My TMS Recovery Journey - Accountability Post

@Rainbowdash , I'm with @jml19 . You are so brace to stare it all in the face. All I can add is that in the last couple of weeks I've had a couple of realizations about my childhood like you. The minute I came to understand them, I could feel some power shift back to me and the victim role diminish slightly. I really hope that continues to be true. I've also come to some harsh realizations about the present. i know that so much of the fear came from many, many years ago for me. Try to realize that the fear no longer serves us. We have to put down what no longer serves us. I'm trying hard to apply that to my current stressors and feel safe in the present. I hope you can try too.

@jml19 I'm totally giggling about your reference to confession. I often wondered that same thing., I too, think that God is a loving God. To both of you-I also firmly believe He gave us this situation for a very special reason. It's hard to imagine because the road has been so difficult for so long. We have to figure out how to rise above. I've always felt it will all get better once I learn the lesson it teaches, whatever that is. Imagine how great life will be when we finally figure it all out. Jo

 

Thank you for your kind comments, @jml19 and Jo.

I've gotten stuck on Day 18 for 3 days and when I had the break through, I cried for 35 - 40 mins, non-stop. It was so much venom and toxicity. Mostly, I feel so sad that I was under so much pressure. I put so much pressure on myself.

The feeling "loving God" is very apt for my Day 18 work. My parents forced me to join a religious organisation (cult) that held opposing views to mainstream religion (which my husband's family follow). My parents made me join in spite of knowing that I wanted to marry into this outsider family and they didn't stop to think how many problems having these conflicting beliefs will cause me in the future. I strongly believe that the pressure of catering to two opposing belief systems is what pulled me in so many directions, until I finally snapped. I finally gathered enough courage to quit the cult in 2015, but I still carried a lot of guilt about it. I basically was left with no faith. It is difficult to have a faithless existence. I now believe that I have to look out for myself. That's all. I find it difficult to believe there exists some god, who is my saviour.

I wanted to confront and ask my parents why they pushed me so much and why they didn't anticipate the problems I might face (I was 19 at the time). My mom's best friend also faced the same conflict with her in-laws for 20 years with the same cult, so they should have known it will cause problems.

Anyway, today's work made me realise that it doesn't matter what they say. No matter what they say, it doesn't change the fact that I suffered for 12 years, ruined my health and lost out on enjoying my motherhood because of their actions. I said sorry for all my selves from age 19 - 34, that there was no one to look out for her and protect her. The nightmare is over, I'm only glad for that. The rest of it, is what it was. I cannot change it. I don't need to justify it. It was a shame, but it happened, and now its over.

I still feel sad for the girl who suffered so much, who put so much pressure on herself. What breaks my heart over and over is seeing my 5yo daughter. She is exactly like me, and she is happy now. I was happy and carefree like her at one point. I feel sad that "that" girl had to go through such a difficult path to become "this" woman, who is so broken inside. In raising my daughter right, I hope, I can raise "that" girl again and she will find some sanity. All I need now is kindness and compassion, not more pressure and strictness.

 

Wow, @Rainbowdash you've been through so much. As an objective outsider-it's easy to see how much courage it took to both write about these experiences and also to share them with us. You should be SO proud for how far you've come. Imagine if all these thoughts and feelings were still hidden inside of you doing their damage. I share the same feeling of sadness for the girl who put so much pressure on herself. I don't have any memories that don't involve severe pressure from within.

I hope you at least feel some sense of relief at setting them free. Each time I uncover something difficult for myself, I feel a tiny sense of freedom, a loosening of some tightness, like I'm moving in the right direction. I hope this is happening for you too. I do hope you are able to stick with the program. I'm on day 34 and each day there seems to be something new to learn that is helpful.

 

@JBG1963 ... Thanks for your message Jo. It means a lot when someone says they see how far I've come or how I should be proud of myself. It is hardworking, but I do feel an opening up in my heart. I feel more vulnerable but at the same time relief that I don't need to put up these walls anymore.

Normally, in my perfectionism, I'd rush through the work and skip steps or cut processing short to stay on schedule. This time I'm taking it slow and not moving days unless I feel that days work is done. It is slow going but worth it.

I'm glad you r still keeping up and learning on day 34. I can only imagine how much freedom you r feeling.

 

Day 19 has been an easy one. Today's question to ponder asks what I'm most proud of. I had to write about my current stressors on Day 17 (24/10/2017) and I got stuck a few days on that topic. When I wrote about it, I realised I needed to discuss it with my husband to come to a resolution. I didn't have the courage to talk to him about it. I kept putting it off and feeling afraid. Today (30/10/2017) I brought it up and discussed without feeling fear, obligation, guilt or need to please him or the need to be responsible for his emotions. I acknowledged that it was a difficult topic to discuss but we needed to talk about it and come up with some ground rules and some form or resolution. My husband was uncomfortable at first, felt defensive and emotional a few times, got a little angry, but I wasn't afraid of him. I was calm and we resolved the discussion without either of us feeling bad. After the discussion was done, I was able to look him in the face without feeling guilty or ashamed and we talked about other things like normal human beings.

I was able to tell him that my mind has created a habit of defaulting to pain whenever I'm under pressure. This is due to constant chronic stress and pressure for so long. I need to eliminate as much pressure as I can so that I can heal properly. I said it as a matter of fact, without feeling guilty or ashamed. I was able to speak assertively, without needing to be in control of the conversation and without needing to manipulate him to get upper hand and without minimising my feelings to make him feel better. This is huge for me.

 

@Rainbowdash I'm so happy for you that you were able to have that very difficult conversation. You sound relieved. I actually had very similar experience with my husband. I was proud of myself and relieved too. I was in so much pain in the weeks leading up to that conversation that I felt like I had to have the conversation before I completely fell apart. For us it was the start of more communication and difficult conversations. For the most part, each one gets easier. I can't say that everything is resolved but I feel assertive and unemotional like you during those times, and that's a big step. I really hope this is the start of more conversations for you that will help you continue your journey of healing.

 

@JBG1963 - It's just amazing how much pressure we put on ourselves for things that seem trivial to other people.

Day 20 today was actually fun. I did the cluster writing and I could see the main driving core beliefs amidst all that "noise". I was able to summarise my core belief that drives my perfectionism cycle. I made this picture and I realised that if I removed the pin on any of the points in the cycle, the whole cycle will stop. So, I decided that "Being angry and feeling resentment doesn't make me bad" is my new belief. It doesn't feel real yet, but I can stop beating myself up when I feel resentment towards day-to-day stresses. I can't stop the stress, I don't think I can stop feeling anger and resentment, so I'll take the pin over shaming aspect. That's the only piece in my control. Let's see how it goes.

 

Thanks for sharing this, Rainbow. What great insight you've received by doing this. The cluster writing is one area I don't get much help from. Maybe I don't fully understand the concept. This gives me another way to think about it. Thanks for giving me another tool.

 

Day 24 was actually interesting. We are asked to make a list of current/future stressors that might trigger TMS. I made a long list of 24 items. Looking back, each of those items is actually manageable. They might be stressful, but they can be managed. I beat myself up for feeling angry, afraid, scared, terrified, worried, and resentful for those stressful things. It's that beating myself up and feeling guilty/ashamed that causes my pain. The actual stressor causes 10% stress, whereas my beating myself up causes the remaining 90% and makes my reservoir of rage overflow.

I decided that I'm going to be OK with feeling all the bad feelings inside me. Stressful situations are supposed to make us feel stressed. No need to beat myself up about it. No shame in it.

 

Exactly! That's been a big thing for me-just letting myself feel whatever feeling it is, good or bad. It feels so great to get a little insight! Like we get a little bit of our power back instead of feeling like a victim of TMS.

 

Day 25: How I'm doing so far:
I think I'm doing good. My back pain is completely gone. And my foot pain is almost gone. I spent the whole day yesterday walking and I felt my feet get sore, and a little tenderness where my bursitis is. The soreness disappeared when I woke up this mornings. I constantly scan if I feel pain in my bursitis area of the food and when I look, I feel it is still tender. There is no real pain, so to say. My hip pain has come down quite a bit and I'm able to cross my legs sometimes. However, I feel a lot more emotions.

I realised a lot of family issues and it is bringing up a lot of flashbacks. I keep telling myself I'm safe now and I'm an adult now. I feel that I'm able to come to terms with my past things, understand the drivers behind my current stresses, but I'm still at a loss on how to deal with the current stress. I feel a lot of anxiety, fear and I feel I'm constantly threatened and being attacked all the time.

I feel like a field that is freshly ploughed. All those emotions were nicely buried and hidden, now all that has been dug up and I feel raw and exposed. I notice my anxiety, my compulsions and my stresses much more and I'm able to show a little compassion to myself. I'm also not as ashamed of talking about my stresses and anxieties. I feel I have a long way to go, but it is a good start.

 

Hi Rainbow-so great to hear of your progress. I get you on the 'raw' nature of the emotions. I feel raw too, but with that, I also feel really alive instead of just muddling through life-so I guess there's that. A lot of my sense of feeling constantly under attack had to do with the way I was perceiving things. I just finished the Louis Hayes book-"You can Heal your Life". This did a lot for me regarding my view of myself and of my view of current stressors. I needed the courage to change some things that seemed unchangeable-and it helped. Good luck with your current stressors.