Newbie

I've been reading everyone's posts for a long time. I haven't signed up till now because I feel my story is a tough one and I don't want to bother people. TMS/PPD trait?

My story is kind of involved, but if I don't post, I figure I'll never receive any help. I have really bad lower back pain that I am pretty sure is TMS. I have had it for awhile now. But a friend loaned me one of Dr. Sarno's books and I really saw myself on every page. (Healing Back Pain) I am married to a man many years my senior. He is in very poor health. He has cancer which the doctors have told us in incurable, yet it's a slow moving cancer. So for now things are OK.

We are close to losing our home because we can't make full mortgage payments right now. Part of it is this economy and also having lost my job due to my pain issues. My husband is retired. We get some money from my disability and his social security, but it's not quite enough to cover the bills each month. Plus his medications are very expensive and he comes first.

Last summer, we got to fighting so bad that I left him. I moved in with a friend across the city. My husband and I talked civilly to each other and realized after some therapy we still wanted to be together. How could I leave him as he fights his last fight? I can't. I love him so I moved home again and we've been fairly happy since then. But the stress continues and it all lands in my lap.

We have to declare bankruptcy because we owe so much on our credit cards. This is my fault as I ran them up to pay other bills a few years ago. I thought things would get better. Who knew this economy would get so bad? Plus my husband's medications. They have become a priority over food!

My husband had a problem with his neck the same year we found out about the cancer. They did a very scary surgery that left him partially paralyzed on his right side. He's an artist. He gets by with limited use of his hand. But the doctor told us if he has to have chemo, he will lose feeling in the whole right side of his body! No more driving. No more art. This scares me a lot for if he does not have his art, he will simply let the disease he fights so hard take over.

I have a therapist. She says I have a very high stress level. I guess so. It's all I know though and I also know I love my husband.

I can't seem to get the down time I need in order to get through any TMS/PPD program. I am always on the move or putting out a fire. I am frustrated and in pain. I read as people get better yet after reading Dr. Sarno and exploring the TMS wiki, I don't see how I can start to get better. There is so much stress.

I am in way over my head. Maybe simply posting this will help me feel better and not so alone.

Thank you for reading. I want to get rid of this back pain. There is an old Indian saying that says if your back hurts, you have given away your power to someone else. Have I done this with my husband? I am not sure.

 

Welcome, Annie. I am so glad that you finally decided to post. I hope it is helpful in some way to know that you are not alone. You can get better. It doesn't have to take a lot of your time. Just plug along a little at a time. Keep reading Sarno's books in any free time that you have, then any other books you can get your hands on about TMS/PPS/MBS. Eventually, it will sink in and you will start to feel better. Whatever you do, don't give up. There are many people here that have gotten better. I take stock in that. They give me hope. I deserve to be pain-free...and so do you!

 

Welcome, Annie! Just start where you are and know that there is no timeline for recovering. Sure some people get better just from reading the books but most people don't. Little by little you will get get there.

 

Thank you all for your kind welcome. Not sure where to go from here. I will read the post Forest.

 

Annie, welcome. My first thought as I read your post is how I would feel if i were in this situation. Then how I would be writing about my feelings, e.g., how do I feel about his medications costing so much? What I am suggesting is putting one topic down and letting the feelings rip, angry, sad, afraid. . . I found that after expressing the feelings, even though in some cases (of my writings) I knew the situation was not going to change (or maybe something will?) I could change my perspective, which would in turn affect my state of mind and feelings. Sometimes it came down to I'm doing the best I can in this situation. Perhaps "I am doing my best and I will not allow anyone to pressure me." I find that sometimes the changed perspective is accepting a situation too. Which isn't always easy.

That Indian saying is VERY interesting!

I understand about your back pain; I was not able to go to work for about six weeks due to my back pain. But it's gone now and it's been 5 years!

I would also keep reading Dr. Sarno's books.

Best wishes for healing,
Lori

 

Thank you Lori. Good advice!