New to TMS

Hi everyone,

I think that people can see that this thread is going downhill. I locked it last night to give people some time to cool off so that we can think for a moment about how we want to handle it as a community.

The policy of this forum is that everyone is welcome to post and participate. We do not allow personal attacks and we do not allow harassment. Everyone has a right to state their personal opinions no matter what those opinions are. However, they must state those opinions in a constructive manner that facilitates discussion and does not inflame tensions.

Tensions are natural in a forum like this. Pain and healing are subjects that people have very strong opinions about, so there is going to be a certain level of disagreement. That actually can be a good thing because without a bit of discord there are no new ideas and things can get boring. Also, different approaches seem to work for different people, and the goal here is to help people find the approaches that work for them.

The miracle on our forum is that tense discussions like this are very rare in this forum. In fact, the only two that we have ever had have not originated here but have rather been conflicts that originated elsewhere and came here.

I think that there are two reasons why our forum has so few conflicts. The first, and most important factor is the culture that has arisen among our member. People understand that disagreement is fine and work to create collegial relationships with people whom they disagree with. We look for commonalities in our views and seek to avoid "drama."

I believe that another important factor is that this forum has a more activist moderation style. I believe that this is key because while people might not support it when others bring in drama, if anyone can post anything they want without any moderation, then the more belligerent people can ride roughshod over the less belligerent people. Over time, the forum can evolve into a "wild west" mentality where might makes right and the people who are willing to argue the longest are the ones who "win" the argument. Important members can leave because they are disgusted by the drama. The role of a moderator is to promote a discussion that brings out the best in people and promotes the sharing of ideas.

In this thread, the goal is to help Day-Cee. Tennis Tom and Back-2It, the two of you have known each other for many years, so you know each other's positions. However, most of the people reading this thread don't know your positions. The fundamental "business model" of this nonprofit is to provide information to people and to let them draw their own conclusions, and it is the right of every forum visitor to examine all of the evidence and draw their own conclusions. (This is what our disclaimer states and we take it very seriously. We are not doctors and we do not provide "medical advice." Rather, we share our thoughts and experiences and the reader takes responsibility for their own conclusions.) Let's work together to help Day-Cee and the other people reading this thread understand the different positions being described here.

It is all well and good for me to suggest that people be nice, but experience suggests that to be taken seriously, a moderator must be willing to enforce policies. In particular, I am referencing the three rules I laid down in this post:

1. Be courteous and respect your fellow members. To be clear, personal attacks, aggressive messages, and passive-aggressive behavior is unacceptable. If you take particular issue with another user and are unable to reply in a civilized and constructive way to their posts, you should ignore the user.
2. If you feel another user is attacking or being aggressive towards you, report their message to staff. Do not respond publicly. This simply continues the back and forth that derails topics and makes them uncomfortable for other users. If someone attacks you and you respond with an attack, you will be warned regardless of who started it.
3. If a moderator or staff member takes an action or posts a directive (for example, to stop with a particular topic), you must adhere to this. If you discover a directive only after you’ve posted a message that contravenes it, delete your post or it will be taken to be ignoring moderators.

Regarding the first two rules, if you feel yourself getting heated up when you read someone's post, slow down. Instead of replying immediately, take a moment. You don't want to say something that you will regret later.

To help people interpret the third rule above, I will identify the posts in which I am acting as a moderator and issuing directives you must follow. This is one of those posts.

Of course, I need people to follow not just the letter of the above rules, but also the spirit. The rules themselves and the way that I enforce them will evolve over time. I will try to give people advance notice of this, but I can't guarantee it, as there can be things I can't anticipate.

Overall, let's remember that this is a post started by Day-Cee in the support forum. Different people may have different ideas about what will be most helpful, and our job is to work together to help Day-Cee understand those ideas and make their own choice.