself and beat myself up over mistakes and don't cope well with frustrations, mostly blaming myself too much and being too hard on myself. Anyway, as a good Freudian her first goal is to discover why I am like this, what in my childhood has caused this personality to emerge, but I'm pretty sure we will find nothing there. As far as I remember, I was born like this and this is a part of me. It can be dealt with, of course, but there is no social cause for it. Anyway, the second goal is to figure out how to cope with the "inner bully" that I've read about here in the TMS wiki and that I identify with. I think that is likely to be a more effective endeavor.

Also, I don't believe in gods. Get your ancient superstitions out of my journal.

 

Day 26

I have stopped psychotherapy because I didn't like my psychologist. She didn't listen to me a lot of the time, ignored what I said and came up with her own realities. It was very maddening. I like journaling because I don't have to convince anyone of anything, there is nobody to convince. I can just explore my thoughts and feelings without interference and translation. I think it's a much better approach for me. If I can't figure out the pain by myself until my next birthday, then I will revisit the idea of psychotherapy. But then it will be with a CBT therapist, because I found that Freudian to be annoying as fuck and completely disconnected from reality. Anyway. It wasn't completely useless, I just didn't see it going anywhere. We had too much confrontation and I didn't see her being able to help me if she couldn't even understand what was going on. Our efforts were directed at doing exactly what the journal is telling me to do today: find the cause of your personality traits. Why am I a perfectionist? The truth is that I have no fucking clue. I also don't see how knowing it will help me at all. So what if say, I am a perfectionist because I was jealous of my sister? Or because my father didn't love me? Or because my mother didn't discipline me? Even if those were true, it helps me nothing to know. And even if I trust that it helps to know, I still don't know. I have no fucking clue. I know better than to insist on something that isn't working, so this search for me is over. My search now is to find out how to behave better, how to not demand so much from myself, how to be nicer to myself. This matters. I know this will be useful to me. It will help me relax. I liked the question "What keeps you acting in the ways that you do?". I think it's important. I know the answer. I want to be great, I want to create amazing things, and I pull myself into this vision of myself and my future. Since I'm not where I want to be, this pulling hurts me. So why do I keep doing it? Because it's taken me places. It has worked. I have whipped myself into successes like I'm both the horse and the rider. I have caused myself pain, of course, but it has worked. That's why I keep doing it. Because I still want to take myself somewhere, I still want to go fast, and I mistreat myself to get there. This is obviously not good. But other than this relentless self-discipline and self-demanding, this whipping, I don't know how to motivate myself. I see the alternative as terrible. The alternative would be to give up, not do shit, not accomplish shit, and that is oh so terrible to me. I obviously need to find a middle ground, a way to be productive while being relaxed, and not hurt myself so much. It's tough. I think that coming up with systems and techniques that allow me to both be productive and relax would help. For example, I have decided not to work on weekends. So this weekend I just relaxed. I also have some times: I don't work after 6PM. I just relax after that. I think things like this will help. It would still be nice not to worry myself so much about the things that I have to do. I'm not sure what the system is for that. I tried policing my thoughts before, but that's not great. Like, forcing myself to think of something else. I think that is not a good idea. I should allow myself to express my feelings and stuff. I usually don't. I'm pissed about a lot of things. Fuck all of them. Anyway, I'm feeling frustrated. I'm sad that therapy didn't go perfectly. While I'm glad I ended it and feel better for it, I also fear that it wasn't the right decision and I feel like I failed something because I gave up and pretty much did fail. I can't let myself beat myself up for that, though. I should take a deep breath and rest in the knowledge that I did the right thing, that I trust myself and that everything is going to be alright. And if it's not alright, I can try therapy again later with a better professional.

 

Hi again, Lucas. Your posts of self-anaylsis are very interesting to read and I am sure they are helping you. You know you need to lighten up on yourself and your expectations of achieving and being creative. I don't think those two goals can be rushed.

It's good that you stop work at 6 pm now. Try to spend the hours before bed doing things you enjoy and that relax you. Don't watch TV or be on the computer at least an hour before bedtime or your mind could be overactive.
I am posting some thoughts on the overactive mind in the General Discussion Subforum today which you might find of interest.

You might consider seeing a different therapist, one who hopefully is more helpful. And try to laugh more. It's very good for mind and body.

 

Day 27

I remember my pain being worse in a few occasions. I don't know which one I could write about, though. I am honestly a bit discouraged right now, don't really want to journal. As I write that, I realize that it's not that I don't want to journal, I just don't want to write about past events. I wouldn't mind writing about what's going on right now. I am under pressure (by myself) to finish another step in a project, and I lost all of my motivation to do it. Yesterday I couldn't work on it at all, and instead ended up doing other stuff. I finished reading the autobiography of a local artist. It was interesting, I admired his detachment from trends. He could see the world from an outside perspective, atemporal, and did his work trying to make his perspective survive his death. I have been thinking a lot about this, how to set up structures that can do good during my life and after it as well. I'd like to do that. To do that, of course, I need to be able to create good work and to create good work I need to not feel much pain and feel motivated to do work. It's a big challenge and sometimes I feel like just saying fuck it and giving up, whatever. But then, what do I do with my time? Yesterday I pretended to give up and instead I just worked on some other fun things, like making music. So yeah, I should be nice to myself. But that's a "should", and that puts pressure on myself, and that's not being nice, so I shouldn't anything? I'm a bit confused about this process, about the solution. I don't know where the balance is. The balance between work and fun, between doing what you want and what you should. Stuff like that. I am very confused by this. I am in a position where I could only have fun, only do what I want, and not do any work for a while. But it doesn't feel right. I don't know if that feeling is good or bad. I guess it's bad when it makes me feel bad, but it doesn't always. But then we get to the problem: is happiness about pleasure or virtue? I'm reading a book by Seneca about this very question. He argues against Epicurus, who thinks good is pleasure, and pleasure is your master, while Seneca thinks good is virtue, and you are the master of pleasure. I have yet to figure out how to balance these things. Maybe finishing the book will help. I will medidate on this today. I feel like I am in a changing point, having left psychotherapy recently due to my issues with my therapist. I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I am making an important decision, but I don't know how all of this will pan out. Hopefully it ends with me in less pain and with more happiness. But I don't know which is the decision that leads to that. I don't know which is the right path. Or maybe I know, and I'm just afraid to take it. I think the right path is to chill, but immediatly something hits inside myself saying no, you can't be lazy, you have to accomplish all these things and you won't if you're not demanding so much of yourself. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to change, I'm afraid to lose myself. I don't know if I'll regret my decision. I don't know a lot of things. This is scary. I have to remind myself that it's fine to feel this way and it's good to express these feelings. I am making so much more progress alone than with a therapist, holy shit that was crap. Anyway, I will make the right decision. Right here and now I decide on health, on goodness and niceness, on taking care of myself and treating myself with the respect that I deserve, just like any other human being deserves. I choose to respect myself and take it easy, respecting my own pace. I choose fun and enjoyment of life, not in an irresponsible way, but responsible towards myself and my health, and so that I am able to create the things I want to create while being happy. Because living miserably is not the moral choice. Happiness is the moral choice, the virtuous choice. And happiness requires self-respect. I will try not to harm myself again.

 

Day 28

free day yay

 

Day 29

Dunno. I'm supposed to write to a personality trait. Dear perfectionism, you make me feel pressured because I have to do all these things that I can't possibly make. Big fucking news. There is very little to write about this. Anyway. I've been feeling discouraged this week and today is particularly bad. I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do. Next week I have a trip and that will be a nice change of pace that will hopefylly change things a bit. I dunno. I don't really feel like writing, just like I don't feel like doing much else. I don't know what is affecting me and I don't know what to write about. There is nothing to say to my perfectionism other than that it sucks. That it should chill or eat shit and go fuck itself. I don't know. Whatever.

 

Day 30

Why do we even need other people? It's fucking ridiculous. My personality is very independent and I wish I didn't have to rely on other people. There is some stuff to do. I have to organize the community. I have to work on my projects. I have to work on other people's projects that I commited to. All these shoulds are kind of annoying. No, they are very annoying. They are bullshit. Fuck them. Fuck everyone. Anyway. I also need to figure out a way to communicate, teach, stuff like that. An efficient way. Maybe I vlog, maybe I do something else. I need to figure out who I am reaching and reach them. Whatever. I went to the pool today, it was nice in the water and in the sun. You don't have to plan the sun. You don't have to worry about it, it's gonna be there for a while then go and come back. Nothing you can do about it. The sun is nice. As for my personality, I try to plan and control too much. And most things are like the sun, perhaps everything is. Perhaps I should just admire all this bullshit instead of feeling so frustrated about it. I shouldn't care so much, or I should care in a more curious manner, exploratory. I don't know.

 

Day 31

I feel responsible for her. I feel like I'm not doing what I should be doing. I feel like I'm failing. These feelings are: guilt... actually, I guess it's only guilt. Who is judging me and making me feel guilty? Myself, of course. I am my own terrible judge. But I don't think there's anything to feel guilty about. I'm here trying to do my best. I have some stuff to do that I don't want to do and it's got me a bit stuck. But it should be fine. Next week I'm gonna sprint a lot and it should be a fine week of productive work. I'm tired from my trip this week so it's okay to take it easy and chill. The thing that doesn't allow me to chill so much is certainly my personality.

 

Hi, Lucas. It's good to take a day off from thinking about pain and TMS. Then try to lighten up on yourself and not feel guilty about anything. It's part of a perfectionist personality. And be positive and look forward to each day. Don't be afraid of change. It is natural to be anxious about it, but try to let it flow. Let everything flow.

 

Day 32

What stressed me out daily: having to work, I guess, or something. And the way to limit stress is to not work? lol. Work less? Dunno. Have more fun? I try. I don't know what else to talk about. I'm feeling lazy today, don't really wanna do the things that I have to do. I guess I am like that a lot. I get excited doing things I want but not the things that I have to do, those are particularly annoying to me. Anyway, not a great journal today. Whatever.

 

Day 33

I have no fucking clue why I am a perfectionist. How the fuck should I know that? How can anyone know that? It's bullshit. There's no fucking way someone can actually pinpoint the reason for something like this. You can come up with bullshit like "oh my parents had lots of expectations of me, so I became a perfectionist" or "they had no expectations so I became a perfectionist" or whatever and it's BULLSHIT. Anyway. As I said, I have no fucking clue why I am a perfectionist. My suspicion is that it's mostly genetic and not some kind of childhood flaw. My personality is generally perfectionistic and we could argue forever whether personalities are socially constructed or genetically given, just like we could argue that about sexuality or gender. But at least for sexuality and gender, there are very strong indicators that those are genetic. I strongly believe the same is true for personality traits. I was born with a tendency to be a perfectionist. And there's no fucking doubt that being a perfectionist would cause TMS symptoms, that's the whole fucking point. Are you people fucking stupid? Why are you even asking such basic questions at this point? The whole point is that stresses cause TMS and perfectionism cause stresses. Duh. I think this journal was supposed to make me feel better with myself or relieved or gain self-knowledge but it just made me fucking pissed. Yes, I am mad. I am mad that I have this fucking annoying as fuck pain and I am mad that you people who designed this shit educational program are fucking retards who don't really know what you're doing. Fuck you. You just made me more mad. Anyway, yay for expressing rage! I rage at anything less than perfect, so there you have it. Whatever, I don't care. Neither should you. This whole thing is a joke, life. Nothing matters. It's fine. Fuck it all.

 

Hi, LucasM. You sure like the F word. That's okay. I wouldn't spend any more time wondering why you are a perfectionist. I would just work on trying to modify it. My best friend was a perfectionist and so is my book publisher boss. Both of them drive me and everyone else F'ing nertz.

Being a perfectionist, you are putting a great deal of emotional pressure on yourself.

I often also think life is a joke, and a bad one. I find that it helps to laugh about that. Laughing makes us feel happier.

The SEProgram worked for me and has for many others. Maybe you need to trust it more. Believe in TMS more.

I've just had about as rough a morning as I've had in years, but I just decided to roll with it and when I can, laugh at it. It does help.