Open Letter to the people NOT getting better, or to those who want it FAST

a clinical psychologist. When my pain went away I was left with super duper intense anger.... In fact it was so scary It made perfect sense why the pain had been there.

He was old school 101 , took notes, repeated my own BS back to me, and cleared up a lot of the cognitive dissonance that was fueling the rage.

 

Plum
Just got around to seeing your beautiful post.
Thank you for this. Your journey is a guide for many.
Lainey

 

Wow, this is a wonderful post. I feel stuck often. Sometimes I just stand in the kitchen, trying to figure out what I should do next, with thoughts racing around my head.

I have had a flare-up over the past three days. It baffled me. The kids finally went back to school full-time and we just came home from a relaxing vacation. I thought I was feeling great! Then the same old sensation started throughout my back. I came here to find support and found this post. I went through the categories you listed and typed my own responses, and, wow, I have "stuff" in the majority of them. Thank you for this thoughtfully written piece that I can see has helped many on here.

Now I just need to figure out how to let go of the anger!

 

I think I’m replying to this post. There sure are a lot of them. I have tried just about everything and find I’m not getting better , in fact I may be getting worse. My symptoms are stiffness, buttock pain, possibly sciatica, sore shoulders and a host of weird sensations. My head tells me that they may not be TMS, but rather the afternat of fusion lumbar surgery 4 months old. There have been clues that it may be all TMS. The other night my wife rubbed my right shldour and that pain went away. I have read all Sarno’s books and many others, am working on Schubiners program . I have done much journaling.I may be angry with my doctors. But I don’t know. I know that I need help.

 

Does anyone know if ADD is TMS? I think I might have a mild version of it but I didn't tolerate meds well when I was treated for anxiety. It's really hard to focus and just get things done in college. I feel like I easily get distracted, daydream/freeze sometimes, and am not fulfilling my potential, like I don't really fit in because I'm too sensitive and slow. I did well in school until college. I have trouble with being consistent even though accepting my feelings helps reduce the pain etc. I think I went from hyperactive in childhood then inattentive, then had little or no symptoms from middle school and high school, to really bad anxiety and feeling really lost in college. I know that TMS means that everything is interconnected so I don't know if this is structural or just emotion based. I also get burned out easily despite being a hard-working, and I want to be more efficient with my energy and attention.

 

I do that from time to time when I am painfree in a cesspool of thought, But in general for the person who is suffering from unrelieved TMS I strongly urge them NOT to do any positive thinking exercises. It is our brains unwillingness to think or hold angry stuff (consciously and unconsciously) that created the symptom, so a temporary abandonment of all hope is sometimes in order. It's using fire to fight fire.

The paradox of course is that when I finally found the fortitude to 'turn my thoughts to a recurrent source of irritation'... I had a lightning quick resolution of symptoms and felt amazing and didn't need any 'grateful' list....anybody who has suffered TMS who begins to get relief and fast needs no prodding towards positive thinking... My Joy was inexpressible in words.

But diving for the result without walking through the hot coals might only leave you frustrated. I see too many people on this forum not getting it quickly ....it seems to be exactly correlated to the amount of Non Sarno "feelings" crap. We're talking about Blind, white-hot Cain-killing-Abel RAGE. If you have TMS , it's in there. Being Pollyanna isn't gonna help me find Cain.





LATER...when I am not having sympotms, it's a good idea to make lists of things for which we are grateful....and right at Number one or two is always this simple tool kit Sarno gave us.

 

I've tried that - abandoned all hope etc., - but it didn't work for me; I don't know why as I've never regarded myself as being a special case or anything, but I've been on this forum since 2018, with some improvement 'tis true, but not enough to be all that profound. I am, however, seeing a lot improvement since I started noticing the stuff that's bugging me and the stuff that I am grateful for, in combination with gradually doing more physically. Whether it will only be temporary improvement, I don't know, but I'm going to keep going with it and 'suck it and see'. I've removed my posting (and may post it in another thread) as I respect that this is your thread and it is about your experience of what to do to get better and I recognise that what you advise is in keeping with Sarno's advice and has worked for so many people.

 

@Baseball65

Indulge me in a free flow of consciousness if you will because today has been first order bullshit, mostly due to a car problem centred on over-heating (laugh it up you smug bastards). In below zero temperatures I have nursed my car from pit stop to pit stop, resting for a while at my parents place while awaiting RAC rescue. To non-Blighty members, the RAC are Knights of the Road, those beautiful mechanics who come out to mend our distressed vehicles. The car needs repair. No time soon due to Covid bullshit. I am a fly girl grounded.

And so given I have had time to think while freezing my ass off on the roadside I was considering posting a thread about how our personalities etc change post TMS knowledge and experience. Disclaimer: I’m not faring well after The Year From Hell. I’ve had a vascillating flare up since Summer and my anger is trigger happy.

I’ve lost my thread but I think it centres on “turning thoughts to a recurrent source of irritation”, by dint of which I should receive benediction. I have gone from someone who never felt anger to knowingingly stuffing it down to unmitigated expression and I’m still in pain. WTF. Marc, spare me a dime of your wisdom. I swear to you I have done murderous rage and that whole shebang but I really am a bit stuck although it did occur to me today (actually last night before the car breakdown) that I was been too people-pleasing of late. Nothing drastic like the persona of old but enough to generate tension. Interestingly I was utterly free with my pissed off fuck-this-shit anger today and any sense of post hoc guilt has had short shrift.

What think you?

Edit: This is not a novel thought but I had cause to reflect that something that royally pisses me off about these kind of situations is that historically I knew some action needed to be taken but it wasn’t and so I was rendered anxious by seeing further down the road than those who had their hand on the wheel. I am hyper vigilant around such things. I prefer to deal with it now, ask for help etc rather than muddle through until the inevitable hits.

 

This is not 'MY THREAD' or 'MY anything' ...it is OUR forum...LOL.

Ya know, I have thought of offering a service , not unlike counseling. This 'stuck' person fly's here to Nashville. We spend a LOT of time together with me prodding the hell out of you...you have to go to work with me and sand drywall..dig holes....carry lumber. I guarantee I can get in one week where a therapist in a sanitized, one hour at-your-sunday-best couldn't get in years.

Just like a woman who barely knew me once told me the truth I didn't want to look at. Just like the emergency room Doc who really saved my life by telling me "there is Nothing wrong with you". The things that are 'repressed to us' are obvious to polite company.....usually the thing that we get irritated when someone pokes around. The only reason 'polite company' doesn't tell us, is...well... they are polite. I am a weenie. I am NOT polite. If you have a booger in your nose, I love you enough to say "Hey...you have a booger in your nose"

I have never met a person with a TMS issue who didn't have a booger on their nose that I couldn't spot in a few days, and if we are in close quarters, a few hours.

but then again, I'm just a dumb construction worker....salt of the earth. No training, just bad manners and good intentions

 

My therapeutic murderous rage was a guy who ripped me off for 667 dollars (R.I.P..he just passed away a few months back from our similar problem).....Best Money I ever didn't spend. He was NOT at the core of my rage.

My rage was based on being in a 'show marriage' that was based on material prosperity.
MY rage was being in a 'show career' based on best last chances for 'respectability'.
My rage was not being good enough at Music, or being able to stick to it without going round the corner to score dope or drink.
My Rage was lack of freedom. My rage was responsibility...not at the exterior stuff like my kids and job, but the dumb voice inside me that had me doing it all for the wrong reasons.
My Rage was losing my father when I was 5 and My Nanny when I was 5 1/2.
My rage was having a reptilian family relationship with my Mom.
My rage was at myself for wasting time trying to 'find' something to fix me
My rage was pumping gas ,for a classmate I used to dominate, into his new BMW . He was my academic inferior and my social 'better'..while I rode a shitty, loud rattletrap 2 stroke throw away motorcycle (out of need, not coolness)...shame. Failure. Rage at lack of guidance and support

My rage was always putting myself last to save them the trouble of finding out I belonged there anyways

...and as I digested all of that Not so nice truth, the pain went away. I was motivated, desperate and lucky enough to have a few weeks off to dedicate myself to it 100%.

One of my friends is on the verge of having tourettes...he freely drops his anger as often as a dog poops...every day, sometimes multiple times. He is descriptive, loud and demonstrative, yet he is in chronic pain. I don't think he ever got to the 'under list'.

That is a skill I learned from doing those inventories. The things I am really mad about are usually very different from what I am raging about... I usually know I got to the right 'thing' when the symptoms go, but it's like in the bible where God doesn't let Moses 'see his face' lest he die, but he can look at God's Butt after he's passed. I don't think any of us can stand the truth in real time, but our retrospect is always 20/20.
If we immerse ourselves in a process we begin to see 'the shadow on the wall of the cave' like Socrates spoke of, and then the symptoms aren't working, so they quit.... we get enough really quick looks at the past and can follow the footprints to the now...and have a big Buddha laugh at ourselves

But it wasn't the money the guy ripped me off for.... That was good placeholder until I got to the real stuff. The real stuff is nowhere near as dramatic and way more shameful and painful

 

@Baseball65

Thank you so much for this generous reply. I’m sure I’m not the only one who will benefit from it. Aside from paying heed to all your words in this thread I spent some time this afternoon listening to MBP (I lent my book to my mum and have no idea where she’s put it). The utter enraging chaos of the past year are a sheer fact and it’s beyond evident that my unconscious rage is boiling.

 

Sometimes, even after lots of mind-body education and looking for triggers, the only thing I needed was to "feel the feelings"

There's so much to be upset about, especially this year, but yet so much to be appreciated and to be aspired for. In these crazy times, we often forget what makes us happy and energized in the moment and what we truly cherish and care about.

 

I lay in bed last night reflecting on the past year and things I’d forgotten began to occur to me so I decided to see what else had gone off radar and this morning I went through my WhatsApp groups to piece together a timeline of key emotional moments. All these have the pandemic as a backdrop and here in the UK, at least two or three lockdowns (I can’t remember since we were pretty much shielding for months).

****
(edit: the details have been deleted after second thoughts)

****
Ok. I have essentially detailed this for myself and it’s interesting to note that as I combed WhatsApp, TMS made some freaky clicky noises in my mouse which were scary but I pushed through. My main TMS woe is clenching/bruxing. I have seen my dentist (September) and everything is ok but the pain etc endures.

Reflecting upon this timeline (which isn’t exhaustive. Other things have happened but mostly they were spin offs of everything listed here), I can see with crystal clarity how epically stressful 2021 was. At the start of the year TMS was ok but it ramped big time in June and has stayed at this high level since.

I know I haven’t detailed my emotional state next to each experience but honestly and unsurprisingly it’s been a roiling mix of anger, sadness, despair, fear, anxiety and dark humour with a dash of hope. It’s a TMS playground to say the least.

Right. I’m going to post this and then make a cup of tea.

 

Wow.. I just got grateful reading that. I am so glad I am an American... Remember, I grew up in Europe and was born in Argentina... I almost missed the boat!

Now you know why so many of us 'cowboys' get our panties in a wad when we get ANY Government intervention. Right to bear arm, arm Bears... Cops ASK us but rarely TELL us. The last time the Govt. even hinted they might intervene in my life was when my Mom did her 2nd 'dementia' walk... and it was only a 'friendly hint' not a threat.

I was reading "Leaf By Niggle" and "a man called Ove" and I forgot just how monstrous the Govt is in Northern Europe. All of the elitists here always use it as "hey...we're so backwards... in Europe they blah, blah, blah" forgetting all of the freedom we have. Lock downs? We had that first one and I was an 'essential' so I wasn't really locked down, but just the thought of it is making my leg hurt...haven't had one since.

If I lived in the UK, I would have TMS always.

I would rather go live in the bush with a shotgun,tent and a backpack before I ever let someone get in my life like that.

...and that's all before your unique family dynamic.

I have always told my sons that if I lose my marbles and they really love me they will take me for the "Bunny Walk" that Lenny Small gets at the end of "Of mice and Men"...

...God bless you and keep you.

 

Dear @plum
You are an amazing person!
My father had Parkinsons and I stayed at home many years to help in his care. If you ever need anyone to talk to please reach out because I totally understand, especially the confusion, belligerence, crankiness etc. around any changes like moving. My Dad also suffered from the speeding up for for a time (we got him a little scooter), so many similar symptoms.

So glad to hear you still have happy times too

 

Thank you sweetheart. ❤️

 

Jesus, @plum. I don't know what to say that could be helpful in any way. Just know that you are very much loved here by me and many, many others.

 

Truly, I derive much comfort from this. I’m working through Column 1 and the government are listed. What a clusterfuck of idiots they are.

I have this agreement with my dad…we are both huge proponents of a campaign called “Dignity in Dying”. Bunny Walk is an infinitely more loving version of this. I love Steinbeck. Of Mice and Men is the first book I read but my favourite is Sweet Thursday.

You too my love ❤️

 

Ellen, that really matters and helps. It’s easy to feel alone with all this but I do remember I’m part of a much greater whole and this time will pass. Even when it feels like it won’t.

Stay safe my beautiful friend for you are much, much loved by me too xxx

 

I couldn't agree more!